Zig Ziglar – Daddy Brain

September 29, 2009January 1, 2012

A Fresh Look at Goals: for Parents, Kids & the Family (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this series, I wrote about methods that help us define and develop goals.

Once you’ve clarified what they are, the next step is breaking each goal into down into manageable steps, so we can set out with a plan on how to accomplish them. This plan may need frequent adjusting. This is not only OK, but a healthy part of the process.

As we move along and things clarify, we sometimes find that part of a plan simply does not work. This is NOT to be considered failure, it is a mini-success because with the adjustment in our plan we align ourselves more closely with the end goal.

Ultimately, if we take steps on a daily basis (no matter how small) we can attain our goals. It’s important to remember that we may not reach our goals on the intended date. Some things are out of our control. And if you’re a parent, lack of time and energy are real obstacles that may hinder rapid accomplishment. Fear not, it’s still possible, as long as you become crystal clear about what you want and how you’re going to get it.

The good news is that if we do this ourselves, we wind up teaching our kids how to do it, too. It’s a winning situation for everybody.

Here’s snapshot of what my mentor, Zig Ziglar, says about the goals process. His fantastic book, See You At The Top, goes into great detail about this subject (see a full list of recommendations at the end of this article).

1)     Identify EXACTLY what I desire
2)     Spell out exactly why I’d like to reach these goals
3)     List the obstacles I need to overcome in order to get there
4)     Identify the people, groups and organizations I need to work with to get there
5)     Identify what I need to know (learn) in order to reach these goals
6)     Develop a plan of action
7)     Set a date on it. When do I expect to get there?

One additional thought. If this all seems overwhelming, that’s normal. You can’t possibly answer all of these questions all at once. If you’re just starting the process, you may not be able to answer any. But if you allow yourself to believe that you can do this, you will. If you believe that you can’t, you won’t. In other words, your perception will create your reality.

SPEAKING OF KIDS
It’s never too soon to help our kids learn to set their own goals. By this I do not mean us setting goals for them, that’s different (and also necessary).

For instance, my son Max is in kindergarten. I shouldn’t expect him to be able to answer the following: “So, what are your plans to get to college?”

But I can help him set some goals for the coming school year. Any extra-curricular activities he might want to partake in (ie: swimming or track and field…) I also like to discuss future goals with both him – from career to family plans. I do this with my 3-year old, too. It helps my boys develop their frontal lobe, which is so important in decision making and problem solving.

There are too many young adults that have not idea how to set a goal, or what to do with their lives.

OUR GOALS
I’d like to take a deeper look at the kindergarten to college analogy. ANYBODY who tried to look at this scenario as a point A to point B endeavor would be completely overwhelmed. Here’s a way it can be broken down:

Kindergarten (where I’m at) to College (the goal)
the step-by-step approach to accomplishing my goal:

– Section it off by grammar school, middle school, high school and college.
– Now break it down by grade (year): kindergarten, grade 1, etc.
– By semester
– By month
– By week
– By day
– By class

You get the idea. Each step leads us to the ultimate goal, but it’s much easier to build upon if you start from the “by class” goal. Now it’s manageable – a small enough bite that you can actually chew on it, instead of choke on it.

FAMILY GOALS
Family goals could be anything from spending more time together, taking a family vacation, helping each other get in shape, fixing up the house, etc…

Sometimes an individual’s goal becomes a family goal. For instance, my son Max wants to be a NASCAR driver.

This is his goal. But since he’s only 5, it’s my job (and my wife’s job) to help him attain it – making it a family goal.

My first step is bringing him to a kart race to gauge his interest level. Once he sees exactly what kids’ kart racing entails (this actually exists for kids his age), what does he think?

My responsibility is to help both boys set goals that are realistic and attainable (but not necessarily easy). I can’t expect Max to drive a full-sized car right now, but there are karts he can drive, or he can play a driving game on the Playstation, etc…

If we make goal setting a way of life for ourselves and our kids, we can all expect more fulfilling and less frustrating lives.

Is it easy? NO.

Have I accomplished everything? Hardly.

Is it worth it? Absolutely.

It’s a long road, but the sooner we get on the better off we’ll be.

And remember, you are not alone…

For further reading & listening:

Zig Ziglar
– See You at The Top (Highly reccomended book)
– Goals (audio CD’s)

Jack Canfield
The Success Principles (also available on audio CD)

Brian Tracy

September 28, 2009January 1, 2012

A Fresh Look at Goals: for Parents, Kids & the Family

Back to school doesn’t have to mean back to the same old daily grind.

