Category: dads

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Dads are Not Second-class Parents, Part 3: A Divorced Dad’s Perspective

A Divorced Dad’s Perepective is written by by guest blogger Derek, dad of two.

 

Derek is a very involved dad who puts his kids first. He is constantly looking for ways to become a better dad and a better man. The story he relates here is one of many instances where the school system has treated him like a second-class parent…

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Without getting too detailed about my situation, I must say that as being a divorced dad I feel I have been treated like a second-class parent many times.

 

I’m a very involved, hands on dad — from changing diapers when my kids were little, to potty training them, to reading them books at night.

 

I believe that there shouldn’t be labels put on tasks when raising your kids, such as “mom’s always cook dinner, unless of course it’s easy mac (and cheese) or dad’s putting something on the grill.” Or doing laundry and grocery shopping to name a few.

 

These were things that growing up my mom would do, and rarely if ever I saw my dad do. He was in charge of the man things around the house and did a good job at that but I believe those times have changed.

 

On my own now being divorced I am forced to “do it all” and doing great with it all. I honestly have most things under control. I always know what my kids schedule is for school and extracurricular actives, I decorate their rooms and make sure sheets are clean, make sure that we all are eating healthy and not taking them to Mickey D’s all the time!

 

And I would be this way even if I were married. It’s called being a parent!

 

What is hard for me is dealing with how the system or people in our society make us dad’s feel as if we should just be a “traditional” dad and not a parent and modern dad.

 

Recently, I called my son’s school and asked if I could have some info about his hot lunch monthly billing (for the last couple months). No big deal right?

 

The first question the lady asks is “now you and your son’s mother are divorced right? And she has primary custody right?”

 

At first I felt like asking: “am I speaking with my lawyer’s office?” I thought better of it! I answered her and she continued talking about how she’d see if see could get that info to me.

 

She could see??? See what? She doesn’t know if I pay for the hot lunch bill or if it’s my son’s mother who pays. She was not telling me what I needed to know. She told me that she would mail me the info…well that was 3 weeks ago and I have not received a thing.

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Want to share your own Second-class Parent story? Submit it as a comment and I’ll be happy to highlight you on my blog. Click the widget on the right-side tool bar (near the top) for more info.

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And remember, you are not alone…

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Additional Dads are Not Second-class Parents Articles:
– Part 1
– Part 2: And Then There’s Dad
– Part 4: Dads Need Help Too
– Part 5: Perceptions & Paradigms
– A Question for Dads: Have You Been Treated Like a Second-class Parent?
– Where’s the Dad in Toy Story

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My letter to Palmer (America’s Favorite Holiday Candy)

This is the follow-up letter I sent to Palmerâ after I posted Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie:

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Dear Palmer:

 

I am the father of two and a daddy blogger.

 

Your Quality Pledge on your products states: “We use only the finest ingredients and are proud of all our products. If you are not satisfied, please let us know and we will make it right.”

 

Your company uses Partially Hydrogenated Oils in your products – marketed to kids! This ingredient has been banned in Europe and many states have made it illegal to use in restaurants. So the question is, how is this a quality ingredient? It’s junk and it’s hazardous to peoples’ health. How can you be proud of putting this in your products, especially considering children are the main consumers.

 

You say in your quality pledge that if a customer has a problem, you will make it right. Are you willing to take this out of your foods?

 

Thank you for your time.

 

Peace,

Joey

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I’ll report back with their response.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie

This statement was on the back of a Palmerâ “Double Crisp” Chocolate Holiday Candy package I unwrapped for my kids today. Palmer is a large, popular holiday candy provider based in Pennsylvania.

Keep in mind, this story could be true of any food manufacturer (unless they’re USDA Organic). So checking the ingredients on the label is really important to the long term health of your kids (and you). 

The Palmerâ Quality Pledge
“For Over 50 years, Palmer has been a national brand making candy for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter and Halloween. We use only the finest ingredients and are proud of all our products. If you are not satisfied, please let us know and we will make it right. We would also enjoy hearing from you for any other reason. Visit us at: www.rmpalmer.com”

After reading this, I thought to myself, “that’s nice.” Then I read the ingredients.

First was sugar, of the bleached/refined variety. Second was Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (PHO) which is really bad stuff (click here for details).

