Thoughts, feelings and occasional advice on being a real dad in the real world.
Join myself and Pastor Paul Peterson @ paulpetersonlive.com for our ongoing conversation about The Bible.
It’s an interesting combination of ignorance (mine) and expert-level knowledge (his) as I ask some pretty pointed questions.
Paul is a really good guy, as well as a dedicated family man and church leader. I highly recommend his blog!
And remember, you are not alone…
One Saturday morning, I was running errands with my son, Joss, when a strange thing happened.
I found integrity at Home Depot.
No, it wasn’t in one of the employees (who are surprisingly helpful at my local store), nor was it in the store itself.
On our quest for flowers for mommy and some water-softener, I found integrity in myself.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with water-softener salt, it’s something that helps keep your water softener cleaned out and working well so your water isn’t “hard.” Hard water is akin to taking a shower in liquid sandpaper – which is perfect if you’re trying to exfoliate.
When you buy the 40 lb. bag (geez!) of salt, you need to tell the cashier to ring it up, then load it into your cart on your way out (large piles of it sit conveniently by the exit). I asked for two bags, swiped my debit card, and got the salt.
When I got home I looked at the receipt. The cashier had not rung up the salt, which cost about $16.
I was faced with a decision. Nobody knew but me. I could have the salt free of charge. But just because nobody knew, didn’t make it right. Even though it was not intentional, and the huge corporation that is Home Depot would never miss my $16, it still felt wrong in my gut.
Then I realized, this situation had the potential to build up my integrity, or chip away at it.
Here’s the thing: (1) the nagging feeling in my gut wasn’t going to go away; (2) and not paying could cost me far more than $16, because it would have undermined how I felt about myself. Not a good recipe for success.
What kind of man was I?
I had to choose whether I was the guy who did the right thing, or the guy who ignored my integrity to save a few bucks. So I went back and paid for the salt (it did take me a few days to get back to the store).
This experience also gave me an opportunity to set a good example for my son, Max, who was with me this time. I explained to him what had happened and why I made the decision I made. This made the cost of those two 40 lb. bags worth their weight in gold.
But wait.
Before you start thinking I’m acting all high and mighty about this, I’ll admit there have been times where my integrity has wavered. And although it’s always over small stuff, I find myself wondering – how much integrity is enough?
Is burning an occasional CD from the library really “small stuff,” in the cosmic scheme of things? When compared to murder, stealing and infidelity, I’d have to say yes. Does that make it right, acceptable, or just plain rationalized? I think we all have a sliding scale of what seems like a breech of integrity and what does not. But where do we draw the line?
And remember you are not alone…
“It’s not how big a splash you make in life – it’s how well you swim, how strong you are and how many laps you can endure.
The splash is over in two seconds. Afterward, you either sink or swim…”
The good news is that we are not stuck with our current “swimming ability.” We can improve, as long as we’re willing to do the work.
And remember, you are not alone…
A driver who cuts you off on the highway. A cashier who crushes your eggs with an 8 lb. watermelon. The arrogant jerk who acts like he thinks he’s better than everybody else – or is just plain smarter.
When I experience people like this my first instinct is often to think, say, or shout (if I’m in the car) something like, “moron!” OK, I admit, I’m keeping it clean. Sometimes I say far worse – quite emphatically!
But then I remember a very important message I was given:
“There’s always another side to understand. You may not necessarily agree with it. But know that side is there. Try to understand it, instead of judging.”
With such busy lives, not to mention coping with constant exhaustion, it’s sometimes easier to look at something (or someone) on a one-dimensional level.
A couple of years ago I noticed a guy I kind of knew walking around work looking extremely depressed. At first I didn’t look past his depression. But then one day I asked him if he was OK. It turned out he was in the middle of a divorce, and he was being granted very little time with his kids. He wasn’t just “some depressed guy,” he was tormented by the loss of his children.
Maybe the driver who cuts us off is rushing to the hospital. Or maybe they’re “venting” with aggressive driving because of stress over money, work, health issues or a failing relationship. It doesn’t make their driving acceptable, but it makes it comprehensible.
The arrogant jerk who acts like he thinks he’s better than everybody else may really feel totally insecure, inadequate or downright horrible about himself. So he/she compensates with arrogance.
These people might just be idiots – there’s that possibility. But I think it’s unlikely that anybody’s story begins or ends so simply.
In 1996, I had just completed my first full-length screenplay. Honestly, it was awful, but at the time I didn’t know this. I was working in Manhattan at the corporate office of a major jeans company (in the customer service department), when I received an interesting phone call from a coworker.
