Category: support for dads

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Have You Checked Out the Manival Yet?

This blog carnival is a fantastic journey into the minds of men. If you haven’t checked it out yet, here’s your chance to catch up.

Created by The Art of Manliness, it brings together some of the finest, most diverse blog posts I have ever seen. I hope you enjoy them…

Manival #9 @ Night Writer

Manival #8 @ Spark Plugging

Manival #7 @ Simple Marriage

Manival #6 @ Building Camelot

Manival # 5 @ The Care & Feeding of Man

Manival # 4 @ The Art of Manliness

Manival # 3 @ Shaefer’s Blog

Manival # 2 @ A Good Husband

Manival # 1 @ The Art on Manliness

And remember, you are not alone…

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The Health Benefits of Cake

Yes, you read that right — there are health benefits to cake. At least I think so. Here’s why…

Imagine for a moment that everything bad you’ve heard about cake is true. The refined sugar, the bleached flower and hydrogenated oil… bad for you.

But what about the positive chemicals your body releases when you experience the joy of cake? Not to mention the mental health benefits caused by the enjoyment of a tasty, fresh, heavily frosted piece of your favorite variety.

I think there’s a kernal of truth in my daddypothosis.

As I’ve admitted before, I’m not a scientist. And I’m OK with that. But I do know (first hand) that the daily grind, often devoid of joy, takes a major toll on us.

Study after study tells us what’s bad for us. Don’t eat refined foods, don’t breathe, don’t use plastic, don’t ingest one million gallons of anything — not even water (there are prescription drugs in there you know).

But who has done a study on the BENEFITS of cake? Or the benefits of anything enjoyable for that matter.

The point is that joy has great power. What we believe has a direct effect on what becomes reality. 

I’d like to see a study of people who do everything as healthy as possible, with one slight catch. Take all the joy out of their lives. My guess is that the lack of joy will crush any benefits of organic anything.

So, go ahead, eat that piece of cake. Enjoy it. It just might save your life.

And remember, you are not alone…

Family Blogs
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Every Day is Father’s Day

All the playing, meals, sleep-interrupted nights, sheer-and-utter exhaustion, frustration, triumphs, failures, fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, depression, lack of control, joy, happiness, honor of being a parent, unconditional love, driving, cleaning, colds, more cleaning, bills, tripping over toys, buying more toys, poop, boogers, hugs, kisses, conversation, questions, silence, surprises, naps, even more poop, tantrums (from the boys AND me), regrettable raised voices, lost tempers, peace, lack of peace, reading, running, art, trips to Toys R Us…

All of this and more. Every moment is worth it. Every second. It’s all a precious gift from the Universe — a gift from my boys and my wife.

And no matter how bad something may seem, underneath it all I am the luckiest man on Earth.

Thank you boys, for being my sons. Thank you girls, for watching over us. And thank you Kara, my wife, for our family.

When I really think about it, every day is Father’s Day.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Healthy Food Tip #2: The Perils of Partially Hydrogenated Oils & Other Bad Food Ingredients

You may have heard about the health issues caused by a food ingredient called partially hydrogenated oil (PHO). It is found in many, many foods in your supermarket and in restaurants. Although I knew it was unhealthy, I never really knew why until I did some research for this post.

In a nutshell, PHO’s are created when hydrogen bubbles (yes, hydrogen) are passed through oil that has been heated. This removes the essential fatty acids that do a lot of good for your body, and chemically alters the oil so it becomes a trans fat, also called a saturated fat (bad, bad stuff). McDonalds is one of the better-known trans fat cases because of all the media attention.

So why are PHO’s so bad? They cause cancer, diabetes, heart disease, multiple sclerosis and allergies that can cause arthritis. It also disables your body from properly absorbing good essential fatty acids (necessary to sustain healthy life) found largely in polyunsaturated oils. Instead of being absorbed and providing your body with what it needs to function properly, the essential fatty acids are eventually stored as fat cells, causing you to gain weight.

I’m not a scientist (although I’ve been told I look like Dr. Egon Spengler from the Ghostbusters — sans the hair), so I won’t pretend to be. The purpose of this post is to inform you of the ill effects of this ingredient (as well as some others). I’ve included some informative links below for those of you who are interested in a more detailed explanation of PHO’s.

But I will tell you this. Companies use this stuff because it’s a really cheap way to give things like cake, cookies, pancakes, cereal and bread a rich buttery taste WITHOUT adding butter (which is more costly). It also extends the shelf life of the product so it can sit there for months (or years) instead of a few weeks. I guess the almighty dollar is more important than the health of our children.