Cocoa, obviously a key ingredient in making chocolate, was the 6th (just behind crisped rice). The Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (PHO) was probably used to help crisp the rice, thicken the candy and achieve a richer taste.

It’s also cheap, and it helps the product have a shelf life of infinity. That’s why hundreds (possibly thousands) of companies put it in their food. Here’s a link to 6 Rules To Avoid Eating Bad Fats, by Ban Trans Fats.com 

Since PHOs are Trans Fats, how can this company claim that they are using the “finest ingredients?” This crap is bad for our kids! It’s been banned in Europe, and many states have made it illegal to use in restaurants.

Here’s a quote from my previous post about PHO’s explaining why they’re so bad:
“They cause cancer, diabetes, heart disease, multiple sclerosis and allergies that can cause arthritis. It also disables your body from properly absorbing good essential fatty acids (necessary to sustain healthy life) found largely in polyunsaturated oils. Instead of being absorbed and providing your body with what it needs to function properly, the essential fatty acids are eventually stored as fat cells, causing you to gain weight.”

You know what? I’m going to e-mail Palmer and see what they have to say. Let’s see if they keep their promise to “make it right,” because I’m not satisfied.

If we all did this with companies like Kellogs, Post, all non-organic bread companies and Pilsbury, maybe they’d finally make a change. If we stop buying their products, what choice do they have? I guess they could just think up some new lies, or some new names for trans fats (like mono-and-dyglicerides or shortening).

Even though these ingredients are listed on the label, more often than not the Nutrition Facts section of the package states “Trans Fat Og.”

And remember, you are not alone…

Related Links:
– Ban Trans Fats
– What’s Wrong with Partially Hydrogenated Oils?
– The latest U.S. health safety distraction ploy: Blame China!
– Recovery Medicine

Related posts:
Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes For Better Health

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The Four H’s of Self Destruction: Have You Fallen Into The Trap?

I’m tired. All the time. And I’m ashamed of myself that I have not been able to overcome it. Quite simply, I have not been accomplishing what I’d like to in my life — specifically when it comes to my blog and the “bigger” plans I have for it.

People struggle with so much more than I do on a daily basis. I feel like a weakling, a 40-year old dude from NY who can’t get his shit together. I’m doing my best, but it never feels good enough.

I’m dedicated to my kids and my wife. They come first, and that’s how I like it. But somewhere along the way I have lost my balance. Being dedicated to my family should not mean sacrificing all of oneself. But in my mind, in a twisted subconcious way, it seems I have done just that — sacrificed my professional happiness in order to be a better dad and husband.

But nobody asked me to.

I just feel there’s just not enough time in the day to get it all done (or so it appears at first glance). And after working long hours 5-days a week, how can I take more time away from my family?

The result is a crabby, edgy, non-satisfied dad who feels unfulfilled in the career department. Since I have no plans of putting my kids or wife anywhere but in the number one position, I need to find another way to make time for myself. Time where I have enough energy and cognitive process to work on Fulfilling Career Stuff (FCS).

Although the term does sound a bit funny, I think just about any parent can understand where I’m coming from.

So I took a closer look at my situation, how I spend my time.

I realized (for the umpteenth time) that there is a small window of opportunity after the kids go the bed for me to be productive and work on my FCS. About 2 hours before I pass out (only to wake up with keyboard face).

So why do I play Internet poker instead of working on my blog, my idea for a TV show or my book? Why aren’t I working MORE on making Daddy Brain a bigger deal, one that can potentially support my family? This is what I THINK & SAY my goal is, so why aren’t I taking ACTION on it?

When the night rolls around, I WANT A BREAK. But then all day long, I WANT CHANGE. I’m getting stuck in wants, and when that happens I find myself lacking the very things I desire. I’m basically stuck in resistance.

Is part of it self sabotage? Maybe, but it think the problem is more complex than that.

It begins with being exhausted. And when I’m this tired I become captured by the Four H’s of Self Destruction: Hobby becomes Habit becomes Harmful becomes Hated.

Bear with me while I explain because this is a dilemma I think most people struggle with. One that traps us in a particular state of mind that makes us incapeable of accomplishing that which is so important to us.

Hobby
Many of us have hobbies, things that are fun, bring us joy, help us relax and so on. Technically speaking, hobbies are harmless as long as they remain hobbies. But sometimes something happens to these harmless things — they change and become…

Habit
Let’s take my Internet poker playing as an example. At one point playing Internet poker was just a hobby. But somewhere along the way it became a coping mechanism. It became something that, as the day wore on, I would feel more and more of a compulsion to do.

