Category: exhaustion

Posted on

The Modern Day Dad Award Goes to David Goldman

This is the first Modern Day Dad Award presented by Daddy Brain.

I was inspired to create this post when I heard the heart-wrenching story of David Goldman, a dad who had been denied seeing his son for over 4 years. It is an unusual story, one which I fear is more common than we might think.

David’s strength, dedication and refusal to give up under extremely difficult circumstances exemplifies what it means to be a modern day dad. 

Before you read the article, I’d like to ask a question. What would you do if your wife took your 4-year old son on vacation to her homeland and never came back?

The following is a reprinting (in its entirety) of the Today Show’s online article about David’s crusade…

After bitter 4-year fight, he finally sees his son again

Dad has ‘beautiful’ reunion with boy whose mother abducted him to Brazil

By Mike Celizic, TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 9:41 a.m. CT, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

Choking back tears that had been building up for more than four and a half years, a New Jersey father tried to describe the emotions he felt at finally being able to hold and hug his son and tell the boy how much he loved him.

“It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since his birth. It was incredible. Amazing. I got to see my son,” David Goldman told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira Tuesday by phone from Brazil.

The previous day, accompanied by U.S. Rep. Chris Smith of New Jersey, Goldman had finally reached the end of a nightmare that began in June 2004 when his wife, Bruna, left with their son, Sean, for a two-week trip to visit family in her native Brazil. She never came back.

In all the years since, Goldman had traveled to Brazil numerous times hoping to see his son, but all the contact he was allowed to have consisted of a few brief phone calls.

International dispute
A New Jersey court ruled that Bruna had to return Sean to New Jersey for a custody hearing. But despite international law and treaties between the United States and Brazil that upheld the court ruling, Bruna refused to either return or to give up custody of the boy. Instead, she divorced Goldman in a legal proceeding that violated international law, and married an influential Brazilian attorney.

Then, last August, Bruna died while giving birth to a child by her new husband. After her death, that husband petitioned a Brazilian court to take Goldman’s name off his own son’s birth certificate.

Although the system seemed stacked against him, Goldman never gave up. Finally, with the help of Smith, the New Jersey congressman who accompanied Goldman to Brazil, father and son were reunited for a visit on Monday.

“After all this time I got to see him, walk over to him and hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him and how joyful it was to be with him,” Goldman said.

‘It was beautiful’
He had no idea if Sean would really remember him and how he would greet him, Goldman said.

“I was expecting the worst. And when our arms locked, it wasn’t that way at all. It was beautiful,” he told Vieira, fighting back tears the entire time he spoke.

Sean asked his dad why it took so long to visit him. “That was very painful,” Goldman said. “I saw the anguish on his face.”

What to tell the boy? Goldman was understandably reluctant to tell Sean how his mother first left him and then refused to let him see Sean.

“I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him the absolute truth, so I just said that the courts were making things very difficult,” Goldman said. “I said, ‘Sean, I’ve been here many, many times to try to be with you. The last time I was here I stayed for 10 days and I couldn’t be with you.’ ”

Smith told The Associated Press that Goldman shot baskets and went swimming with Sean during Monday’s visit. Goldman was scheduled to see his son again on Tuesday.

Vieira asked what plans he had for today’s visit.

‘It’s going to happen’

In a later interview with TODAY correspondent Amy Robach, NBC senior legal analyst Susan Filan said that Goldman should eventually regain custody of his son, whose room in Goldman’s Tinton Falls, N.J., home remains as it was the day he left for Brazil with his mother more than four years ago. Filan said that international law and treaties between the United States and Brazil are unequivocal in affirming Goldman’s parental rights.

“You can’t take a kid from one country and hide him another country and say it’s OK,” Filan said. “There’s no question this case should have been decided in a New Jersey court.”

TODAY
In happier times: David Goldman with his son, Sean, and his late wife Bruna.

Filan said she’s looked at the facts from every angle and can conceive of no legal justification or explanation for how the Brazilian courts have acted. According to every law, she said, the man who married Goldman’s wife “has no legal rights to this child whatsoever.” 