Now that there’s more awareness, some corporations have changed the name of these trans fatty oils to mono-diglycerides. Don’t be fooled, it’s the same thing. Shame on every company that is trying to trick us. I wonder if the owners and employees feed this crap to their families. Or do they take their profits and shop at Whole Foods?

Hey Kellogg’s, charge me an extra dollar and take that crap out of your Pop Tarts — and your cereals. It’s in Froot Loops, Corn Pops and lots of other cereals I can’t think of right now (check the labels).

My question is this: who is going to step up, take responsibility and get rid of this stuff in our food? Will it be a major corporation that will set the precedent, the government, or nobody?

If that’s not enough to keep you up at night, here are a few more bad food ingredients:

Sodium Nitrite: found in bacon, hot dogs and other processed meats kids and parents like to eat. Why is it bad? It causes colon cancer and pancreatic cancer. It has been proven to cause leukemia and brain tumors in children! We eat bacon at least once a week!! At least we used to. I’ll have to check Whole Foods for organic bacon.

Naturalnews.com also lists: MSG, refined white flower, refined white sugar, aspartame, saccharin, artificial colors, chemical preservatives, color fixer chemicals and homogenized dairy fats. Visit their link, or use Google to find out more.

Special thanks to the following links which provided me with this useful information. Pleases visit them for more details:
– Ban Trans Fats
– What’s Wrong with Partially Hydrogenated Oils?
– The latest U.S. health safety distraction ploy: Blame China!
– Recovery Medicine

Related posts:
Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes For Better Health

And remember, you are not alone…

Family Blogs
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Equal Rights for Kids: DON’T HIT!

In a previous post, Tired of Being Exhausted, I touched upon the topic of hitting children (see excerpt to follow). In an effort to advocate for children’s rights, I felt this topic deserved a post of its own.

“If you made a mistake at work, what would you do if you were reprimanded with a spanking by your boss? If he or she took you into their office, bent you over their lap, and spanked the crap out of you? Yes, the sicko’s are probably drooling over this thought — but for the purposes of this blog please disregard any thoughts of your boss being incredibly hot, or any desire some of you might have to be spanked.

Would this be acceptable behavior? Or would you have your boss arrested for assault?”

The answer seems pretty clear. So why would anyone think it’s OK for parents to hit their kids? What makes it acceptable to hit a child? I don’t understand, nor do I see any advantages to hitting when there are plenty of other things you can do to teach a child a lesson — other than their taking away their dignity, and yours.

We can reason with them, give them a time out, take away TV, a favorite toy, etc.

Reasoning seems to be the most productive avenue to take (both for the short and long term). It teaches without threatening. But it doesn’t always work, and kids need to know there are consequences if they continue to act out.

But hitting? What does that accomplish, other than stopping the unwanted behavior? Does it address the root of the problem? The child’s frustration, disappointment, fatigue or whatever it might be?

Kids are going to make mistakes. Sometimes they’ll do something bad intentionally, sometimes because they just don’t know any better. But raising children to live in fear of violence & punishment simply creates adults who live in fear. Is that the kind of adult you want to create? One that never fulfills their potential because they’re too afraid of making a mistake and getting punished?

When a child is hit, what have they learned? To refrain from doing something because they’ll be hurt by mom or dad if they do. Wouldn’t you prefer your kids stop doing something because you’ve TAUGHT THEM that it’s wrong? Isn’t it better to help them attain a solid moral base instead of striking them like an animal?

In the effort to stop a behavior for the short term, what long-term damage is being done?

The Hit List

Hitting = violence
Hitting = instilling fear instead of understanding and love
Hitting = creation of resentment
Hitting = disrespecting
Hitting = hurting
Hitting = teaching children to cope through violence, instead of compromise and communication
Hitting = part of a power struggle, it’s all about control
Hitting ≠ teaching (at least not in a positive way)
Hitting ≠ tough love; it is an easy way out for a parent
Hitting ≠ caring

In this battle for control, the child is seeking it and the parent is looking to maintain it. It’s a fine line that is difficult to walk. But at the end of the day how we treat our children is instrumental in who they become as adults. Do you want to create an adult that is successful and strong… or subservient?

The bottom line is that hitting children is wrong. Period.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
– Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit, Part 2
– Stop Yelling Daddy!
– Equal Rights for Kids, Part 1: Let Your Kids Decide

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Stop Yelling Daddy!

No matter how hard I try, no matter how mindful I attempt to be — I sometimes find myself yelling at one or both of my kids. It never lasts very long and it’s always after an extended amount of crying, screaming, food throwing or obsessive-compulsive behavior that rivals Mr. Monk’s (from the USA TV show).

It seems that I can not get through a weekend without yelling about something. And this weekend was no exception.

