Category: exhaustion

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The Fear of Losing My Wife

I am a lucky man.

I have a beautiful wife who has stood by me since 1991. Through good and bad, we have always found a way to work out whatever issues have been present in our lives. She is my best friend, and my greatest supporter.

When I met my wife, Kara, she was physically healthy and active. An actor and a swimmer, she was (and still is) pretty damn hot and sexy. Out of a long list of college dudes that courted her hand, she chose me. I’m sure it had something to do with the fact that she saw me in my underwear during a play I was in, but that’s another story. And they say men are pigs…

You may be wondering, “what’s this guy’s point? So what if his wife is hot?”

I’m not writing this to brag. I’m writing about this to share, and ask for help with one of the greatest challenges we’ve ever faced — restoring Kara’s health.

Kara has diabetes. After two pregnancies, what was gestational diabetes had become type 2 diabetes. She’s also having her gallbladder removed in a few weeks. Overall, she feels pretty lousy most of the time.

I’m scared.

There’s an old saying: “what we fear, we create.” Even though I know this, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to let go of my fear of losing her.

So I might as well face it.

As some of you already know, we’re 800 miles away from family and friends. This makes it impossible to get the support we need. We have two small boys that we love, but my wife is worn out when I get home after an 11-hour workday. Exercise is the key in overcoming the diabetes. But exercise is the last thing on Kara’s mind when I walk through the door.

But wait. As I sit here writing, I’m realizing something. I am part of the problem. I’m partially responsible for the dilemma. Why? Because when I get home I want to be with my kids. And although I have every right to do so (after being away from them all day), this puts the pressure on Kara to cook dinner. So how is she to exercise, then?

Holy cow. I’m feeling pretty stupid and selfish right now.

I understand my part in this is limited to support. I can’t do this for her, but then again I’m not supposed to. This is her journey. I’m just the co-pilot. But I do have a say in the outcome and I’m grateful for the insight I just attained. Most of the time I’m so caught up in missing my kids and being exhausted that I don’t see much else.

I never realized until just now that I was NOT actually doing everything possible to help.

Shit. I’m glad it’s not too late. 

I ask and thank the Universe for help.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of June

Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of June 2008
 

I am proud to present some of the very best daddy blog posts out there. Every month, this ongoing blog carnival will spotlight extraordinary dads — finding out what’s on their minds, and in their hearts. I hope you enjoy this month’s selection, and I look forward to your comments.

And now, the best of June…

Premature Baby – An Emotional Journey by Discovering Dad, posted at Discovering Dad
Nominated by Chris @ Dad of Divas, who states: “I have been amazed at the story Jeremy weaves about the early birth of his new baby daughter who was a premie, and has had close calls with death and numerous medical issues. Jeremy captivates his readers leaving us wanting more and more and only hoping for the best for little Caitlin.”

How To Survive A Manssage, posted at BUILDING CAMELOT
A humorous retelling of a couples massage gone awry, when Tyler from Building Camelot makes the supreme sacrifice for his pregnant wife – receiving a manssage from a therapist named Bruno.

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again, posted at Clif’s Notes
Clif’s Notes shares a powerful reminder to us about being in the moment with our kids, instead of trying to control it.

The Dance, posted at paulpetersonlive.com
In addition to being a dad, Paul is also a pastor. This brief post gives insight to his passion for life, God and his dedication to family.

Since When Are Dads Not Important? Posted at Dad’s House
A divorced dad struggles to keep himself involved and informed about what’s going on in his son’s life. From school field trips to doctor’s visits, he seems to be the forgotten parent – constantly left out of the loop.

First Time Parent, posted at Harrowed Parent
John is a new dad, and a new blogger. The post he submitted is a detailed look into the first few weeks of fatherhood. Great for dads who still have that new car smell. Albeit masked by “projectile vomit.”

Dads are not second-class parents, posted at Daddy Brain
This was my first Daddy Brain post. Still one of my favorites, it covers some of the issues modern day dads face – including how we feel about being away from our kids all day, and the rampant misconception that our job as a parent is limited to depositing the sperm and the weekly paycheck.

That’s it for this month. If you’ve read an awesome daddy blog post, or written one yourself, here’s your chance to shine (or help a fellow daddy blogger shine) by submitting a post you feel is “Tops in Pops,” for next month’s blog carnival.

Submit using this carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Link to more information about Tops in Pops:
Tops in Pops: Best Daddy Blog Posts of the Month

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Who’s Nurturing Your Heart?

Just yesterday morning, my son Max asked me to draw him a smiley face heart. I was running late for work (as usual) and had forgotten. On my way out, I told him I’d
e-mail him one. This wonderful drawing is what I found.