She added that the change of administrations in Washington and the personal involvement of Rep. Smith have clearly helped Goldman press his case. Public attention given the case should embarrass the Brazilian government into bowing to the dictates of the law, she said.

“Once one government accuses another government of being in violation of a treaty, it’s embarrassing,” she said.

Filan cautioned that it may still take time for Sean to finally come home to live with his father.

“I don’t think it’s going to be as quick as everybody wants, but I think ultimately it’s going to happen,” she said.

Links to The Today Show’s videos:
Today Video Interview #1
Today Video Interview #2

Stories like this that remind me how lucky I am. I am so grateful for my family.

And remember, you are not alone…

Posted on

Sex and the Daddy, Part 2

In Part 1 of this series, Tyler from Building Camelot kicked off a discussion about relationships and the importance of sexual fulfillment (that men crave) vs. emotional fulfillment (that women crave).

Tyler is a brave man to write about this. I have been wanting to touch upon this topic for months, but have been avoiding it. Alas, now there’s no turning back…

As Tyler points out, “if you both make it a priority and work on fulfilling each others needs at the same time, mutual fulfillment can be achieved. If you value your marriage, neither you nor your spouse can afford to sit around and wait to have your needs met.”

I totally agree. It’s not a question of whose needs should be satisfied first. And the problem isn’t necessarily a lack of desire to satisfy our partners.

The problem, at least for me, is not having the energy to do it.

Do I want to be more supportive? YES. But by the time we’re able to talk, after the kids are in bed, my wife is half in bed herself (to sleep unfortunately), and my brain is mush (hence the title of this blog).

Does my wife want to make love with me more? YES. But the truth is she’s exhausted and currently suffering from diabetes, migraines and a knee problem. My incessant talking about the subject doesn’t help much. Just call me Mr. Romance Killer (but hey, it’s not my fault she’s so cute).

To compound things, most of us husbands find sex to be a stress relief (I know I do). The more stressed I am, the less I’m able to be compassionate. The less I’m compassionate, the less likely my wife is going to feel fulfilled  (hence less sex).

The more stressed I feel, the more I seem to obsess on sexual thoughts (bare with me readers, I’m bearing my soul here).

I have trouble differentiating my need for sex with my need to be nurtured. I think that men and women are wired differently, and the male ability to admit to emotional needs is overshadowed by our need for a nice piece of ass.  But really, it’s the same thing we want, there’s just different ways of getting there.

And I wonder how much of that difference is imposed on us by society.

I’m from NY, where every street corner used to have a little candy stand with rows magazines depicting half-naked women on them. What is that saying to young boys AND to young girls? What have we been taught?

But underneath the top layer, it’s not really about sex. The predominance of sexual thoughts and feelings are merely a coping mechanism. It’s a way to distract myself from what’s really on my mind, like:

– My wife’s health. She’s got diabetes and she struggles with her weight. I’m afraid of losing her.

– I miss my kids all day, 5 days a week. I shouldn’t complain, I get to go home to them every night. But I miss them, and I’m missing out on their lives. They’re only going to be this age once. Sometimes I feel like a bystander.

I get so aggravated with myself about these thoughts, which expends energy. I’m walking around thinking about sex. I’m not being true to myself, I’m not taking a moment to center myself in a meditative moment. I’m harping on something that merely frustrates me even more!

I am dedicated to my wife and my boys. It’s one thing to fantasize, but having sex with anybody other than my wife would go against everything I stand for as a man, a husband and a father. When dads cheat, they don’t just cheat on their wives, they’re cheating on the whole family – and in doing so the foundation of the family is shattered.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my wife and I are never intimate. For a couple with two kids, we somehow occasionally find the energy. Of course, then we pass out immediately, unless of course one of the kid’s SEX RADAR goes off. That’s always fun.

Has this happened to you? It’s 2 am. You’re both awake. Somehow, someway you both feel inclined to be intimate. It’s wonderful! Until one of the kiddies waltzes into the pitch black room (thank God it’s dark) and wants you to refill his Sigg bottle or wipe his butt after he poops!

