daddy blogs – Page 8

The show aired live on Monday, March 16th @ 7 pm, Central Time, on WORT Radio (89.9 FM). The topic of the show was: Dads are Not Second-class Parents.

I took calls, live on the air, from dads just like you about issues that relate to modern day dads. I even had a surprise in-studio guest who spoke about raising his son and a rare positive divorce experience (in the courts & with his ex).

Although there were a few kinks, like not mentioning the station’s phone number enough, the show went well and I learned a lot. I’m also grateful to WORT for providing me with the opportunity.

Click the link above and listen to the archived show from anywhere in the world on your computer with streaming audio.

And remember, you are not alone…

March 3, 2009May 7, 2010

The Daddy Brain Dads’ Group

Are you a dad local to the Madison, Wisconsin, area? If so, you’re welcome to join the Daddy Brain Dads’ Group.

It’s a place for modern-day dads to talk about what’s on our minds, in our hearts and what we struggle with as parents. Whether you’re a working dad, a stay-at-home-dad, or somewhere in-between — this is your chance to be heard.

Join our monthly meetings the third Wednesday of every month, from 7:30-8:45 pm @ The Madison Public Library, Sequoya Branch, 4340 Tokay Blvd, Madison, WI.

Upcoming meeting date:
– Meetings are scheduled to resume in Late Summer/Fall. Check back soon for more details.

To reserve your seat, or for more info, contact Joey at daddybrain@live.com

or 608-216-6760.

And remember, you are not alone…

March 2, 2009March 11, 2009

Multi-channel Daddy Brain Events in March

March is shaping up to be a very positive month for Daddy Brain, with three modern-day-dad events!

If you’re a dad please feel free to join me — in person or on the radio waves. And please spread the word…

March 12, 2009
Fulfilling the Promise Conference: supporting and educating parents
3 pm, Kalahari Resorts, Wisconsin Dells, WI
No Father is an Island Workshop. I will be speaking with professionals who work directly with dads and families. Topics include issues I wrote about in Dads are Not Second-class Parents, and how they relate to dads in different family, professional and economic situations. This was also a topic I discussed on At Issue With Ben Merens, on Wisconsin Public Radio. Click here for access to all three shows that Daddy Brain appeared on.

March 16, 2009
The Daddy Brain Radio Show
7 pm, Central Time, WORT Radio
I’ll be taking calls on the air about issues relating to modern day dads. Feel free to call in! You can listen to this show on your computer with live streaming audio by adding it to your iTunes, Windows Media Player, VLC or Winamp. Just click here and download the station to the format of your choice. If you’re local to Wisconsin you can also listen on 89.9 FM.

March 19, 2009
The Daddy Brain Dads’ Group
7:30 pm, The Madison Public Library, Sequoya Branch, Madison, WI
A place for modern-day dads to talk about what’s on our minds, in our hearts and what we struggle with as parents. Whether you’re a working dad, a stay-at-home-dad, or somewhere in-between — this is your chance to be heard.

Join our monthly meetings the third Thursday of every month @ The Madison Public Library, Sequoya Branch, 4340 Tokay Blvd, Madison, WI. Our first meeting will be Thursday, March 19th from 7:30-8:45 pm. To reserve your seat, or for more info, contact Joey at joeyguido@juno.com.

And remember, you are not alone…

February 27, 2009January 1, 2012

Do Your Kids Know What Goals Are?

Do your kids know what a goal is? Or do they think it’s what occurs when somebody scores in soccer?

Recently, I’ve been listening to a motivational/inspirational speaker named Zig Ziglar. Zig has an amazing audio book called Goals, which I highly recommend.

Listening to the CD’s, I got to thinking about my boys. Have I been teaching them about goals?

For some reason, probably because they’re both so bright, I assumed they already knew what a goal was.

When I asked them about it and got the, “it’s when somebody scores in soccer dad” response, I realized that I had not been teaching them — at least not in a direct way. We work on goals all the time, but I had never given them the language to understand what it was we were doing.

