Tyler over at Building Camelot beat me to it.
He talked about sex, and what he had to say made me realize that I’ve been avoiding this topic for too long.
I’d like to highlight Tyler’s article in its entirety here. It touches on many good points about the dynamics of relationship, which is a great place to start…
What Comes First In Marriage? Sexual Or Emotional Fulfillment?
by on JANUARY 11, 2009
It’s like the age-old question “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Does sexual fulfillment or emotional fulfillment come first in marriage? I was watching the Today show a few days ago and they were doing a segment on relationship resolutions and how to start off on the right foot for the new year. It was a panel discussion which focused on people who are in either committed or non-committed relationships and what steps they should take in the upcoming year to find happiness. When the discussion turned to those who are married, or at least in a committed relationship, one of the guests, Shannon Ethridge, author of The Sexually Confident Wife, said something that has been stuck in my head that I wanted to share and get your opinion. Fast forward to the 3:20 mark to Shannon’s part.
(Link to the msnbc video. Sorry, having trouble imbedding)
Shannon mentions that at the beginning of each year she evaluates what she needs to do in the upcoming year to inspire her man (she’s been married for 17 years) to meet her emotional needs. I love that she uses the word inspire! It’s certainly a word that’s lost in many marriages these days especially if you have children or you’ve been married for any length of time.
She goes on to clarify that if a woman meets all of her mans sexual needs then he will fall all over himself to meet her emotional needs. I agree with her and here’s my question; does his sexual fulfillment or her emotional fulfillment come first in marriage? Does the wife make sure her husband has all of his sexual needs met first or does the man support his wife emotionally before his own needs?
In a good, healthy marriage I think the answer to the question is simple…it’s both. How can it be both? How can his needs be met at the same time as her needs? If you both make it a priority and work on fulfilling each others needs at the same time, mutual fulfillment can be achieved. If you value your marriage, neither you nor your spouse can afford to sit around and wait to have your needs met.
I doubt that I’m going out on a limb when I say that every man wants a wife who is confident and fulfills his sexual needs. On the flip side, I’m sure the same women want their man to be able to fulfill them emotionally. It’s just as important for men to support their wives emotionally as it is for women to leave their men sexually satisfied.
The one thing that I know I struggle with is recognizing, reacting and inspiring my wife’s emotional needs. I’m always selfishly thinking that she should satisfy my sexual needs first, but we should be working on mutual fulfillment.
What do you think? Drop me a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.
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I hope you’ll take some time to visit Tyler at Building Camelot and read some of his other articles. He certainly has a lot to offer, especially to us dads out there.
And remember, you are not alone…
Related links:
Sex and the Daddy, Part 2
Daddy Brain 
I’ve avoided this subject on my blog as well, although aspects of it have been on my mind. Part of me wants to reach out to other dads for advice. Meanwhile, another part of me screams that that aspect of my life is private and shouldn’t be shared with anyone except my wife.
I’m not sure you can ever nail down which comes first per se, but that rather there needs to be attempts for “firsting” on the part of each partner. That is, some times the husband should be making the first moves when things slow down, and other times the wife should be putting in the work. In my experience, one of us will be up if the other is down. And we’ve both had equal time in putting in effort to get the spice going again during the lulls.
@TechyDad: Very true and it was something that I’ve struggled with posting. My wife usually comments about most of my posts but she hasn’t said anything about that one.
I was hoping she’d say a little something, but nothing so far. It doesn’t help that we’re WORN out because of the new baby.
Us down to earth, normal dad bloggers can probably provide each other with a wealth of support. Even if it’s something as simple as “I’m in the same boat” or “my wife and I went through the same thing” can help a great deal.
Just knowing that I’m not the only one out there who’s about to pull his hair our for the lack of sex helps more than you know.
I happened to come across your blog when I did a search for emotional fulfillment in marriage. I’m 30, married 3 yrs and I’m on the flip side of this dilemma. My husband’s sexual needs are met, but my emotional needs are not. I think that I long for a depth of intimacy that can only be attained through talking, and quite frankly, my husband is the strong silent type. He just doesn’t have a whole lot to say. The way that you men probably would love a good roll in the sack is how I would love a good conversation- something other than what’s for dinner, did you feed the dog, etc… It’s maddening for me as it must be for you to want sex and not get it.
@ Girl: I am sorry you are having this problem. Have you tried seeing a counselor with your husband? He might be yearning for the same thing as you, but depending on his upbringing might just not be comfortable opening up. My wife and I talk about everything, but not all men have the capacity to express themselves – especially since we’re conditioned all our lives to be “tough.” I wouldn’t say I’m maddened because of our situation, but I am sometimes frustrated – as is my wife.
Don’t give up. I wish you the best.
babbo