Aggggggggggggggggggg! 

Geeze dude, couldn’t you wait like 20 more minutes to poop?

The question is, where did this thought process come from? When & why has this become a coping mechanism for me? And such a strong one?

And does it really matter? If I’m not acting on it, is it so bad? Well, if it’s causing me emotional pain then yes.

And remember, you are not alone…

Family Blogs
blog

Posted on

Finally! Palmer Candy Company Responds to My Letter

If you’re just joining this series, it began with: Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie.

This was followed by a letter to the Palmer Candy Company regarding the harmful ingredients they put in their products —specifically Partially Hydrogenated Oils (PHOs).

Most recently (after Palmer failed to respond in a timely manner) I took the liberty of rewriting their “Quality Pledge” in The Palmer Candy Company Doesn’t Care About Your Kids. 

The other day, I did finally receive the following response:

“Dear Joey:

Thank you for expressing interest in Palmer products and your disappointment that we use Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (Palm Kernel).

First of all, let us assure you Palmer is very concerned about our consumers. It is our corporate policy is to produce candy novelties that are not only attractive but designed to delight the hearts of consumers during the holidays.

A fat is required in order to hold the solids together in our products and to melt in your mouth combining the flavors of the other ingredients. Since our products must be shipped, stored and eaten in a solid state, that fat must be one that is solid at room temperature and slightly above. Generally, partially hydrogenated fats provide both the stability and performance that is needed.

The category ‘partially hydrogenated,’ covers oils which are barely hydrogenated all the way to ones almost fully hydrogenated. We select oils which are as least hydrogenated as possible, yet provide the characteristics necessary to maintain the qualities in our products that our customers both expect and deserve.

We continue to look for and test alternative oils, in order to further reduce hydrogenization in our oils.

We at R.M. Palmer care about our consumers and it will continue to be our pledge to provide you with wholesome products.

Again, thank you for writing and we hope you will seek our delicious Palmer quality products in the future.

Sincerely,

R. M. PALMER COMPANY”

– – – –

Although I want you to reach your own conclusion about the response I received, I can’t keep these burning questions to myself:

If other companies, some of which are chocolate companies that require the same  “performance qualities” mentioned above, have found healthier ingredients to replace PHOs, why hasn’t Palmer?

Am I supposed to feel better because they use oils with lower amounts of PHOs? If there’s only a little poison in their candy?

If someone told you that feeding your kids a cup of Comet could kill them, would feeding them a teaspoon a week be acceptable?

And remember, you are not alone…

Related Links:
– Ban Trans Fats
– What’s Wrong with Partially Hydrogenated Oils?
– The latest U.S. health safety distraction ploy: Blame China!
– Recovery Medicine
– 6 Rules To Avoid Eating Bad Fats, by Ban Trans Fats.com

Related posts:
– Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes For Better Health

Posted on

Daddy Brain Classics: Was Buddha a Schmuck?

I’ve been thinking about having a Daddy Brain Classics series for a while now.

Some of the posts I wrote way back in the beginning of Daddy Brain didn’t get too many hits, because not too many people knew the blog existed. Although I always want to provide fresh material, a few of these classic posts deserve a larger audience. So I’m finally jumping off the fence and giving this series a try.

Today I’d like to present one of my favorites — a post that questions Buddha’s decision to abandon his family in order to find enlightenment…

Was Buddha a Schmuck?

And remember, you are not alone…

Posted on

Sex and the Daddy

Tyler over at Building Camelot beat me to it.

He talked about sex, and what he had to say made me realize that I’ve been avoiding this topic for too long.

I’d like to highlight Tyler’s article in its entirety here. It touches on many good points about the dynamics of relationship, which is a great place to start…

What Comes First In Marriage? Sexual Or Emotional Fulfillment?

by TYLER on JANUARY 11, 2009

It’s like the age-old question “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Does sexual fulfillment or emotional fulfillment come first in marriage? I was watching the Today show a few days ago and they were doing a segment on relationship resolutions and how to start off on the right foot for the new year. It was a panel discussion which focused on people who are in either committed or non-committed relationships and what steps they should take in the upcoming year to find happiness. 