Billy Crystal had just walked into our retail store (which was just downstairs). My heart raced. I opened my desk drawer which contained a pristine, polished copy of my awful script. I had a decision to make…
I took the elevator to the store and ran down the staircase toward street level. About halfway down I saw Billy. The poor guy was shopping with his wife and daughter. Still on the stairs I barked excitedly at him, “Hi Billy. I have this screenplay I’ve written, and I’d really appreciate if you could read it and tell me what you think!”
He looked mortified, but remained polite. He told me that he wasn’t allowed to accept any material unless it first passed through his agent (which is true). I think he even apologized before he walked away.
This guy had class. And at the time, I had none.
So what does this have to do with “two sides to every story?” Before I forced myself on the guy, I didn’t think about Billy’s point of view. He was trying to have a nice afternoon out with his family. He’s probably constantly bombarded (especially in 1996) by people asking for stuff and wanting stuff.
Yes, I had the guts to speak to a super star. But I was also disrespectful, not to mention the fact that I probably put a bad taste in his mouth about ever stepping foot in the store again.
Billy, you probably don’t remember me. You’ve probably let go of the incident long ago. But I would honestly like to apologize. I didn’t take your side into consideration, and I wound up being the rude person. And every time I watch Monsters, Inc. with my boys, I think about the lesson I learned that day.
And remember, you are not alone…
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Here I sit, having freshly completed, The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad. I’ve committed to writing a review, which is fine by me. The book is refreshingly good, and I enjoyed it immensely. But where do I start? How do I do it justice without sounding like dozens of other positive reviews of Joel’s work?
I think I’ll start from the same place Joel did. Honesty. I don’t mean honesty like, “hey, I stole your pen.” I mean honesty that comes from the soul. Honesty about feelings that men are not supposed to have, let alone share. But Joel is brave enough to do just that.
Although many of the mini-chapters (which are really self-contained articles, perfect lengths for busy dads) are just plain funny, there’s a healthy dose of real issues that concern dads — both married and divorced. From the sad, defeated moment of moving back in with his parents (after the divorce), to using donuts & driving as a form of escapism, to rebuilding one’s life — Joel shows us (dads) that we are not as alone as we may have thought.
I also like the way Joel reminded me of the sacredness of even the most mundane-appearing moments with my kids. I could go on, but why? I’d rather let the author speak, or should I say type, for himself. I hope you enjoy the interview…
Daddy Brain: Are you still seeing your kids just once a week? If so, how do you feel about this?
Joel Schwartzberg: I see the kids (my son, 9; and twin daughters, 6) every Friday night, and all day Saturday. I also take one of them out every Wednesday night for dinner or dessert so we can do some one-on-one bonding. Given my full-time work schedule, it’s as much exposure as I can logistically get, and I’m thankful for every moment. But I don’t measure my fatherhood by how much time I spend with them; I consider myself a full-time father. Fathers are fathers, period.
DB: How were you treated during the divorce process? Did you get any respect as a dad or a man?
JS: My ex and I chose to use a mediator, because there was mutual trust at first. I also didn’t want the kids to have to move out of their house, even if it meant giving more than what was required.
Since then, my ex has moved into another house with her boyfriend, but doesn’t seem to realize that changes the game a bit. So, unfortunately, we’re talking to lawyers now about, to put it diplomatically, equalizing the situation.
It helps that I now feel equally qualified as a parent. Early in the divorce, I felt like the lesser parent. I think many dads – divorced or not – probably fall into that trap, but in truth our dadhood is ours to define. It’s up to us to take responsibility and discover what I call our “inner dads”.
DB: I have divorced dad friends that struggle with balancing their new (intimate) relationship with their relationship with the kids. They’re haunted by fear of commitment; fear of another failed relationship; difficulty integrating their kids into the mix; the need for friendship & intimacy vs. the fact that their girlfriend might not be the right match for a man with kids. How was this transition for you?
JS: Well, fortunately, I wasn’t burdened by any of those anxieties and fears. My kids love people who love them back, so I had no real concerns about their new stepmom, who has the double benefit of being a 5th grade teacher and a terrific cook.
As far as me, my last marriage showed me the dynamic that doesn’t work for me, making it easier for me to recognize the one that does. Yes, there’s a balancing act between my life as a husband and my life as a father to these kids, but my wife is patient and understanding (and I reward her as often as I can). Finding someone who would accept me and my three little carry-ons was not hard, but I consider myself very lucky in that regard.