This is true whether you’re a kid or an adult. Fall is the start of a new season, and with it comes opportunity.

You might be wondering – opportunity for what Daddy Brain? Raking up the leaves?

Nope. It’s an opportunity to take a fresh look at goals – for ourselves, our kids and our family.

Gaining a clear picture of our goals is a huge step in attaining them. If we can “see them,” then we can move toward them. Think about it as if you were driving cross-country in your car. It’s the middle of the night. There are no street lights. No headlights. Not even a dashboard light (hey, this is starting to sound like a Meatloaf song).

Tough, right? How can we reach our destination, let alone see ten feet ahead of us, under these circumstances? I think you’ll agree it’s much easier to see with headlights. Now add a GPS and you’ve got both short term goals (headlights) working in tandem with long-term goals (the GPS), all focused on that final destination.

Very powerful.

It’s the same with goals. We can’t truly begin the journey until we can see where we’re going (which makes clearly defining our goals an important goal in and of itself). Depending on where you are in life, this could take some time.

According to Jack Canfield, “one of the easiest ways to begin clarifying what you truly want is to make a list of 30 things you want to do, 30 things you want to have, and 30 things you want to be before you die.”

Brian Tracy puts it this way:
“Imagine that 5-years from now your whole life has been made perfect in every respect. Every aspect of your life. All your dreams have been fulfilled; every goal has been achieved. What would it look like if 5-years from now your life was ideal in every way?

Where would you be in five years?

Who would you be with?

What would you be doing?

How well would you be doing it?

How much would you be earning?

What kind of home would you live in?

What would be your level of physical fitness?

What would your family be like and your relationships?

How would your children be doing?

If your life were perfect 5-years form now in every respect – what would it look like?”

He goes on to raise more questions before he mentions that the 5-years are going to pass. No matter what. “And if you’re crystal clear about what your life is going to be like in 5-years, your chances of making that a reality go up about 1,000%.”

In Part 2 of this series, we’ll examine what to do with these goals once we’ve defined them. How to take our goals, set a plan of action and attain them? We’ll also take a look at family goals & how to teach goal setting & accomplishment to our kids.

And remember, you are not alone…

For further reading & listening:
The Daddy Brain Book Guide (has many recommendations on the subject of goals)

Zig Ziglar
– See You at The Top (Highly reccomended book)
– Goals (audio CD’s)

Jack Canfield
The Success Principles (also available on audio CD)

Brian Tracy

June 11, 2009October 15, 2010

Spare the Rod: Don’t Hit!

I am far from an expert on the Bible, but over the past few weeks I’ve been learning quite a bit.

In Matthew 7:12 it says: “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

The question is: how is this being accomplished when we spank a child? Does anybody really want to be spanked? Yes I know, some people like to be spanked. Hey, some people like to roll around in broken glass (like Iggy Pop), but that doesn’t mean it’s a good punishment for our kids! I know I’d rather be spoken to about a problem than beaten over it.

I got to wondering, does the Bible really say that if I love my child, I need to “rod” him when he misbehaves? Does it REALLY say this?

So I did some research, and here’s what I found in the Old Testament:

“He who spares the rod hates his son. But he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” — Proverbs, Chapter 13, Verse 24

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” — Proverbs, Chapter 22, verse 15

“Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shall deliver his soul from hell.” — Proverbs, Chapter 23, verse 14

“Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you beat him with a rod, he will not die.” — Proverbs, Chapter 23, verse 13

This section of the Bible could have easily been called Corporal Punishment 101.

In A.J. Jacobs fantastic book, The Year of Living Biblically, he attempts to follow the “letter of the law” in Proverbs.

Unable to convince himself to buy an actual rod or paddle to discipline his son with, the author buys a “spongy Nerf bat.” On the surface it’s a comical moment, but if you dig a little deeper it’s not funny at all.

“After dinner he (his son Jasper) grabs a handful of nickels off the dresser and chucks them across the room. So I take the Nerf bat and smack Jasper’s butt with it. I’ve never spanked him before, despite several temptations to do otherwise. When I swing my bat, even though it’s spongy and harmless, I break some sort of barrier — I have now punished my son physically.