When the discussion turned to those who are married, or at least in a committed relationship, one of the guests, Shannon Ethridge, author of The Sexually Confident Wife, said something that has been stuck in my head that I wanted to share and get your opinion. Fast forward to the 3:20 mark to Shannon’s part.

(Link to the msnbc video. Sorry, having trouble  imbedding)

Shannon mentions that at the beginning of each year she evaluates what she needs to do in the upcoming year to inspire her man (she’s been married for 17 years) to meet her emotional needs. I love that she uses the word inspire! It’s certainly a word that’s lost in many marriages these days especially if you have children or you’ve been married for any length of time.

She goes on to clarify that if a woman meets all of her mans sexual needs then he will fall all over himself to meet her emotional needs. I agree with her and here’s my question; does his sexual fulfillment or her emotional fulfillment come first in marriage? Does the wife make sure her husband has all of his sexual needs met first or does the man support his wife emotionally before his own needs?

In a good, healthy marriage I think the answer to the question is simple…it’s both. How can it be both? How can his needs be met at the same time as her needs? If you both make it a priority and work on fulfilling each others needs at the same time, mutual fulfillment can be achieved. If you value your marriage, neither you nor your spouse can afford to sit around and wait to have your needs met.

I doubt that I’m going out on a limb when I say that every man wants a wife who is confident and fulfills his sexual needs. On the flip side, I’m sure the same women want their man to be able to fulfill them emotionally. It’s just as important for men to support their wives emotionally as it is for women to leave their men sexually satisfied.

The one thing that I know I struggle with is recognizing, reacting and inspiring my wife’s emotional needs. I’m always selfishly thinking that she should satisfy my sexual needs first, but we should be working on mutual fulfillment.

What do you think? Drop me a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

– – – –

I hope you’ll take some time to visit Tyler at Building Camelot and read some of his other articles. He certainly has a lot to offer, especially to us dads out there.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
Sex and the Daddy, Part 2

Posted on

Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie

This statement was on the back of a Palmerâ “Double Crisp” Chocolate Holiday Candy package I unwrapped for my kids today. Palmer is a large, popular holiday candy provider based in Pennsylvania.

Keep in mind, this story could be true of any food manufacturer (unless they’re USDA Organic). So checking the ingredients on the label is really important to the long term health of your kids (and you). 

The Palmerâ Quality Pledge
“For Over 50 years, Palmer has been a national brand making candy for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter and Halloween. We use only the finest ingredients and are proud of all our products. If you are not satisfied, please let us know and we will make it right. We would also enjoy hearing from you for any other reason. Visit us at: www.rmpalmer.com”

After reading this, I thought to myself, “that’s nice.” Then I read the ingredients.

First was sugar, of the bleached/refined variety. Second was Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (PHO) which is really bad stuff (click here for details).

Cocoa, obviously a key ingredient in making chocolate, was the 6th (just behind crisped rice). The Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (PHO) was probably used to help crisp the rice, thicken the candy and achieve a richer taste.

It’s also cheap, and it helps the product have a shelf life of infinity. That’s why hundreds (possibly thousands) of companies put it in their food. Here’s a link to 6 Rules To Avoid Eating Bad Fats, by Ban Trans Fats.com 

Since PHOs are Trans Fats, how can this company claim that they are using the “finest ingredients?” This crap is bad for our kids! It’s been banned in Europe, and many states have made it illegal to use in restaurants.

Here’s a quote from my previous post about PHO’s explaining why they’re so bad:
“They cause cancer, diabetes, heart disease, multiple sclerosis and allergies that can cause arthritis. It also disables your body from properly absorbing good essential fatty acids (necessary to sustain healthy life) found largely in polyunsaturated oils. Instead of being absorbed and providing your body with what it needs to function properly, the essential fatty acids are eventually stored as fat cells, causing you to gain weight.”

You know what? I’m going to e-mail Palmer and see what they have to say. Let’s see if they keep their promise to “make it right,” because I’m not satisfied.

