Category: dads

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Dads Are Not Second-class Parents, Part 2: And Then There’s Dad

And Then There’s Dad
by guest blogger Tom @ Being Michael’s Daddy 

While I have not personally been dismissed as a second-class parent simply because I’m a male, I am not at all happy with the common illustration of fathers in the media.

It really bothers me that husbands and fathers are most often portrayed in television commercials as helpless, clueless, bungling goofs.

I did an informal study of television commercials during prime adult viewing hours over the last week, and found that out of thirty-seven commercials featuring husbands or dads, thirty-two of them depicted these men negatively.

Not that they were shown to be bad men, but were shown as a loveable oaf at best, or a slacker and a burden on his wife, or somewhere in between.

There’s the sleeping, stubble-faced doofus in the Windex commercial who gets up and crashes into the plate-glass window that he presumably didn’t clean. Or the doughy, “might as well be another kid” husband in the refrigerator commercial who’s calling out to his wife because he can’t find some critical food item. And then there’s the FluMist nasal spray commercial in which the father bumbles his way through dressing his kids in summer clothes, sending them out in the dead of winter.

This is neither a fair representation of the truth, nor is it an image we want to continue to uphold. Like it or not, life imitates art. This includes television commercials, which are specifically designed to make a lasting impression on people.

What boys see depicted as role models for men, they will come to emulate. What girls see depicted as role models for men, they will come to expect. The cycle is self-sustaining.

Staying on this course, we’ll eventually see a generation in which the men are spineless and pathetic, and the women expect no better from them.

What needs to happen, aside from the TV being switched off, is that men need to pick up the mantle of leadership, integrity, perspicacity, strength and guts and raise their sons likewise. Men need to treat their wives and daughters well, behaving like men.

A man is a leader. A man is strong, determined, decisive and capable. A man can be tender and gentle when he needs to be, but he stands for what is right and protects his own.

He doesn’t have to be a bombastic despot, a slick, lecherous womanizer or a buckskin-wearing mountaineer in order to be a real man. He just needs to have his priorities straight, his resolution firm, and genuine love for his wife and family.

Of course, it’ll be a lot harder for the ad agencies to come up with clever commercials if they can’t pick on the easy target. But they change their tactics to match the market. So let’s make it our goal to change the market.

– – – –

Many thanks to Tom for submitting this article. Click here if you’d like to learn more about the series, submit your own story, or view other dad’s stories.

And remember, you are not alone…

Additional Dads are Not Second-class Parents Articles:
– Part 1
– Part 3: A Divorced Dad’s Perspective
– Part 4: Dads Need Help Too
– Part 5: Perceptions & Paradigms
– A Question for Dads: Have You Been Treated Like a Second-class Parent?
– Where’s the Dad in Toy Story?

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Being Grateful Makes You Full of Greatness…

Thanksgiving week always brings about talk of what we’re thankful for in our lives.

Of course there are the basic answers like family, friends, food, a place to live, indoor toilets and any opportunity to eat massive amounts of pizza from NY.

The other day, as I tried to go beyond my usual list of things I’m grateful for, my thoughts turned into a question…

What are the results of being grateful vs. the results of being ungrateful? What are the different “side effects” or manifestations that occur on a physical, emotional and a cognitive level?

To clarify, when I say “ungrateful” I mean active complaining or ingratitude — in other words being negative.

“What you are thinking about, you are becoming.”
                                                 – Muhammad Ali

When we’re being ungrateful, we’re keeping in mind something that we’re not happy about — something negative, unwanted, bothersome or just plain annoying.

In this state of being, we get stuck in the mucky-muck of negativity. We use our energy dwelling on something we’re unhappy about instead of using that same energy to find solutions. And in doing so we help solidify what we’d really like to change.

When we’re grateful, the outcome is very different. We’re being positive, freeing up & refreshing our energy to move forward instead of holding ourselves back. Sure, there may be things we’re not happy about, but when we’re focusing on something positive, we’re letting go of being negative about something else.

I’m not saying to pretend to be grateful for something that just plain sucks. But why not think about something that doesn’t suck? Why not make a plan to make that particular issue less sucky, instead of just dwelling on it? Are humans so driven to misery that we can’t do this simple thing?

Muhammad Ali said it so beautifully. What we think leads to what we speak. What we speak leads to how we act, and in turn the reality we create.

There was a time when I was so unhappy with my job that I became physically ill and almost died. I was so ungrateful for everything good in my life that my personality became very negative, my soul spiritless. And in turn my body started failing me (I had Crohn’s Disease).

Getting sick turned out to be one the greatest gifts of my life. It woke me up (which was my body’s intention in the first place) and empowered me to make the changes I needed to make.

Although I am aware of the benefits of being grateful, that doesn’t mean I always am. It’s a constant battle to remain mindful about my thoughts (no pun intended).

I’d like to leave off with a question:

Can you allow yourself to be greatness? I’m not talking about ego here, but the greatness that comes with being grateful, positive and true to who you really are.

Anything is possible. The simple choice of being grateful just might change your life.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
– The Road to Nowhere: It’s Not Too Late to Recreate Your Reality
– The Magic Quarter: Creating Your Own Reality
– Anything is Possible
– Out of Energy. Out of Time. Out of Luck?
– Can You Let Go of the Need for Control? The Sedona Method, Part 3

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New York Times Highlights Moms, Dishonors Dads

In today’s New York Times, there is an article nestled into the bottom half of page one that reads:

“To Buy Children’s Gifts, Mothers Do Without”

The article goes on to describe how moms are making sacrifices this holiday season, and how the mom highlighted in the article “will go without the designer jeans she covets this season.”

What about dads, you might ask? Don’t we count? Don’t we sacrifice?