It’s an unsettling feeling. It drives home just how lopsided the relationship is. Parents have God-like physical dominance over their kids, at least when those kids have yet to reach puberty. Jasper seems undisturbed by all this. He responds by laughing hysterically, grabbing his wiffle bat, and attempting to smack me back.

So I’m basically sanctioning violence here. The rod is a fiasco. But here’s the thing, I agree with the gist of Proverbs. I need to discipline my son more. I need to give Jasper some tough love, dispense more timeouts, or risk having him turn into a three-foot tall monster…I’ve got to get stricter…”

I agree with Jacobs. It’s not about copping out of dispensing discipline, it’s about dispensing the best kind of discipline.

Jacobs’ problem is that he’s been incapable of following through on ANY form of discipline (not good for anybody involved). This is made obvious by the way his son reacts to being “struck” by the Nerf bat.

Jasper had no fear. Why? Because he fully trusts that his father has no intention to cause him hurt or pain. That’s a good thing. On the other hand, with no effective form of discipline Jasper has no respect for his father’s word. In turn, there’s never a realistic consequence for his actions, so he does what he wants. Not good.

Now exchange the Nerf bat with an actual rod, coupled with intent to “discipline,” and suddenly fear enters the picture. In this case, Jasper will probably stop the unwanted behavior because there’s a real consequence — but what has he learned?

The truth is, kids can be reasoned with. I’ve experienced it first hand. Zig Ziglar, one of my mentors, says, “people often act as you treat them.” Treat a child like they are capable of reasoning, of understanding, and they will be — especially if you nurture that.

Nurture them to a higher place. Not to a base level of fear. Stopping an action through fear does not teach virtue or ethical lessons. It teaches kids to distrust. Is that what you want for your kids? To go through life without real trust? What kind of relationships will they have with people? Their spouse and their kids? How will they perceive themselves?

In his book, A Little Book of Parenting Skills, Mark Brady, PhD., explains:
“A parent’s role fulfills a sacred trust: one intended to safely help grow the heart, mind, brain and body of a vulnerable human being. No matter what you think, or what your own parents did that made you ‘turn out alright,’ hitting children violates that sacred trust.

Modern brain imaging studies clearly show that hitting children disrupts and disorganizes the developing structures of the body and brain. The home that used to be a safe refuge, no longer is. The people who used to be the ones a child could turn to for safety, no longer are. With nowhere safe to go, and no one available to turn to for soothing and help in regulating emotional distress, the world becomes an overwhelming, confusing, unmanageable place.”

My kids are two & four. They understand plenty good when I reason with them, or speak with them about the positive and negative consequences associated with their actions. The key, and the hard part, is keeping my word and following through with whatever consequence I dish out.

In Part 2 of this series I’ll consider the possibility that, if only taken literally, the Bible may be misinterpreted because the word of God is out of context. 6000 years have passed since the Old Testament was written. The meaning of words and concepts has changed drastically over 60 centuries.

And remember, you are not alone…

If you like this post, Stumble It!

May 14, 2009June 24, 2009

The Daddy Brain Book Guide: Resources & Reccomendations

This resource guide is designed for both dads and moms. As I put together the list, I realized that most of my sources were not “parenting books.” Rather, they’re books and audio books (perfect for people with long commutes) about all facets of life that have either affirmed or influenced me — as a parent, a husband and a spiritual being. Some help me develop philosophies on how to treat my children, while others enlighten me about what to teach them. Everything is linked to Amazon, so you can learn more about each book…

PARENTING
Books by Dr. Mark Brady, PhD:
– A Little Book of Parenting Skills
– Right Listening (formerly A Father’s Book of Listening)
– The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad,
by Joel Schwartzberg

– – – –

SPIRITUALITY
– Conversations with God, by Neil Donald Walsch
– Good Book, by David Plotz
– Spirit Healing: How to Make Your Life Work, by Mary Dean Atwood
– Eagle Vision: Return of the Hoop, by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man
– The Year of Living Biblically, by A.J. Jacobs
(I highly recommend the unabridged audio book)
– Zen and the Art of Poker, by Larry W. Phillips
(you must understand the game of poker to get the most from this book)
– Zen in the Art of Climbing Mountains, by Neville Shulman
(no mountain climbing experience necessary)

– – – –

INSPIRATION, MOTIVATION, GOALS
– Tribes, by Seth Godin
– Zen in the Art of Climbing Mountains, by Neville Shulman
– Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, M.D.