If we all did this with companies like Kellogs, Post, all non-organic bread companies and Pilsbury, maybe they’d finally make a change. If we stop buying their products, what choice do they have? I guess they could just think up some new lies, or some new names for trans fats (like mono-and-dyglicerides or shortening).

Even though these ingredients are listed on the label, more often than not the Nutrition Facts section of the package states “Trans Fat Og.”

And remember, you are not alone…

Related Links:
– Ban Trans Fats
– What’s Wrong with Partially Hydrogenated Oils?
– The latest U.S. health safety distraction ploy: Blame China!
– Recovery Medicine

Related posts:
Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes For Better Health

Posted on

The Four H’s of Self Destruction: Have You Fallen Into The Trap?

I’m tired. All the time. And I’m ashamed of myself that I have not been able to overcome it. Quite simply, I have not been accomplishing what I’d like to in my life — specifically when it comes to my blog and the “bigger” plans I have for it.

People struggle with so much more than I do on a daily basis. I feel like a weakling, a 40-year old dude from NY who can’t get his shit together. I’m doing my best, but it never feels good enough.

I’m dedicated to my kids and my wife. They come first, and that’s how I like it. But somewhere along the way I have lost my balance. Being dedicated to my family should not mean sacrificing all of oneself. But in my mind, in a twisted subconcious way, it seems I have done just that — sacrificed my professional happiness in order to be a better dad and husband.

But nobody asked me to.

I just feel there’s just not enough time in the day to get it all done (or so it appears at first glance). And after working long hours 5-days a week, how can I take more time away from my family?

The result is a crabby, edgy, non-satisfied dad who feels unfulfilled in the career department. Since I have no plans of putting my kids or wife anywhere but in the number one position, I need to find another way to make time for myself. Time where I have enough energy and cognitive process to work on Fulfilling Career Stuff (FCS).

Although the term does sound a bit funny, I think just about any parent can understand where I’m coming from.

So I took a closer look at my situation, how I spend my time.

I realized (for the umpteenth time) that there is a small window of opportunity after the kids go the bed for me to be productive and work on my FCS. About 2 hours before I pass out (only to wake up with keyboard face).

So why do I play Internet poker instead of working on my blog, my idea for a TV show or my book? Why aren’t I working MORE on making Daddy Brain a bigger deal, one that can potentially support my family? This is what I THINK & SAY my goal is, so why aren’t I taking ACTION on it?

When the night rolls around, I WANT A BREAK. But then all day long, I WANT CHANGE. I’m getting stuck in wants, and when that happens I find myself lacking the very things I desire. I’m basically stuck in resistance.

Is part of it self sabotage? Maybe, but it think the problem is more complex than that.

It begins with being exhausted. And when I’m this tired I become captured by the Four H’s of Self Destruction: Hobby becomes Habit becomes Harmful becomes Hated.

Bear with me while I explain because this is a dilemma I think most people struggle with. One that traps us in a particular state of mind that makes us incapeable of accomplishing that which is so important to us.

Hobby
Many of us have hobbies, things that are fun, bring us joy, help us relax and so on. Technically speaking, hobbies are harmless as long as they remain hobbies. But sometimes something happens to these harmless things — they change and become…

Habit
Let’s take my Internet poker playing as an example. At one point playing Internet poker was just a hobby. But somewhere along the way it became a coping mechanism. It became something that, as the day wore on, I would feel more and more of a compulsion to do.

Don’t worry, I’ve made money and I’m not broke from it. But it has robbed more hours from my life than I can count. Just an hour or two a night, but the hours add up. Put together, these same hours could have resulted in a book, dozens of blog posts or a spec script for the TV show I’m developing. It could have also been dedicated to some extra sleep which would keep me in a better state of mind (making it easier to avoid the Four H’s of Self Destruction).

Another example: a casual drinker who has two or three beers a week. This turns to a six pack a week. Then multiple beers a night until this casual drinker (hobby) has a drinking problem (habit). It could be any hobby that mercilessly grasps you — sex, drugs, TV, reading, puzzles, exercise, naps, crosswords… the list is endless.