Don’t worry, I’ve made money and I’m not broke from it. But it has robbed more hours from my life than I can count. Just an hour or two a night, but the hours add up. Put together, these same hours could have resulted in a book, dozens of blog posts or a spec script for the TV show I’m developing. It could have also been dedicated to some extra sleep which would keep me in a better state of mind (making it easier to avoid the Four H’s of Self Destruction).

Another example: a casual drinker who has two or three beers a week. This turns to a six pack a week. Then multiple beers a night until this casual drinker (hobby) has a drinking problem (habit). It could be any hobby that mercilessly grasps you — sex, drugs, TV, reading, puzzles, exercise, naps, crosswords… the list is endless.

Harmful
Now your little hobby has turned into a monster. It negatively affects your life, your relationships, your work — whatever. And since it’s no longer a hobby, but a habit, it is very difficult to stop.

Hated
Sometimes we hate the habit, sometimes we hate ourselves for having the habit. Often, people just feel unhappy and unfulfilled and don’t allow themselves to go any further. Let’s face it: turning a hobby into a habit is a great way to hinder ourselves. For many it is a path to self destruction.

In the following weeks, I plan on diving deeper into each of the for H’s. I hope you’ll stick around to read them, and more importantly to share your opinion so we can all become happier, more fulfilled human beings.

A clear indication of whether I’m figuring this out or not will be the amount of blog posts I am able to complete. And the amount of poker I am able to avoid.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
The Four H’s of Self Destruction: When Hobby Becomes Habit
 

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Give Your Kids One of the Greatest Gifts of All: Their Own Voice

This holiday season, many of us are facing tough economic times. With little or no “spending” money for holiday gifts, what’s a dad (or mom) to do?

Fortunately, you can give your kids one of the greatest gifts of all. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it lasts a lifetime. And its positive effects are immeasurable.

You don’t even have to wait for Christmas! You can give this gift on a daily basis (hopefully many of you already do)…

Give your kids one of the greatest gifts in the world: their own voice.

No, I’m not talking about a lovely singing voice. I’m talking about something far more important. Every time our kids’ share a thought, opinion or feeling with us, it’s a moment filled with potential — the potential to support their voice or to undermine it. If we’re able listen, we show them respect — acknowledging that what they say (and who they are) is important.

This gift is as simple (and as difficult) as taking the time to really listen to what our children have to say. They might be telling us something that seems completely trivial, insignificant and unimportant. But it’s important to them. If we disregard what they’re expressing to us as unimportant (either verbally or non-verbally), what are we really saying to them? The situation becomes ripe for feelings of rejection and disapproval.

This is not to say that we always need to agree with our kids. It means that we need to hear them out. Not when they reach a certain age, but now.

I firmly believe that honoring our children as human beings is one of the major ways we can help them fulfill their potential in life. I do not want my boys to become “cookie-cutter kids” that fall onto the conveyor belt of life. My job is to support, nurture & love them for who they truly are, and do my part in giving them the tools to discover just who that really is.

Just because someone’s little, doesn’t mean his or her opinion is any less significant than ours. We all deserve the right to be heard. Kids deserve the same basic human rights as us.

Like it or not, we are the ones who play the largest part (at least while they’re little) in bestowing these rights upon them. In doing so we’re shaping our kids’ sense of self worth & self esteem. We are responsible for making sure they don’t grow up to be directionless, opinionless lost adults who are always seeking approval from others because they lack it for themselves.

If we teach them to believe in themselves now, empower our little buggers and let them know they are worthwhile people, I’m hoping this will make them more resilient to the unyielding grind of life. Hey, maybe it won’t even feel like a grind if we do our job right.

Our children are superstars. It’s our business to help them shine.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Easy Decorating Tips for the Holidays

There’s a new trend in holiday decorating, well at least there could be if we start it now.

It will leave us all with extra time on our hands. And it just might save us money, too.

It involves using items found around your house, specifically on your floors and rugs — and the result is holiday bliss!

Tired of asking your kids to clean up after themselves? Then use their messes as holiday decoration.

Crumbs on the floor from that cracker snack? No problem. Call them Christmas Crummies and be done with it.