Books and Audio Books by Zig Ziglar:

Books
– See You at The Top (definitely read this one first)
– Over The Top
– Zig: The Autobiography of Zig Ziglar

Audio Books
– Goals
– Success and the Self Image
– A View From The Top
– How to be a Winner

– – – –

SELF IMPROVEMENT
(Note: all of Zig Ziglar’s books fall under this category as well)

Books
– The Sedona Method, by Hale Dwoskin

Audio Books
– The Sedona Method, by Hale Dwoskin
(The CD’s are expensive, but they can also be life changing)

– – – –

THE HUMAN BRAIN, AND OTHER INTERESTING STUFF
– How We Decide, by Jonah Lehrer

Books & audio books by Malcolm Gladwell:
(Highly recommended in audio book form, Malcolm is an excellent reader)
– The Tipping Point
– Blink
– Outliers

– – – –

AWESOME KIDS’ BOOKS
– Hugo Cabret, by Brian Selznick
– Some Dogs Do, by Jez Alborough
– The Carrot Seed, by Ruth Krauss, Crockett Johnson
– The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

April 22, 2009April 26, 2009

The Four H’s of Self Destruction: When Hobby becomes Habit

– Oxford American Dictionary

In this installment of The Four H’s of Self Destruction, we’ll take a closer look at some of the factors that turn Hobby into Habit. If you’d like to read the first part of the series click here.

I’ve been investigating this topic for months. Although I’ve learned a lot, I have discovered that each new bit of information I uncover holds more questions than it does answers.

What is the tipping point where Hobby becomes Habit?
Let’s begin with a comparison of meaning between the two:

Hobby: “done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure” (harmless).
Habit: “a regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up / informal: an addictive practice, especially one of taking drugs, which can develop into a bad habit” (not so harmless).

According to my mentor, Zig Ziglar:
“Good habits are difficult to acquire, but easy to live with. Bad habits are easy to acquire, but difficult to live with. Almost without exception, bad habits come slowly and pleasantly and, in most instances, the habit has you before you’re aware you have the habit.

Habit is a cable. We weave a thread of it each day until it becomes too strong to break. Then the strength of that habit cable takes us to the top – or ties us to the bottom, depending on whether it is a good habit or a bad one… All bad habits, trends, etc., start slowly, quietly and apparently harmlessly.”

It’s important to remember, not all habits are negative. In fact, some can be very positive. It’s a good habit to brush your teeth, eat three meals a day, exercise and shower regularly. Brushing your teeth becomes a bad habit when you’re doing it so much that you’re causing your mouth to bleed, or it’s interfering with your day because you’re physically, mentally and/or emotionally held hostage by the habit.

Habit appears to be linked to addiction, obsession, compulsion and dependence – and I wonder which comes first – the habit or the mental state. When something is a hobby, does one obsess over it until it turns into a habit (addiction)? Or does something become a habit first, and then one starts to obsess over it?

In other words, does a person with a habit develop obsessive/compulsive tendencies, or is someone with an obsessive/compulsive personality simply manifesting their mental state into reality in the form of a habit?

I also think that hobbies can become bad habits when we start using the hobby as a coping mechanism. If we’re using it to cope, then it takes on attributes that are designed to help us AVOID solving problems. I’m not talking about coping for a short period of time because of a major life event. I’m talking about using it on a daily basis under “normal circumstances.”

A person may sit down “to relax” and watch some TV instead of sitting down at the computer to update their resume and make a game plan to find a better job. The habit of watching TV is rationalized into a solution, but in reality only perpetuates the problem. Weeks, months and years may go by without any change in the resume, let alone one’s place of employment. Unless, of course, this person does indeed get on the computer after they’ve watched their show. In which case, the TV has not be come a negative habit, but is being used simply to relax before they get down to work.

Substitute a TV habit with any of the infinite other things that people find comfort in, and you’ve got a whole lot of people stuck in a habit of procrastination, among other things.

How do we procure a hobby into a good habit and keep it there?
Where is the in-between point where the habit is healthy and effective? It’s important to distinguish bad habits from good, and define the line that exists where fantastic turns to fatal because you’ve gone too far. I think it’s a question of dedication (which includes motivation, inspiration, determination and hope) vs. addiction (which includes dependency, obsession, compulsion and enslavement).