They needed a kid-friendly definition of the word and the concept. And they needed it now so that goal setting (and attainment) could become a core value and a way of life.

Although I’ve been “setting goals” for many years, until recently I have not written them down or defined them clearly — so they were always in a cloudy, “gaseous” state. Since they were not clearly defined, I didn’t have a tangible idea of how I would attain them, which made it impossible to fully commit to them. I just figured they’d manifest eventually if I did a little something for them here and there.

In other words, I didn’t really know how to set a goal. I was never taught.

Without a plan with realistic steps in it, I found that my “a little here and there,” was nowhere to be found. Without a clear intention there is no real goal to work towards. Just a lofty idea. As Zig would say, I was a “wandering generality,” and I needed to become a “meaningful specific.” He goes on to mention that even Howard Hill, the greatest archer in the world could not hit a bulls-eye while blindfolded. “How on earth could anybody hit a target they couldn’t see? …How can you hit a target (goal) you do not have?”

So, what’s the best way to teach these values to our children? Live them ourselves.

I do my best to start each day by asking myself: “what great thing am I going to do today?” This puts me in a good frame of mind to be proactive.

I’ve also started asking myself the following:

– Do I have milestone goals for my kids? To teach them how to ride a bike, be able to read or understand an appropriate level of spirituality by a certain age?

– Do I help my kids set “high-reaching” goals, teaching them to reach high for themselves in the process?

– Am I helping my kids set their own goals, and giving them the space to attain them? Am I supporting them (when necessary) through the process so they can come out of it having completed the goal — developing the values of integrity and perseverance?

I want to make sure that my boys know even if it’s hard, in this family we don’t give up. If this is important to you, you can get it done. I believe in you.

And remember, you are not alone…

February 19, 2009September 16, 2011

Dealing with Terrible Tantrums

Recently my 2 1/2 year old son, Joss, went through a 10-day marathon of uber-tantrums.

Night and day, out of the blue tantrums terrorized us all. The worst were in the middle of the night, where I feel most unprepared to cope with a screaming child. Here is this little person throwing everything out of his bed — while kicking, flailing, screaming his head off.

I’m sorry, but having the ass of beanbag duckie hit me in the face — no matter how plush it might be — triggers my own anger and frustration, making me ready for a tantrum of my own. Not a good place to be (for either of us).

There are hundreds of articles about this subject online, including 121 on FamilyEducation.com’s Tantrum page. So I’ll spare you a rehashing of the same old stuff. Since my son has not taken to throwing refrigerators (yet), I’m sure the sound advice on a trusted Web link will suffice.

Instead, I’d like to take the discussion to another level and question the very essence of a tantrum, and our role in them…

FamilyEducation.com’s article Taming Toddler Tantrums, raises some good points that I’d like to use as a springboard:

1) “Parents of toddlers need to keep one thing in mind when their child begins to have a tantrum: Your child can not help it“
2) “When her [your child’s] frustration builds to a certain level, your toddler literally loses control.”
3) “If it’s frightening for you to see your toddler possessed by the demon of tantrum, think how she must feel.”

After reading this article I was reminded that my little boy is depending on me to set an example by keeping control of myself — but more importantly to take care of him.

There have been times where I’ve let him down. My results have been inconsistent — sometimes reacting with compassion and patience, other times losing my temper, being gruff and yelling (learn more about the adverse affects of yelling at kids here).

My worst moments happen when I’m tired and overwhelmed, which sounds a lot like how Joss is probably feeling when he’s having his worst moments. If I’m having trouble (and I’m a somewhat mature 40 year old), how hard must it be for him?

Simply put, it does not matter how tired I am, how stressed, etc. I’m supposed to be a grown up. This is my son’s life on the line! These are defining moments that will either help or hinder him for decades to come. This is serious stuff! Yes, kids are resilient. But they’re also sponges, delicate and in need of the tools required for a healthy life.