Later, I asked Max what he thought about the drawing. He said, “it makes me think about you.” His response made me realize that in an energetic & spiritual way, I am holding all of my family’s hearts in my hands — and they are holding mine. Even when I’m 45 miles away at work there is a connection, a tugging, and yes a nurturing.

It is so beautiful that our children nurture our hearts, as we do theirs. I think sometimes we get so caught up in taking care of them, we lose sight of the moments when they take care of us.

What a huge responsibility this is. And what a joy.

Beneath all of the junk that goes on every day — the tantrums, exhaustion, cooking, cleaning, work, errands and the seemingly ever-present stress over money… beneath it all is this incredible lifeline.

A few hours after I had these thoughts, I was graced with the arrival of two complimentary books from Mark Brady, Ph.D. I’ll be giving both books (and Mark) the attention they deserve in an upcoming post. But first I’d like to share something that caught my eye within seconds of opening his book, A Little Book of Parenting Skills.

There’s a mini chapter called, Make Your Kids “Heart Smart,” that states the following:
“The heart is the most powerful organ in the body, generating a magnetic field 5000 times stronger than any other organ. The brain’s power pales by comparison. Brugh Joy, a medical doctor and wisdom teacher, has written that whether we know it or not, all hearts continually exchange energy and information with other hearts.”

The mini-chapter goes on to discuss more well known attributes of the heart like, “listening and responding to our children with compassion and concern.”

Mark’s books arriving at that moment goes far beyond coincidence. It was a synergistic moment in time where a simple picture e-mailed to my son manifested into a very deep insight.

Who’s nurturing your heart? I hope that you have many people that are doing so. Be mindful of the nurturing. Give it freely, and accept it with gratitude.

And remember, you are not alone…

You can find many of Mark’s books, including this one, through Amazon.com, Paideia Press (414-828-6275, paideia@gmail.com), or many fine online book retailers.

As for the art created by AJ, I’m still looking for the source of where this came from. I’d like to give the artist credit.

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Time: The Slippery, Fleeting Thing That Doesn’t Really Exist

I recently read two posts about the issue of time over at Dad of Divas (see links below). It’s a topic I think about often — how I’m spending my time, and how most of it is spent away from my family.

What is time?
We’re told it’s a man-made concept, that it doesn’t really exist. Yet there never seems to be enough of it. And whether or not it’s “real,” there are certain pressures, constraints and sacrifices inherent in the time paradigm.

My definition of time has a pretty bleak side. Time is life. And as we grind out the days and weeks away from our families (albeit in order to support them), there is something irreplaceable being sacrificed. Time with our kids. At the park. At music class. As they grow up. One day they’ll be adults, and we won’t be able to catch up with what we’ve lost.

Monday through Friday, like many moms and dads, my time is spent away from my family — away from my kids — at work. That’s 10.5 hours per day, 52.5 hours per week, 2,572.5 hours per year (I’ve deducted 3 weeks vacation). And I know parents who have it worse — working 12+ hours per day, and weekends too!

When I’m home with my boys, I’m usually so exhausted that it’s a struggle to be present and pleasant. There’s not enough time in the day for me to get enough rest. So I’m left feeling like a vampire has sucked the blood (and the life force) out of me, leaving me in a semi-zombie state. Does this sound like you? I doubt I’m alone.

I’m sorry to say I do not have a cure-all answer for this dilemma that so many of us face. What I do know is this — we can’t give up. We need to trust in the Universe and do our part to find a solution. Pray. Play the lottery. Make the best of our time with our kids (as hard as that may seem). Do whatever you have to do to avoid giving up. If you give up, all is lost. If you keep the faith, anything is possible.

If I did have a cure-all answer for the issue of time, it would look a lot like this:

I would clone myself into 5 people.

#1 Sleeps all day
#2 Spends all day with the kids
#3 Makes love with my wife all day
#4 Works all day
#5 Blogs about the other four

I think this would work out pretty well.

And remember, you are not alone…

Dad of Divas links:
Maniverse #5: Time in a Bottle
Blogging: Pastime or Addiction

 

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The Health Benefits of Cake

Yes, you read that right — there are health benefits to cake. At least I think so. Here’s why…

Imagine for a moment that everything bad you’ve heard about cake is true. The refined sugar, the bleached flower and hydrogenated oil… bad for you.

But what about the positive chemicals your body releases when you experience the joy of cake? Not to mention the mental health benefits caused by the enjoyment of a tasty, fresh, heavily frosted piece of your favorite variety.

I think there’s a kernal of truth in my daddypothosis.

As I’ve admitted before, I’m not a scientist. And I’m OK with that. But I do know (first hand) that the daily grind, often devoid of joy, takes a major toll on us.

Study after study tells us what’s bad for us. Don’t eat refined foods, don’t breathe, don’t use plastic, don’t ingest one million gallons of anything — not even water (there are prescription drugs in there you know).