Toys scattered everywhere? Stick some hooks through them, hang ’em on the tree and call them ornaments! 

Who needs tinsel when you can decorate your tree, and your foyer floor with all types of shiny recyclables like tin cans and plastic blister packs with ultra-sharp edges? Now there’s a lesson in merchandising & safety, too!

The great thing about this new holiday craze is that you can practice just about all year round. 

Starting around Labor Day (September) is the best. Start off your decorating by letting those beer cans and chicken bones pile up (from the BBQ). If anybody asks, you just tell them its part of your Labor Day decoration. At first, they may look at you funny, but then the next thing you know they’ll be copying you like a Xerox machine.

For Halloween, simply add some orange junk to spruce up and transform your Labor Day decoration into the picturesque Halloween motif. By mid October, the chicken remnants you left lying around should have turned at least partially green with mold. The insects you’ve attracted add a creepy crawly touch that brings the whole look together. 

Now you might be wondering, how can I top that??

Simple. Let the kids make Thanksgiving dinner. A month early. Let them make it on the living room rug, with extra gravy and chunky cranberry sauce. You can use the leftover Labor Day chicken to make bullion for the turkey. Include the bugs in the stuffing to add a bit of crunch and extra protein. Again, easy decorating that the whole family can enjoy.

Best of all, on Christmas Eve tell the kids they need to clean the entire house or Santa’s bringing NOTHING!

You’ve just saved yourself 4-months of cleaning time and your home will be spotless for the New Year.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Today is My Birthday

Today, December 20th, is indeed my birthday.

I am now 40.

I am a lucky man. I receive the greatest gift of all every single day of the year — the gift of my family.

I am so grateful for my boys, my wife and yes my cat, too. Thank you Universe for this gift.

im001553 

My goal this year (and for decades to come) is to live in appreciation.

Thanks to all my readers for making this past year of blogging such a success. It has truly changed my life.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Join Daddy Brain on the Radio!

Join me today @ 5pm (CST) on Wisconsin Public Radio, for an hour-long discussion on giving your kids one of the greatest gifts of all. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it lasts a lifetime. What is it? Their own voice. 

You can listen in from anywhere in the world by clicking here and adding Wisconsin Public Radio’s Ideas Network to your iTunes, Windows Media Player or RealPlayer. It takes about 30 seconds to download the station. Then, just double click the icon on your desktop to automatically add to your playlist.

The show gives listeners opportunity to call in, be heard and be part of the conversation. Just dial (800) 486-8655.

If you’re local to Wisconsin, you can also listen in on any of the following stations:

– WHA-AM 970 Madison
– WERN-FM 88.7 Madison
– KUWS-FM 91.3 Superior
– WHRM-FM 90.9 Wausau
– WHAD-FM 90.7 Delafield/Milwaukee
– WPNE-FM 89.3 Green Bay
– WLSU-FM 88.9 La Crosse

I hope you get a chance to tune in!

And remember, you are not alone…

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Great Gift Ideas: Give Your Kids Your Guts

Alright, I’m not speaking literally about your actual guts. Or am I?

Your kids may not agree with you, but it’s not about the toys you buy.

It’s not about what you do with the kids, how much money you spend or where you go. It’s about the quality of the time you spend together — being present and embracing the gift of each moment — even when it might seem mundane on the surface.

It’s about giving them your love, your attention and your respect.

But it’s more than that — it goes beyond words or individual pieces of yourself. It’s giving them your “guts.” And it takes guts to be open enough to give your guts. To lay it all on the table, so to speak.

Your legacy as a dad, the positive impact you make on your children’s lives, has little to do with things like presents, fancy vacations, the size of your TV and other possessions or “outward” things. These are trivial, they’re just things.

What’s important is who you are as a dad, and the improvements you make within your self along the way — how you “upgrade.”

When all is said and done, when your kids are your age, they might vaguely remember the X-Box 360-Version2-Millennium-Titanium-Edition, and how cool the games were. But if we do it right, they’ll look back and clearly remember that we took more than good care of them. They’ll remember that we empowered them. They’ll realize that some of those times we denied them something (like a toy — NEVER deny hugs or love), or held them responsible for their actions, we actually gave them something far greater in return.

And if we do our job really, really right — they’ll be better (and happier) human beings for it.

And remember, you are not alone…