This is not “oh you’re doing your best, don’t beat yourself up” stuff. This is “you better get your shit together, or you might rob your son of his potential.”

Some may say that I am being too hard on myself, that I should give myself a break. I say that without a constant desire, coupled with taking the necessary actions to improve — how is that my best? My goal is to keep both of my sons’ potential intact, AND help it grow. If the mechanic fixed your car and then it blew up as you drove away, would he be told, “it’s OK, you did your best…” I don’t think so.

Sometimes our best sucks.

And that’s OK as long as we’re willing to do something about it and take responsibility for ourselves.

Switching gears (no car analogy intended):
The more I think about point #1 listed above: “Parents of toddlers need to keep one thing in mind when their child begins to have a tantrum: Your child can not help it,” the more I wonder if it’s completely true that the toddler can not help it. Because sometimes when Joss has a tantrum, I offer a consequence (like taking away a toy, or “no cookie for dessert unless you stop”) — and he stops. Within 5 seconds, he’s done. He can be reasoned with — sometimes.

Is there a tantrum threshold? A point of no return where reason is just too UN-reasonable for my little boy? If so, what am I missing? Because I can’t seem to tell the difference between the tantrum that can be reasoned with vs. the tantrum that has no chance of being reasoned with.

It could be that my limbic system (in the brain) is being “held hostage” by what it is interpreting as beratement, verbal violence, or something to that nature. Come to think of it, beanbag duckies’ ass hitting my face does feel like physical abuse. I find it very hard to detach myself emotionally from the tantrum. It’s like turning a 100-watt stereo up to full power and standing 6″ away from your premium subwoofer. As the beat rattles your bones and prepares to shatter your eardrums, how can one be expected to say, “dude that’s just really loud. It’s OK though, I won’t let it bother me…”

(NOTE: Joss’ tantrums coincided with a cold he was suffering from. Since he’s feeling better and getting more sleep, they’ve subsided — thank the Universe. The correlation is clear between the cold and the tantrums, and that’s something to keep in mind for the future.)

And remember, you are not alone…

blog

February 13, 2009February 14, 2009

The Modern Day Dad Award Goes to David Goldman

This is the first Modern Day Dad Award presented by Daddy Brain.

I was inspired to create this post when I heard the heart-wrenching story of David Goldman, a dad who had been denied seeing his son for over 4 years. It is an unusual story, one which I fear is more common than we might think.

David’s strength, dedication and refusal to give up under extremely difficult circumstances exemplifies what it means to be a modern day dad.

Before you read the article, I’d like to ask a question. What would you do if your wife took your 4-year old son on vacation to her homeland and never came back?

The following is a reprinting (in its entirety) of the Today Show’s online article about David’s crusade…

After bitter 4-year fight, he finally sees his son again

Dad has ‘beautiful’ reunion with boy whose mother abducted him to Brazil

By Mike Celizic, TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 9:41 a.m. CT, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

Choking back tears that had been building up for more than four and a half years, a New Jersey father tried to describe the emotions he felt at finally being able to hold and hug his son and tell the boy how much he loved him.

“It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since his birth. It was incredible. Amazing. I got to see my son,” David Goldman told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira Tuesday by phone from Brazil.

The previous day, accompanied by U.S. Rep. Chris Smith of New Jersey, Goldman had finally reached the end of a nightmare that began in June 2004 when his wife, Bruna, left with their son, Sean, for a two-week trip to visit family in her native Brazil. She never came back.

In all the years since, Goldman had traveled to Brazil numerous times hoping to see his son, but all the contact he was allowed to have consisted of a few brief phone calls.

International dispute
A New Jersey court ruled that Bruna had to return Sean to New Jersey for a custody hearing. But despite international law and treaties between the United States and Brazil that upheld the court ruling, Bruna refused to either return or to give up custody of the boy. Instead, she divorced Goldman in a legal proceeding that violated international law, and married an influential Brazilian attorney.