DB: In your book you have an article called, “Parenting by Numbers.” Something you wrote hit me hard. “This is the year it will sink in… This is the year they’ll start to think of me as a terrible, angry father.” Raising my voice. Losing my patience. Being snippy, short and gruff. There are all things I battle with on a daily basis. And quite frankly, even if it only makes up 2% of my time with my boys, I feel like an awful father. What do you do to avoid these negative moments? How has your progress been?
JS: Those moments seemed to subside with the emerging definition of my own role in my kids’ life. When I was defining my fatherhood based on my ex-wife’s expectations, it frustrated me to no end, and I’m sure I transferred that resentment to the kids. But now I remind myself that I’m their dad – their only father — and I have control over this situation. It also helps to put myself in their shoes; I can appreciate a lot of their hurt and vulnerability that way.
I think we need to cut ourselves some slack too. All parents are handicapped in one way or another. We all screw up. But kids at this age are incredibly resilient, so the point is how we move past it.
I talk to my kids about my anger, and sometimes apologize for it if I feel I’ve crossed a line. This seems to make everyone feel better. Some have called that weak parenting, but I want my kids to be comfortable expressing their deep emotions, and as their parent I need to model that behavior.
DB: What advice do you have for divorced dads, or dads that are in the process of getting divorced?
JS: To remember they are not divorcing their kids; just their ex. To see the divorce as an opportunity to reconnect to their children on their own terms and, in doing so, become a more genuine – and happy — dad. And to understand that they are their children’s permanent, irreplaceable, full-time Dad, no matter what. Nothing can change that.
DB: Finally, will there be a sequel to your book? Or are you going to be like Billy Joel and just ride on the success of your previous work, never to grace us with anything new again? What’s his deal anyway?
JS: That’s probably what his last wife is saying.
As for me, I’m going to see how far this book goes. It was optioned by an L.A. producer. Let me say that again: IT WAS OPTIONED BY AN L.A. PRODUCER. So when that dream gets inevitably crushed, I’ll decide what to do next. I do have a day job, you know.
– – – –
I’d like to thank Joel for taking the time to answer my questions. If you’d like to learn more about his book, or contact him, please visit: his Web site.
And remember, you are not alone…
I’ve got a silly story to share about something I do at work. Well, at least it might seem silly.
I have been making a tinfoil ball out of the foil I wrap my bagels in. Let me tell you, that ball started off small. But as time went on it grew in stature, ever so slightly, day by day.
Goals are the same way. If you try and “build the ball” all at once, it could easily be overwhelming — not to mention near impossible when we’re talking about larger life goals. If we try and tackle too much, we might get tangled up in all the tinfoil.
But if you take it one layer at a time, one step at a time, over time you can build something magnificent.
And remember, you are not alone…
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A few weeks ago, I received a speeding ticket while traveling to work.
I was running late because one of my boys was up all night, so I was severely dragging my butt.
I had no intention of speeding. But my fatigue, coupled with listening to a Zig Ziglar audio book, created less than optimal conditions for me to pay attention to the speedometer.
I was clocked at 71 mph in a 55 mph zone. Doh!
You might be wondering, “What’s your point, Joey? People get speeding tickets every day.” Which is true, but the incident became a milestone moment for me — it became a lesson in integrity. Both seeing it in someone else, as well as showing some of my own.
When the policeman gave me my ticket, he did a great job. He was courteous, informative, knowledgeable and professional. He made the experience almost pleasant (except for the hefty fine and license points). Not what I expected.
As he handed me a ticket, I decided to thank him for his kindness. This was not a tactic to have him rip up the ticket; I knew that wasn’t happening. I was sincere. I wanted to give this man, who could have easily been a rude turd, some positive feedback on a job well done.
After I drove away, at a legal speed on cruise control, I realized the import of what had just happened.
I had made no excuses. The incident was my fault and I took full responsibility for my actions. I didn’t blame my son for his sleepless night. I held myself accountable and exercised some integrity (in a surprising way). Since the ticket, not once have I thought (or said), “that jerk, why’d he give me a ticket? Moron!” No, he was doing his job and holding me accountable for my actions.
The real point of the story has nothing to do with me. It’s about all of us. It’s about the choices we make, how they shape us and what kind of example we set for our kids.
If we can turn a speeding ticket into a positive experience, brimming with integrity, imagine what we can do with the rest of our lives. Whether you know it or not, your integrity is there. It’s just a question of if you’re listening when it speaks.