But who has done a study on the BENEFITS of cake? Or the benefits of anything enjoyable for that matter.

The point is that joy has great power. What we believe has a direct effect on what becomes reality. 

I’d like to see a study of people who do everything as healthy as possible, with one slight catch. Take all the joy out of their lives. My guess is that the lack of joy will crush any benefits of organic anything.

So, go ahead, eat that piece of cake. Enjoy it. It just might save your life.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Every Day is Father’s Day

All the playing, meals, sleep-interrupted nights, sheer-and-utter exhaustion, frustration, triumphs, failures, fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, depression, lack of control, joy, happiness, honor of being a parent, unconditional love, driving, cleaning, colds, more cleaning, bills, tripping over toys, buying more toys, poop, boogers, hugs, kisses, conversation, questions, silence, surprises, naps, even more poop, tantrums (from the boys AND me), regrettable raised voices, lost tempers, peace, lack of peace, reading, running, art, trips to Toys R Us…

All of this and more. Every moment is worth it. Every second. It’s all a precious gift from the Universe — a gift from my boys and my wife.

And no matter how bad something may seem, underneath it all I am the luckiest man on Earth.

Thank you boys, for being my sons. Thank you girls, for watching over us. And thank you Kara, my wife, for our family.

When I really think about it, every day is Father’s Day.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Equal Rights for Kids: DON’T HIT!

In a previous post, Tired of Being Exhausted, I touched upon the topic of hitting children (see excerpt to follow). In an effort to advocate for children’s rights, I felt this topic deserved a post of its own.

“If you made a mistake at work, what would you do if you were reprimanded with a spanking by your boss? If he or she took you into their office, bent you over their lap, and spanked the crap out of you? Yes, the sicko’s are probably drooling over this thought — but for the purposes of this blog please disregard any thoughts of your boss being incredibly hot, or any desire some of you might have to be spanked.

Would this be acceptable behavior? Or would you have your boss arrested for assault?”

The answer seems pretty clear. So why would anyone think it’s OK for parents to hit their kids? What makes it acceptable to hit a child? I don’t understand, nor do I see any advantages to hitting when there are plenty of other things you can do to teach a child a lesson — other than their taking away their dignity, and yours.

We can reason with them, give them a time out, take away TV, a favorite toy, etc.

Reasoning seems to be the most productive avenue to take (both for the short and long term). It teaches without threatening. But it doesn’t always work, and kids need to know there are consequences if they continue to act out.

But hitting? What does that accomplish, other than stopping the unwanted behavior? Does it address the root of the problem? The child’s frustration, disappointment, fatigue or whatever it might be?

Kids are going to make mistakes. Sometimes they’ll do something bad intentionally, sometimes because they just don’t know any better. But raising children to live in fear of violence & punishment simply creates adults who live in fear. Is that the kind of adult you want to create? One that never fulfills their potential because they’re too afraid of making a mistake and getting punished?

When a child is hit, what have they learned? To refrain from doing something because they’ll be hurt by mom or dad if they do. Wouldn’t you prefer your kids stop doing something because you’ve TAUGHT THEM that it’s wrong? Isn’t it better to help them attain a solid moral base instead of striking them like an animal?

In the effort to stop a behavior for the short term, what long-term damage is being done?

The Hit List

Hitting = violence
Hitting = instilling fear instead of understanding and love
Hitting = creation of resentment
Hitting = disrespecting
Hitting = hurting
Hitting = teaching children to cope through violence, instead of compromise and communication
Hitting = part of a power struggle, it’s all about control
Hitting ≠ teaching (at least not in a positive way)
Hitting ≠ tough love; it is an easy way out for a parent
Hitting ≠ caring

In this battle for control, the child is seeking it and the parent is looking to maintain it. It’s a fine line that is difficult to walk. But at the end of the day how we treat our children is instrumental in who they become as adults. Do you want to create an adult that is successful and strong… or subservient?

The bottom line is that hitting children is wrong. Period.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
– Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit, Part 2
– Stop Yelling Daddy!
– Equal Rights for Kids, Part 1: Let Your Kids Decide

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Equal Rights for Kids: Let Your Kids Decide

The following excerpt is from the book Stories of the Spirit, by Jack Kornfield & Christina Feldman.

A family went out to a restaurant for dinner. When the waitress arrived, the parents gave their orders. Immediately, their five-year-old daughter piped up with her own: “I’ll have a hot dog, French fries an a Coke.”

“Oh no you won’t,” interjected the dad, and turning to the waitress he said, “She’ll have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, milk.” Looking at the child with a smile, the waitress said, “So, hon, what do you want on that hot dog?”

When she left, the family sat stunned and silent. A few moments later the little girl, eyes shining, said, “She thinks I’m real.”
– – – –
I find this story incredibly powerful. It got me wondering: am I treating my boys in a way that is beneficial to them — both for the short term AND the long term? Do I respect their opinions, and foster their independence and decision-making ability? Or am I TELLING them what’s best for them?