Then, last August, Bruna died while giving birth to a child by her new husband. After her death, that husband petitioned a Brazilian court to take Goldman’s name off his own son’s birth certificate.

Although the system seemed stacked against him, Goldman never gave up. Finally, with the help of Smith, the New Jersey congressman who accompanied Goldman to Brazil, father and son were reunited for a visit on Monday.

“After all this time I got to see him, walk over to him and hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him and how joyful it was to be with him,” Goldman said.

‘It was beautiful’
He had no idea if Sean would really remember him and how he would greet him, Goldman said.

“I was expecting the worst. And when our arms locked, it wasn’t that way at all. It was beautiful,” he told Vieira, fighting back tears the entire time he spoke.

Sean asked his dad why it took so long to visit him. “That was very painful,” Goldman said. “I saw the anguish on his face.”

What to tell the boy? Goldman was understandably reluctant to tell Sean how his mother first left him and then refused to let him see Sean.

“I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him the absolute truth, so I just said that the courts were making things very difficult,” Goldman said. “I said, ‘Sean, I’ve been here many, many times to try to be with you. The last time I was here I stayed for 10 days and I couldn’t be with you.’ ”

Smith told The Associated Press that Goldman shot baskets and went swimming with Sean during Monday’s visit. Goldman was scheduled to see his son again on Tuesday.

Vieira asked what plans he had for today’s visit.

‘It’s going to happen’

In a later interview with TODAY correspondent Amy Robach, NBC senior legal analyst Susan Filan said that Goldman should eventually regain custody of his son, whose room in Goldman’s Tinton Falls, N.J., home remains as it was the day he left for Brazil with his mother more than four years ago. Filan said that international law and treaties between the United States and Brazil are unequivocal in affirming Goldman’s parental rights.

“You can’t take a kid from one country and hide him another country and say it’s OK,” Filan said. “There’s no question this case should have been decided in a New Jersey court.”

TODAY

In happier times: David Goldman with his son, Sean, and his late wife Bruna.

Filan said she’s looked at the facts from every angle and can conceive of no legal justification or explanation for how the Brazilian courts have acted. According to every law, she said, the man who married Goldman’s wife “has no legal rights to this child whatsoever.”

She added that the change of administrations in Washington and the personal involvement of Rep. Smith have clearly helped Goldman press his case. Public attention given the case should embarrass the Brazilian government into bowing to the dictates of the law, she said.

“Once one government accuses another government of being in violation of a treaty, it’s embarrassing,” she said.

Filan cautioned that it may still take time for Sean to finally come home to live with his father.

“I don’t think it’s going to be as quick as everybody wants, but I think ultimately it’s going to happen,” she said.

Links to The Today Show’s videos:
Today Video Interview #1
Today Video Interview #2

Stories like this that remind me how lucky I am. I am so grateful for my family.

And remember, you are not alone…

February 7, 2009October 3, 2011

Sex and the Daddy, Part 2

In Part 1 of this series, Tyler from Building Camelot kicked off a discussion about relationships and the importance of sexual fulfillment (that men crave) vs. emotional fulfillment (that women crave).

Tyler is a brave man to write about this. I have been wanting to touch upon this topic for months, but have been avoiding it. Alas, now there’s no turning back…

As Tyler points out, “if you both make it a priority and work on fulfilling each others needs at the same time, mutual fulfillment can be achieved. If you value your marriage, neither you nor your spouse can afford to sit around and wait to have your needs met.”

I totally agree. It’s not a question of whose needs should be satisfied first. And the problem isn’t necessarily a lack of desire to satisfy our partners.

The problem, at least for me, is not having the energy to do it.

Do I want to be more supportive? YES. But by the time we’re able to talk, after the kids are in bed, my wife is half in bed herself (to sleep unfortunately), and my brain is mush (hence the title of this blog).