And remember, you are not alone…
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In this final installment of my discipline and The Bible series, I’d like to ask the following question:
Could you imagine if we only did what our forefathers (and foremothers) did?
Just because our forefathers did things a certain way does not make it the best way, or the right way. If we only did what our predecessors did, we would have no plumbing, electricity, cars, TVs, cell phones, computers, indoor toilets or eye glasses. Slavery would still be legal, women wouldn’t be allowed to vote, and we’d still believe the world was flat — you get the point.
There was a time when builders stuffed walls with asbestos as insulation. Then, someone discovered (I’m paraphrasing), “wait, that’s bad stuff! It’s making people sick and it could kill you!” So we stopped using it. Until the 1970’s lead was in paint, that ‘s just how it was. Then one day someone realized it was bad, especially if kids ate it, and we stopped using lead paint.
What if we’d just kept using these things? Wouldn’t that be stupid, especially once we learned they were unhealthy choices?
Then why, in the name of God (no pun intended), do some people still hit their kids when there’s so much evidence that it’s harmful? (Click here for evidence, and here, and here.)
Times change, things change. We learn and adjust.
Yet some people insist on being literal about what The Bible says concerning discipline, instead of putting it in a modern-day context.
Here’s what I don’t understand. Why do these people take Proverbs’ words on discipline literally, while “overlooking” other things in the Bible they could take literally — like Solomon having 700 wives? I doubt there are many women out there that would be OK with their husbands having one extra wife, let alone 699!
So it’s OK to beat your kids, but not have 700 wives. Hmmm. Sounds like picking and choosing what’s convenient to me.
Simply heeding the word of the Bible when it comes to discipline is the easy way out. It’s time to stop the literal translation and take responsibility for our actions and our children’s future.
The last I heard, “turn the other cheek,” was not an invitation to take another whack of the paddle on the OTHER butt cheek.
If you haven’t already read them, here are links to Part 1 (quotes from The Bible, plus modern opinions) and Part 2 (which questions if the word of God is being misinterpreted).
And remember, you are not alone…
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Related Links:
– Spare The Rod: Don’t Hit (Part 1)
– Spare the Rod: Don’t Hit (Part 2)
– Never Hit a Child
– Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 1)
– Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 2)
– Equal Rights for Kids: Let Your Kids Decide
If the Old Testament of The Bible was written 6,000 years ago, then people who take it literally may be taking the word of God out of context. The meaning of words and concepts have changed drastically over the past 60 centuries, which leaves lots of room for misinterpretation.
Shoot the Ball!
For instance, take the example of a cowboy, a gunslinger from the Wild West. Put him on a basketball court, hand him a ball and tell him, “shoot the ball, shoot the ball!” What’s he going to do? He’s going to take the ball, drop it, and shoot it with his gun.
What you’re trying to tell him is to shoot the ball at the basket.
“The what?” He says.
“The hoop,” you tell him as you point to it.
“The who?” He replies.
Obviously his interpretation of your words is very different from what you meant. As the ball deflates you wonder, will anybody notice the bullet hole in the parquet floor?
The Question
When the Bible says not to spare the rod on a child, maybe it just means, “make certain you discipline your kids.”
Or, maybe hitting was the only form of discipline they had 6,000 years ago. If this was the case, then God might have simply been speaking to his people in terms they understood at the time.
For Another Theory…
…on why the rod is such a prevalent form of discipline in Proverbs, let’s take a look at the scribe who wrote down God’s word. Maybe his only form of known discipline was hitting. If he had the CRAP beat out of him as a kid, he’s going to filter the Word of God through his own life experience. What else is he going to say? “Give your kids a time out and use positive and negative consequences as an effective tool of discipline?”
NO! He had the crap beat out of him! He’s going to tell you to beat the crap out of your kids.
More to come on this subject soon. Until then, don’t hit!
And remember, you are not alone…
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Related Links:
– Spare The Rod: Don’t Hit (Part 1)
– Spare the Rod, Don’t Hit (Part 3)
– Never Hit a Child
– Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 1)
– Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 2)
– Equal Rights for Kids: Let Your Kids Decide
I am far from an expert on the Bible, but over the past few weeks I’ve been learning quite a bit.
In Matthew 7:12 it says: “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
The question is: how is this being accomplished when we spank a child? Does anybody really want to be spanked? Yes I know, some people like to be spanked. Hey, some people like to roll around in broken glass (like Iggy Pop), but that doesn’t mean it’s a good punishment for our kids! I know I’d rather be spoken to about a problem than beaten over it.