In Seth Godin’s book, Purple Cow, he mentions the Japanese word Otaku, which means “something that’s more than a hobby but a little less than an obsession. Otaku is the overwhelming desire that gets someone to drive across town to try a new ramen-noodle shop that got a great review. Otaku is the desire to find out everything about Lionel’s new digital locomotive – and tell your fellow hobbyists about it.”

Otaku is a place that seems positive. It’s got desire and determination built into it, without any negative baggage.

How do we get rid of a bad habit?
I need to start off by stating that I am not a psychologist or a doctor. Although I’d like to share my findings on the subject, this article is not meant to replace the help of a professional. But I do hope you find it helpful, or at least as interesting as I do.

In William James’ book, Psychology, published in 1948, James writes of “the two great maxims of treatment,” develoved by Professor Alexander Bain:

“The first is that in the acquisition of a new habit, or leaving off of an old one, we must take care to launch ourselves with as strong and decided an initiative as possible. Accumulate all the possible circumstances which shall re-enforce the right motives; put yourself assiduously in conditions that encourage the new way; make engagements incompatible with the old; take public pledge, if the case allows; in short, envelop your resolution with every aid you know. This will give your new beginning a such a momentum that the temptation to break down will not occur as soon as it otherwise might; and every day during which a breakdown is postponed adds to the chances of its not occurring at all.

The second maxim is: Never suffer an exception to occur till the new habit is securely rooted in your life. Each lapse is like the letting fall of a ball of string which one is carefully winding up; a single slip undoes more than a great many turns will wind again. Continuity of training is the great means of making the nervous system act infallibly right.”

Zig Ziglar speaks similarly on the subject. He mentions that to break a bad habit, first one must truly commit to breaking it. Then a person needs to avoid the unwanted habit for at least 21 days in order to “break” it. He also mentions that you cannot discard an old habit without replacing it. In other words, you’ve got to find a new, positive habit to fill the void left when you let go of the old one.

The next installment of the series looks at what happens when Habit becomes Harmful.

And remember, you are not alone…

If you like this post, Stumble It!

February 27, 2009January 1, 2012

Do Your Kids Know What Goals Are?

Do your kids know what a goal is? Or do they think it’s what occurs when somebody scores in soccer?

Recently, I’ve been listening to a motivational/inspirational speaker named Zig Ziglar. Zig has an amazing audio book called Goals, which I highly recommend.

Listening to the CD’s, I got to thinking about my boys. Have I been teaching them about goals?

For some reason, probably because they’re both so bright, I assumed they already knew what a goal was.

When I asked them about it and got the, “it’s when somebody scores in soccer dad” response, I realized that I had not been teaching them — at least not in a direct way. We work on goals all the time, but I had never given them the language to understand what it was we were doing.

They needed a kid-friendly definition of the word and the concept. And they needed it now so that goal setting (and attainment) could become a core value and a way of life.

Although I’ve been “setting goals” for many years, until recently I have not written them down or defined them clearly — so they were always in a cloudy, “gaseous” state. Since they were not clearly defined, I didn’t have a tangible idea of how I would attain them, which made it impossible to fully commit to them. I just figured they’d manifest eventually if I did a little something for them here and there.

In other words, I didn’t really know how to set a goal. I was never taught.

Without a plan with realistic steps in it, I found that my “a little here and there,” was nowhere to be found. Without a clear intention there is no real goal to work towards. Just a lofty idea. As Zig would say, I was a “wandering generality,” and I needed to become a “meaningful specific.” He goes on to mention that even Howard Hill, the greatest archer in the world could not hit a bulls-eye while blindfolded. “How on earth could anybody hit a target they couldn’t see? …How can you hit a target (goal) you do not have?”

So, what’s the best way to teach these values to our children? Live them ourselves.

I do my best to start each day by asking myself: “what great thing am I going to do today?” This puts me in a good frame of mind to be proactive.

I’ve also started asking myself the following:

– Do I have milestone goals for my kids? To teach them how to ride a bike, be able to read or understand an appropriate level of spirituality by a certain age?

– Do I help my kids set “high-reaching” goals, teaching them to reach high for themselves in the process?

– Am I helping my kids set their own goals, and giving them the space to attain them? Am I supporting them (when necessary) through the process so they can come out of it having completed the goal — developing the values of integrity and perseverance?

I want to make sure that my boys know even if it’s hard, in this family we don’t give up. If this is important to you, you can get it done. I believe in you.

And remember, you are not alone…