It was our 11-year anniversary. The babysitter cancelled on us, so instead of a romantic adult dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, we settled for a family outing at Quaker Steak & Lube. As the name suggests, this is not your ordinary “anniversary dinner.” At least not for us.

Max, 4, began a tirade of wanting more macaroni and cheese WAY before he was done eating what he had in front of him. Relentless, he continued to repeat his desire for more. I tried many ways of reasoning with him to stop. Since his brother Joss, almost 2, was flinging his mac & cheese off his plate, I deftly gave some to Max who ate it and stopped complaining. OK, that wasn’t so hard.

Now Joss starts screaming. Not because I gave his brother some of his food, but because he’s done. He’s ready to go. NOW. My wife has barely eaten & my beer is far from finished. We do our best to eat what we can. I realize this situation is a great way to help people lose weight. Under this type of stress, one simply does not have an appetite!

On the way to the car…

Everything has calmed down. I’ve managed to hold it together until I try to put Joss in the car. He grabs onto the metal rods holding up the passenger side headrest. He clutches them with the will and the strength of a gorilla who’s really hungry for the very last banana (or the most desirable mate).

Now he’s just trying to tell me (in his 2 year old way), “hey dad, listen, sorry but I’m not ready to get in my car seat yet. Maybe you could give me a minute…” But I’m not hearing him. I just want him to sit in the car seat!

I finally pry his fingers off the headrest and get him in the seat. He’s screaming and fighting me and then he kicks me in the face (not intentional)!

That was it. I saw red. I lost it. I started screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the Quaker Steak & Lube parking lot about how he was “being a bad boy. BAD BOY! Stop it! Stop it now!”

Another weekend tainted. Another chance at setting a good example lost. It doesn’t matter (at least not at that moment) that I set hundreds of good examples for my boys every week. This is simply not a habit I am proud of, it’s not who I want to be. My father yelled alot when I was a kid (big surprise there), and now I am teaching my kids the same thing. And I can’t seem to stop.

The whole incident may have lasted 20 seconds, but three days later I am still ashamed & incredibly disappointed with myself. It’s not that my son’s behavior was acceptable. It wasn’t. But he’s not even two.

The problem is that my behavior is unacceptable — at any age.

I’ve given this much thought, because I realize “trying harder” to stay calm is not the answer. It won’t work unless I address the underlying factors that are causing me to be so volatile. Joss’ behavior was only the catalyst.

The real problem is my frustration. I’m tired & overwhelmed. My wife has diabetes and gallbladder problems, and I’m scared of losing her. I miss my boys all day while I’m at work. And although I am very happy to have a good job, it is quite often VERY FRUSTRATING! We’re 800 miles from everyone we know, everyone we can depend on for help. We are alone out here in Wisconsin. Money always seems to be an issue, and there’s a ton of stuff to do in order to maintain our home. And the pizza sucks!

Hey, I know most (if not all) parents have this same amount of stress. I’m not saying my case is special. But I’m having trouble finding a solution.

If anybody has any suggestions, please feel free to share them.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related posts:
Stop Yelling Daddy! (Part 2)

How to Retrain the Reactive Brain, Part 1

How to Retrain the Reactive Brain, Part 2

An Interview with Mark Brady: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

Equal Rights for Kids. Part 2: Don’t Hit!

Family Blogs
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Happy Mother’s Day

True to form, I seem to be a little late for everything in life. But I did want to take a moment to thank my wife for being such a wonderful mother & best friend. Through all the struggles, all the stress and all the good times, you have been a great gift from the Universe!

Here’s a top 10 list of why I love, and like, my wife so much:

10. She’s hot
9. She puts up with me, Mr. Crabby
8. She always does her best
7. She takes fantastic care of our kids (and me too!)
6. She always supports & believes in me
5. She looks good in a pair of jeans (remember, she’s hot)
4. She’s smart, so I’m a little smart by default
3. She’s a massage therapist, and she’s really good
2. She loves me (sometimes I wonder why)
1. She saved my life

I love you honey!

And remember, you are not alone…

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Equal Rights for Kids: Let Your Kids Decide

The following excerpt is from the book Stories of the Spirit, by Jack Kornfield & Christina Feldman.

A family went out to a restaurant for dinner. When the waitress arrived, the parents gave their orders. Immediately, their five-year-old daughter piped up with her own: “I’ll have a hot dog, French fries an a Coke.”

“Oh no you won’t,” interjected the dad, and turning to the waitress he said, “She’ll have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, milk.” Looking at the child with a smile, the waitress said, “So, hon, what do you want on that hot dog?”

When she left, the family sat stunned and silent. A few moments later the little girl, eyes shining, said, “She thinks I’m real.”
– – – –
I find this story incredibly powerful. It got me wondering: am I treating my boys in a way that is beneficial to them — both for the short term AND the long term? Do I respect their opinions, and foster their independence and decision-making ability? Or am I TELLING them what’s best for them?