Harmful
Now your little hobby has turned into a monster. It negatively affects your life, your relationships, your work — whatever. And since it’s no longer a hobby, but a habit, it is very difficult to stop.

Hated
Sometimes we hate the habit, sometimes we hate ourselves for having the habit. Often, people just feel unhappy and unfulfilled and don’t allow themselves to go any further. Let’s face it: turning a hobby into a habit is a great way to hinder ourselves. For many it is a path to self destruction.

In the following weeks, I plan on diving deeper into each of the for H’s. I hope you’ll stick around to read them, and more importantly to share your opinion so we can all become happier, more fulfilled human beings.

A clear indication of whether I’m figuring this out or not will be the amount of blog posts I am able to complete. And the amount of poker I am able to avoid.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
The Four H’s of Self Destruction: When Hobby Becomes Habit
 

Posted on

Give Your Kids One of the Greatest Gifts of All: Their Own Voice

This holiday season, many of us are facing tough economic times. With little or no “spending” money for holiday gifts, what’s a dad (or mom) to do?

Fortunately, you can give your kids one of the greatest gifts of all. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it lasts a lifetime. And its positive effects are immeasurable.

You don’t even have to wait for Christmas! You can give this gift on a daily basis (hopefully many of you already do)…

Give your kids one of the greatest gifts in the world: their own voice.

No, I’m not talking about a lovely singing voice. I’m talking about something far more important. Every time our kids’ share a thought, opinion or feeling with us, it’s a moment filled with potential — the potential to support their voice or to undermine it. If we’re able listen, we show them respect — acknowledging that what they say (and who they are) is important.

This gift is as simple (and as difficult) as taking the time to really listen to what our children have to say. They might be telling us something that seems completely trivial, insignificant and unimportant. But it’s important to them. If we disregard what they’re expressing to us as unimportant (either verbally or non-verbally), what are we really saying to them? The situation becomes ripe for feelings of rejection and disapproval.

This is not to say that we always need to agree with our kids. It means that we need to hear them out. Not when they reach a certain age, but now.

I firmly believe that honoring our children as human beings is one of the major ways we can help them fulfill their potential in life. I do not want my boys to become “cookie-cutter kids” that fall onto the conveyor belt of life. My job is to support, nurture & love them for who they truly are, and do my part in giving them the tools to discover just who that really is.

Just because someone’s little, doesn’t mean his or her opinion is any less significant than ours. We all deserve the right to be heard. Kids deserve the same basic human rights as us.

Like it or not, we are the ones who play the largest part (at least while they’re little) in bestowing these rights upon them. In doing so we’re shaping our kids’ sense of self worth & self esteem. We are responsible for making sure they don’t grow up to be directionless, opinionless lost adults who are always seeking approval from others because they lack it for themselves.

If we teach them to believe in themselves now, empower our little buggers and let them know they are worthwhile people, I’m hoping this will make them more resilient to the unyielding grind of life. Hey, maybe it won’t even feel like a grind if we do our job right.

Our children are superstars. It’s our business to help them shine.

And remember, you are not alone…

Posted on

Join Daddy Brain on the Radio!

Join me today @ 5pm (CST) on Wisconsin Public Radio, for an hour-long discussion on giving your kids one of the greatest gifts of all. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it lasts a lifetime. What is it? Their own voice. 

You can listen in from anywhere in the world by clicking here and adding Wisconsin Public Radio’s Ideas Network to your iTunes, Windows Media Player or RealPlayer. It takes about 30 seconds to download the station. Then, just double click the icon on your desktop to automatically add to your playlist.

The show gives listeners opportunity to call in, be heard and be part of the conversation. Just dial (800) 486-8655.

If you’re local to Wisconsin, you can also listen in on any of the following stations:

– WHA-AM 970 Madison
– WERN-FM 88.7 Madison
– KUWS-FM 91.3 Superior
– WHRM-FM 90.9 Wausau
– WHAD-FM 90.7 Delafield/Milwaukee
– WPNE-FM 89.3 Green Bay
– WLSU-FM 88.9 La Crosse

I hope you get a chance to tune in!

And remember, you are not alone…