I got to wondering, does the Bible really say that if I love my child, I need to “rod” him when he misbehaves? Does it REALLY say this?
So I did some research, and here’s what I found in the Old Testament:
“He who spares the rod hates his son. But he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” — Proverbs, Chapter 13, Verse 24
“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” — Proverbs, Chapter 22, verse 15
“Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shall deliver his soul from hell.” — Proverbs, Chapter 23, verse 14
“Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you beat him with a rod, he will not die.” — Proverbs, Chapter 23, verse 13
This section of the Bible could have easily been called Corporal Punishment 101.
In A.J. Jacobs fantastic book, The Year of Living Biblically, he attempts to follow the “letter of the law” in Proverbs.
Unable to convince himself to buy an actual rod or paddle to discipline his son with, the author buys a “spongy Nerf bat.” On the surface it’s a comical moment, but if you dig a little deeper it’s not funny at all.
“After dinner he (his son Jasper) grabs a handful of nickels off the dresser and chucks them across the room. So I take the Nerf bat and smack Jasper’s butt with it. I’ve never spanked him before, despite several temptations to do otherwise. When I swing my bat, even though it’s spongy and harmless, I break some sort of barrier — I have now punished my son physically.
It’s an unsettling feeling. It drives home just how lopsided the relationship is. Parents have God-like physical dominance over their kids, at least when those kids have yet to reach puberty. Jasper seems undisturbed by all this. He responds by laughing hysterically, grabbing his wiffle bat, and attempting to smack me back.
So I’m basically sanctioning violence here. The rod is a fiasco. But here’s the thing, I agree with the gist of Proverbs. I need to discipline my son more. I need to give Jasper some tough love, dispense more timeouts, or risk having him turn into a three-foot tall monster…I’ve got to get stricter…”
I agree with Jacobs. It’s not about copping out of dispensing discipline, it’s about dispensing the best kind of discipline.
Jacobs’ problem is that he’s been incapable of following through on ANY form of discipline (not good for anybody involved). This is made obvious by the way his son reacts to being “struck” by the Nerf bat.
Jasper had no fear. Why? Because he fully trusts that his father has no intention to cause him hurt or pain. That’s a good thing. On the other hand, with no effective form of discipline Jasper has no respect for his father’s word. In turn, there’s never a realistic consequence for his actions, so he does what he wants. Not good.
Now exchange the Nerf bat with an actual rod, coupled with intent to “discipline,” and suddenly fear enters the picture. In this case, Jasper will probably stop the unwanted behavior because there’s a real consequence — but what has he learned?
The truth is, kids can be reasoned with. I’ve experienced it first hand. Zig Ziglar, one of my mentors, says, “people often act as you treat them.” Treat a child like they are capable of reasoning, of understanding, and they will be — especially if you nurture that.
Nurture them to a higher place. Not to a base level of fear. Stopping an action through fear does not teach virtue or ethical lessons. It teaches kids to distrust. Is that what you want for your kids? To go through life without real trust? What kind of relationships will they have with people? Their spouse and their kids? How will they perceive themselves?
In his book, A Little Book of Parenting Skills, Mark Brady, PhD., explains:
“A parent’s role fulfills a sacred trust: one intended to safely help grow the heart, mind, brain and body of a vulnerable human being. No matter what you think, or what your own parents did that made you ‘turn out alright,’ hitting children violates that sacred trust.
Modern brain imaging studies clearly show that hitting children disrupts and disorganizes the developing structures of the body and brain. The home that used to be a safe refuge, no longer is. The people who used to be the ones a child could turn to for safety, no longer are. With nowhere safe to go, and no one available to turn to for soothing and help in regulating emotional distress, the world becomes an overwhelming, confusing, unmanageable place.”
My kids are two & four. They understand plenty good when I reason with them, or speak with them about the positive and negative consequences associated with their actions. The key, and the hard part, is keeping my word and following through with whatever consequence I dish out.
In Part 2 of this series I’ll consider the possibility that, if only taken literally, the Bible may be misinterpreted because the word of God is out of context. 6000 years have passed since the Old Testament was written. The meaning of words and concepts has changed drastically over 60 centuries.
And remember, you are not alone…
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Related Links:
Spare the Rod: Don’t Hit (Part 2)
Spare the Rod, Don’t Hit (Part 3)
Never Hit a Child
Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 1)
Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 2)
Equal Rights for Kids: Let Your Kids Decide
Daddy Brain 