Does my wife want to make love with me more? YES. But the truth is she’s exhausted and currently suffering from diabetes, migraines and a knee problem. My incessant talking about the subject doesn’t help much. Just call me Mr. Romance Killer (but hey, it’s not my fault she’s so cute).

To compound things, most of us husbands find sex to be a stress relief (I know I do). The more stressed I am, the less I’m able to be compassionate. The less I’m compassionate, the less likely my wife is going to feel fulfilled (hence less sex).

The more stressed I feel, the more I seem to obsess on sexual thoughts (bare with me readers, I’m bearing my soul here).

I have trouble differentiating my need for sex with my need to be nurtured. I think that men and women are wired differently, and the male ability to admit to emotional needs is overshadowed by our need for a nice piece of ass. But really, it’s the same thing we want, there’s just different ways of getting there.

And I wonder how much of that difference is imposed on us by society.

I’m from NY, where every street corner used to have a little candy stand with rows magazines depicting half-naked women on them. What is that saying to young boys AND to young girls? What have we been taught?

But underneath the top layer, it’s not really about sex. The predominance of sexual thoughts and feelings are merely a coping mechanism. It’s a way to distract myself from what’s really on my mind, like:

– My wife’s health. She’s got diabetes and she struggles with her weight. I’m afraid of losing her.

– I miss my kids all day, 5 days a week. I shouldn’t complain, I get to go home to them every night. But I miss them, and I’m missing out on their lives. They’re only going to be this age once. Sometimes I feel like a bystander.

I get so aggravated with myself about these thoughts, which expends energy. I’m walking around thinking about sex. I’m not being true to myself, I’m not taking a moment to center myself in a meditative moment. I’m harping on something that merely frustrates me even more!

I am dedicated to my wife and my boys. It’s one thing to fantasize, but having sex with anybody other than my wife would go against everything I stand for as a man, a husband and a father. When dads cheat, they don’t just cheat on their wives, they’re cheating on the whole family – and in doing so the foundation of the family is shattered.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my wife and I are never intimate. For a couple with two kids, we somehow occasionally find the energy. Of course, then we pass out immediately, unless of course one of the kid’s SEX RADAR goes off. That’s always fun.

Has this happened to you? It’s 2 am. You’re both awake. Somehow, someway you both feel inclined to be intimate. It’s wonderful! Until one of the kiddies waltzes into the pitch black room (thank God it’s dark) and wants you to refill his Sigg bottle or wipe his butt after he poops!

Aggggggggggggggggggg!

Geeze dude, couldn’t you wait like 20 more minutes to poop?

The question is, where did this thought process come from? When & why has this become a coping mechanism for me? And such a strong one?

And does it really matter? If I’m not acting on it, is it so bad? Well, if it’s causing me emotional pain then yes.

And remember, you are not alone…

blog

January 31, 2009March 27, 2009

Divorced Dad: An Interview with Derek, Part 2

divorce1 Welcome back to my interview with Derek, a divorced dad of two.

Click here to read Part 1 if you missed it.

DB: What is it like trying to have a relationship? How much more difficult is it now that you have kids?

Derek: Having a relationship is much more difficult with kids involved. First of all the person that you are dating isn’t really your number one person in your life, your kids are.

If I would have a date planned or the kids have something going on that I want to be at, say a school event, the woman I am dating takes a back seat to them. Of course if the relationship was progressed to a level where the kids have met her and feel comfortable, then she would get an invite to come with me to the event.

So if I choose to be in a relationship then the woman first of all needs to enjoy kids in general and can’t be to needy or jealous of the time that I spend with my children, without her. When I decided to have a relationship after my divorce, I wanted to fined a woman that loved kids — that either had her own kids, or was willing to get to know my kids.

So before anything else I need to know those things otherwise it isn’t going to work. My schedule revolves around my kids, then my girlfriend which makes it hard to have a relationship at times. So planning things can get hard at times especially if it’s spur of the moments things. It also helps to date someone that is in the same stage of life as you are, mainly because they will have friends that will have kids usually around the same age.