Am I helping them build self worth, or am I deconstructing it?

Overall, I think I’m doing a pretty good job of building their sense of self worth. Most of the time.

Sometimes I falter and slip into “telling mode.” This usually happens when I hit the dreaded wall of exhaustion (which is always lurking nearby these days). When I feel completely burnt out, I just want them to stop and listen. I’m not really hearing them. This always feels wrong — and I always regret it.

Like the dad in the story, there are times when I try to “help” my boys because it appears beneficial to them, at least in the short-term. But what about the long term? When something seems so important NOW, I don’t always consider the long-term benefit, or the potential damage I might be causing — damage that might completely outweigh any short-term benefit.

(Taking a look at the long term, or long view, is something I wrote about in The Magic Quarter — Creating your own reality. It’s a topic I wish I’d thought more about when I was younger.)

I have relatives and friends who believe kids should be told what to do and when to do it. There’s no explanation needed, because they’re kids. These people seem to think that because a child has only existed on this earth for a short time, somehow this invalidates their right to have an opinion.

I beg to differ.

My kids were picking their own breakfasts when they were 6 months old! Healthy choices of course. I’d give them two options and they’d point (and occasionally grunt) towards what they preferred. I believe letting my kids make decisions will help them become adults that are able to fulfill their potential. They’re learning to trust themselves, and to be decisive.

Otherwise, what happens? What kind of adults are created if a child is never given a choice? If they grow up feeling like they have no voice and their opinion doesn’t count?

I’m not saying to let our kids run rampant, or control the household (more than they already do). Far from it. They need rules and boundaries. They need guidance. But their opinion counts and we need to let them know that by respecting them. It’s a matter of finding a balance, which is an ongoing challenge.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
Equal Rights for Kids. Part 2: Don’t Hit!

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Happy Birthday Max!

Happy Birthday to Max! He turned 4 today!

You know, I am more tired than I have ever been in my entire life. But I wouldn’t trade being his dad for the world. He’s my big pal, the Peter Venkman to my Egon Spengler. He’s my oldest son and I’m very proud of him…

 

Now this little stinker is Joss. The Ray Stanz to my Egon, my little pal. He’s priceless (and quite feisty). He’s my youngest, and I’m so proud of him too…

Thank you boys for being my sons!

So yes, dad’s exhuasted. I feel like an old clunker. How about the rest of you dads? But these boys deserve the best, so I do my best. I often fall short, sometimes way short, but they love me anyway.

I am so grateful.

Remember, you are not alone.

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Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes for Better Health

Last week I was listening to Wisconsin Public Radio. There’s a show I enjoy on my drive home called: At Issue with Ben Merens. The featured guest was a man named Jeff Cox, former editor of Organic Gardening magazine. 

I learned some very interesting information about the PLU Codes of produce that I’d like to share. PLU Codes are usually located on the tiny stickers appearing on fruits and veggies. And they hold a wealth of information that is in direct relation to the quality of the food and your health.

There are three types of codes:

1) Five digit codes beginning with the #9 mean the item is organic. No pesticides or chemicals are used in the growing of the product. This is our least toxic option.

2) If the code begins with a #8, that means the product has been genetically modified. This is bad and should be avoided.

3) Any four digit code means that the produce has been grown the traditional, standard way. Pesticides and chemicals are used to grow them. But they’re not genetically modified.

I never had a clue about the PLU (no pun intended), but this info seems very useful in providing our families with healthier foods.

One of the callers, a college student, was concerned about eating healthy. But she was on super-tight budget, so she wanted to know the top 5 foods to buy if she were going to go organic in a small way.

Jeff Cox mentioned the following foods, stating that if we could all eat these five organically grown foods, instead of their non-organic counterparts, we would all be “way ahead of the game.” They are (in no particular order):

1) Beef
2) Milk (GMO Hormones, also known as the Artificial Growth Hormone, increases milk production by 10%. But it is very bad for the cows who are treated with it. Guess what? It’s not good for us either.)
3) Strawberries
4) Apples
5) Bell Peppers

In these times of economic struggle, where the price of gas is quickly approaching $4 per gallon, it might be tempting to overlook the benefits of making organic choices part of our lives. Spending more doesn’t seem feasible. But the thought of making very few, specific changes doesn’t seem so bad. And the thought of providing healthier food for my wife and kids? Priceless.

I hope this helps!

And remember, you are not alone… 

Related posts:
Healthy Food Tip #2: The Perils of Partially Hydrogenated Oils and Other Bad Food Ingredients

Links to more information:
Wikipedia’s PLU Page