Am I helping them build self worth, or am I deconstructing it?

Overall, I think I’m doing a pretty good job of building their sense of self worth. Most of the time.

Sometimes I falter and slip into “telling mode.” This usually happens when I hit the dreaded wall of exhaustion (which is always lurking nearby these days). When I feel completely burnt out, I just want them to stop and listen. I’m not really hearing them. This always feels wrong — and I always regret it.

Like the dad in the story, there are times when I try to “help” my boys because it appears beneficial to them, at least in the short-term. But what about the long term? When something seems so important NOW, I don’t always consider the long-term benefit, or the potential damage I might be causing — damage that might completely outweigh any short-term benefit.

(Taking a look at the long term, or long view, is something I wrote about in The Magic Quarter — Creating your own reality. It’s a topic I wish I’d thought more about when I was younger.)

I have relatives and friends who believe kids should be told what to do and when to do it. There’s no explanation needed, because they’re kids. These people seem to think that because a child has only existed on this earth for a short time, somehow this invalidates their right to have an opinion.

I beg to differ.

My kids were picking their own breakfasts when they were 6 months old! Healthy choices of course. I’d give them two options and they’d point (and occasionally grunt) towards what they preferred. I believe letting my kids make decisions will help them become adults that are able to fulfill their potential. They’re learning to trust themselves, and to be decisive.

Otherwise, what happens? What kind of adults are created if a child is never given a choice? If they grow up feeling like they have no voice and their opinion doesn’t count?

I’m not saying to let our kids run rampant, or control the household (more than they already do). Far from it. They need rules and boundaries. They need guidance. But their opinion counts and we need to let them know that by respecting them. It’s a matter of finding a balance, which is an ongoing challenge.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
Equal Rights for Kids. Part 2: Don’t Hit!

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Happy Birthday Max!

Happy Birthday to Max! He turned 4 today!

You know, I am more tired than I have ever been in my entire life. But I wouldn’t trade being his dad for the world. He’s my big pal, the Peter Venkman to my Egon Spengler. He’s my oldest son and I’m very proud of him…

 

Now this little stinker is Joss. The Ray Stanz to my Egon, my little pal. He’s priceless (and quite feisty). He’s my youngest, and I’m so proud of him too…

Thank you boys for being my sons!

So yes, dad’s exhuasted. I feel like an old clunker. How about the rest of you dads? But these boys deserve the best, so I do my best. I often fall short, sometimes way short, but they love me anyway.

I am so grateful.

Remember, you are not alone.

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Teaching Our Kids How to Cope with Loss

I read a blog post a few days ago on a great dad site called Building Camelot. The name of the post is: My 5 Biggest Fears Being a Dad, and it covers the fear of loss in a very honest, real way.

The post came along at the perfect time, as loss has been on my mind lately — ever since I had my tooth pulled a few days ago.

My tooth’s clinical name was #13. And although the procedure was quick and physically painless, I have been thinking more and more about loss. Other than my hair (which I’ve been losing for years), this is the only part of my body that I have lost. And the experience has quickly transcended into a life metaphor.

What else have I lost? I’m not talking about a set of keys or a receipt from Target. I’m talking about real loss, the type that takes a piece of you along with it. The kind that leaves you with little gaps, like cavities, that never fully disappear or heal.

And yet we go on – battered, weathered and full of tiny little holes. Somehow, we find a way to function. What choice do we have? To give up?

Here’s what I’d like to know. Why weren’t we ever taught how to cope with loss? How to come to a place of acceptance, and have what we’ve learned from the loss propel us to a better place. In school, we learn about calculus and how to dissect a frog. Have you found that helpful? Unless you are a mathemetician, or a freak who likes to look at frog guts, it hasn’t.

Mom and dad? Yeah, they were a big help. The only serious talk I got was ”boys have a penis, and girls don’t. Did you know that?” As a matter of fact, I didn’t. But nothing came after that sentence except my uncomfortable thoughts about what girls did have down there if there was no penis.

Like it or not, loss is a part of life. We have the power to give our chilren the tools they need to cope with loss in a positive way. We can help them learn to heal (as best as possible), and come to a place of acceptance so they can move on from loss instead of dwelling in it.

We can also let them know that it’s OK if they need help to cope or heal. Just being approachable, and telling them “mom and dad are here,” is a huge deal. Then, of course, there’s the power of spirit (but that’s a topic for another blog post).

Can we protect our kids from loss? I don’t think so. And why should we? If we want them to be healthy, successful adults, it’s our repsonsibility to help them be fully functioning people.

My parents were incapeable of this. Were yours? I think they did their best, which is all I can ask. But we can do better.

And remember, you are not alone…