DB: Your significant other also has a child. It seems like planning a life together is exponentially more difficult and complicated. How do you do it? Do you have any advice for other divorced dads?

Derek: Right now my girlfriend and I have not done anything together with our kids. So when I have my kids and she has hers we do our own thing. We are currently planning to start doing things together so I would probably be able to answer that question better then.

DB: What is the hardest part of being divorced?

Derek: I would say finances have been the hardest part to manage. With all the money you have to pay the lawyers and your ex spouse it really makes things hard to be able to afford to do certain things. But I would say that is the most stressful, and I will see better days as time goes on.

The hardest part for me is not seeing my kids enough — every other weekend during the school year is not enough! I travel on my non-weekends to see them but it’s a lot of running around on my part, which is very tiresome.

DB: What is the easiest?

Derek: Is there an easy part of being a parent? Regardless if you are married or not? I would say no, but the most enjoyable part is the time I have with them, even if it is not enough.

DB: If you could have the children full time, would you do it?

Derek: Without a doubt I would have my kid’s full time. No question asked.

DB: Do you feel you are still making a substantial impact on your kids lives? Or is your influence undermined by your ex?

Derek: Well to be honest with you I do feel as if I am making in substantial impact on their lives. But I do feel that my ex in some way will always undermine me. It’s really hard because if I don’t ask what is going on with them at her house I will never know. I have been the one to communicate issues that we need to work on with them in both households but she seems to not really think they are big enough issues to concern her.

She always thinks she has the upper hand in everything when it comes to the kids’ issues and what’s best for them.

– – – –

I’d like to thank Derek for sharing, and you for reading.

If you have a story or situation you’d like to share, let me know.

And remeber, you are not alone…

January 29, 2009July 16, 2009

Divorced Dad: An Interview with Derek

divorce1 One of the main goals of Daddy Brain is to help build community with other dads. Part of this process includes giving dads who don’t have a blog the chance to be heard. It’s always a great honor when a dad agrees to carve out some time in his schedule to share his story with us.

Derek and I have known each other for about two years now, and over the past year or so we’ve become pretty good friends. He’s a divorced dad with two kids (5 & 7 years old), and he’s been divorced since June of 2007. Derek has been kind enough to answer some questions about being a modern day divorced dad. This is his story…

Daddy Brain: Can you describe to me what it was like after you and your ex-wife decided to get divorced?

Derek: It was a relief for me mentally to finally have made the decision…well at that point it was a mutual decision. Every week was different as far as the emotions that I went through, and I second-guessed it all. I wondered if I could do everything on my own and be a good dad.

We set up a schedule for the kids to come see me, every other weekend. The first couple of months, when I would pick up the kids, my ex wife was very angry with me — sometimes yelling or saying certain things about the situation. Of course this made the kids (2 and 4) upset and made for some long rides home by myself with them.

But I stuck with it, almost having to prove to her that I was serious about things and that this was the way it was going to be. I wasn’t going to give in. I made the best of the situation, knowing that someday all of this was going to be well worth it for everyone.

DB: What transpired with the kids? How did you explain what was happening to them? How did your ex-wife handle it?

Derek: The first couple months I traveled up to where they had move to with their Mom, 2 ½ hours away. I decided that they needed to start coming to my place so we set up a schedule and a half way-meeting place for the drop off.

It didn’t go over well with my ex wife but about four months later things were very routine. She handled it awful at first, being very rude with me, making me feel guilty about everything I had done, but over time it got better.

My daughter, 2 1/2 at the time didn’t understand any of it, which I thought was good. But my son understood it all, and asked a lot of questions — but seemed to accept it.

I explained that mommy and daddy loved them both very much but we just couldn’t live in the same house together anymore. I don’t know if he got what I was telling him or not…or if it was the right thing to say, but looking at both my kids now I’m certain that they know mommy and daddy love them a lot despite the fact that we don’t live together.

DB: Do you think you got a raw deal with the divorce proceedings because you’re a man? I have another friend that’s divorced, and he has told me that he felt taken advantage of — both by the system, and his own lawyer!

Derek: My divorce went on forever! One and a half years later I sat in the court room listening to some bullhead judge tell me what was going to happen from here on out…I had 3 different lawyers throughout the whole process because no one would work with me to go after what I wanted for custody for my kids.

The whole process was unfair and so twisted that it makes me sick to think about it right now! Basically my lawyer did as little as he had too to help me because he knew that the judge wouldn’t go for anything I wanted.

My lawyer told me that to my face and told me that no matter what lawyer I would get it would make no difference.

I fought everyday to try to make 50/50 custody work but in the end I got what most dad’s get: an every other weekend schedule, paying an ass-load of child support, and giving her half of your retirement.

Every case isn’t the same. But some dads deserve more than the “standard ruling” (which some fathers seem just fine with) of being an every other weekend dad!

In the end I figured out, piecing things together that were said from my lawyer and my ex wife, that I was a little puppet from the start and they had all been working together to get this case off their desk and put money in their pockets.

DB: Do you feel that you’re treated differently (by teachers, coworkers, whomever) when it comes to your kids? Are you updated by the kids’ schools?

Derek: Well, I feel that some people are going to have their stereotypes about divorced families in general and there is no changing that.

For instance, one of my daughters pre-school teachers had an ugly divorce 20 years ago; she was also good friends with my ex wife’s mother. She would never talk or make eye contact with me. I thought it was unprofessional but what was I going to do about the way that she felt? Nothing. I know that sometimes people will treat me differently but I know what kind of dad I am.

– – – –

I’d like to thank Derek for sharing, and you for reading. Click the link below if you’d like to read Part 2 of this interview.

And remember, you are not alone…

January 25, 2009January 25, 2009

Finally! Palmer Candy Company Responds to My Letter

If you’re just joining this series, it began with: Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie.

This was followed by a letter to the Palmer Candy Company regarding the harmful ingredients they put in their products —specifically Partially Hydrogenated Oils (PHOs).

Most recently (after Palmer failed to respond in a timely manner) I took the liberty of rewriting their “Quality Pledge” in The Palmer Candy Company Doesn’t Care About Your Kids.

The other day, I did finally receive the following response:

“Dear Joey:

Thank you for expressing interest in Palmer products and your disappointment that we use Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (Palm Kernel).

First of all, let us assure you Palmer is very concerned about our consumers. It is our corporate policy is to produce candy novelties that are not only attractive but designed to delight the hearts of consumers during the holidays.

A fat is required in order to hold the solids together in our products and to melt in your mouth combining the flavors of the other ingredients. Since our products must be shipped, stored and eaten in a solid state, that fat must be one that is solid at room temperature and slightly above. Generally, partially hydrogenated fats provide both the stability and performance that is needed.

The category ‘partially hydrogenated,’ covers oils which are barely hydrogenated all the way to ones almost fully hydrogenated. We select oils which are as least hydrogenated as possible, yet provide the characteristics necessary to maintain the qualities in our products that our customers both expect and deserve.

We continue to look for and test alternative oils, in order to further reduce hydrogenization in our oils.

We at R.M. Palmer care about our consumers and it will continue to be our pledge to provide you with wholesome products.

Again, thank you for writing and we hope you will seek our delicious Palmer quality products in the future.

Sincerely,

R. M. PALMER COMPANY”

– – – –

Although I want you to reach your own conclusion about the response I received, I can’t keep these burning questions to myself:

If other companies, some of which are chocolate companies that require the same “performance qualities” mentioned above, have found healthier ingredients to replace PHOs, why hasn’t Palmer?

Am I supposed to feel better because they use oils with lower amounts of PHOs? If there’s only a little poison in their candy?

If someone told you that feeding your kids a cup of Comet could kill them, would feeding them a teaspoon a week be acceptable?

And remember, you are not alone…