“In this economy, nearly everyone is forgoing indulgences, and many fathers will no doubt sacrifice this year to put toys under the tree. But figures suggest the burden is falling most heavily on women, particularly mothers…”

Let’s take a look at said statistics: women’s apparel was down 18.2% this October compared to last October, while men’s apparel has only decreased 8.3%. Notice these numbers are generalized to men and women, not moms and dads — so technically they are meaningless…

In a survey, “61% of mothers said they would shop less for themselves this year, compared with 56% of all women and 45% of all men.”

All men? Nowhere in the article is there mention of what percentage of DADS said they would shop less for themselves. Apparently dads have been lumped into the “all men” category.

Once again, nobody bothered to ask dad. Of course it’s not really about the numbers, it’s about the lack of equality and respect dads experience. The fact that the survey taken didn’t bother to include dad’s spending trends is just a cheap way to put “mom” on a pedestal. Honestly, I am sick of dads being treated like second class parents (in case you didn’t notice). 

I can tell you that I don’t buy anything for myself anymore. This year I got myself a new winter hat and a scarf for when I shovel the inevitable & immense amounts of snow that will befall the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin.

More importantly, what about the dads & moms who go to work every day, sacrificing time away from their kids? What about the hours upon hours that we miss, that we can never reclaim? I’m sorry, but not being able to buy a pair of “designer jeans” doesn’t come close to what I sacrifice EVERY DAY as a working parent.

Not to mention the parents that sacrifice eating meals so there’s enough food for the kids. And what about the families who can’t even feed their kids three meals a day?

The article quotes the featured mom, Kristen Hunt, as saying “I want her (Kristen’s daughter) to look back and say, ‘even though they were tough times, my mom was still able to give me stuff.'”

What kind of message is this? On the cover of the NY Times no less?

Is giving kids “stuff” really what we want them to remember?

I would prefer that when my kids look back, they remember my spending as much time with them as I possibly could. The gift of my time, my attention and my listening to (and respecting) my children is what is most important — not an X-Box 360 or a Wii that will eventually become a dust collector.

Sure, my wife and I got the kids some “stuff” for Christmas. But it’s not the important stuff, or the stuff of fond memories — its just stuff.

During the holiday season, it certainly is timely to run an article on finances and spending, especially with what our world looks like right now. But if you’re the New York Times, get it right. Do your research and provide appropriate survey numbers for both parents, not just for the ones who don’t have a penis.

The real story here is not about money or toys. It’s about how these tough economic times are the perfect opportunity for parents to share the greatest gift of all with our kids — ourselves. 

And remember, you are not alone…

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A Question For Dads: Have You Been Treated Like a Second-class Parent?

One of my very first posts was called Dads Are Not Second Class Parents. It touched on a topic that does not get much attention: equal rights for dads.

This message has been discussed on At Issue With Ben Merens, a local radio show here in the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin. But that’s not enough. I want to raise awareness beyond the radio waves, beyond local efforts.

My next step is to listen to (or in this case read) and share other dads’ stories — dads like you.

Submitted stories and their authors will be highlighted…
How have you been treated like a second-class parent? Whether it feels like big deal or small inconvenience, your experience is important and needs to be told. Every story approved by the Daddy Brain editor (that’s me) gets its own post, along with a link to the author’s blog or Web site.

I’d love to know why there are so few opportunities for us dads to talk about what we’re feeling and struggling with. We’re not machines. We don’t think only about money and sex (although both of these topics do cross my mind often).

Whether you’re divorced, married, widowed — whatever your story, this is your chance to be heard.

Submit by commenting on this post, or e-mailing me @ joeyguido@juno.com.

Every generation has its movement. We’ve seen women rise above oppression, finally being treated and respected as equals to men. We’ve seen African Americans overcome horrible mistreatment, finding hard-fought equality in the highest position in America — President of the United States (who by the way, seems like a very involved dad).

Don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing the inequality dads face with either of the above-mentioned travesties that plagued our country for decades. But it is a real issue, a real problem — and it deserves attention.

I am on a quest for equal rights for dads (and equal rights for kids, too). We have a right to be treated as equal parents — by our families, our communities and the world.

Will you join me?

And remember, you are not alone…

Additional Dads are Not Second-class Parents Articles:
– Part 1
– Part 2: And Then There’s Dad
– Part 3: A Divorced Dad’s Perspective
– Part 4: Dads Need Help Too
– Part 5: Perceptions & Paradigms
– Where’s the Dad in Toy Story?

Family Blogs
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Daddy Brain Needs Freelance Copywriting Work

My wife was laid off today because the spa she worked at (she’s a massage therapist) closed down. Just like that — no notice, no severance, not even an apology.

So I’m reaching out to my readers, looking for any leads or recommendations for freelance copywriting work (I currently work full time as a senior copywriter at a major catalog company). I need freelance work on nights and weekends so I can help my family through this.

If you happen to need, or know somebody that needs a copywriter with over 12 years experience, could you please let me know? I have worked for years with companies across the country — mostly offsite — assisting with copywriting services, company branding and more. I am available for writing, proofreading and/or editing assignments. I would be happy to provide references upon request.

Please click here to view my resume. You can also visit my Website for writing samples at:

www.penguinscribe.com

Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to provide.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Can You Let Go of Wanting Approval? The Sedona Method, Part 4

The Sedona Method is a powerful & easy-to use program that helped me learn to let go of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors that were holding me back in every aspect of my life — from health, to career, to relationships.

If this is your first look at the series, you might want to check out Part 1 for an overview before you get started. Part 2 focuses on letting go of resistance, while Part 3 is about letting go of the need for control.

This installment takes a look at our need for approval.

Wanting Approval
Have you ever felt the need for approval? From your boss, a loved one, or yourself? Have you ever experienced an instance where there was something you really wanted to accomplish, big or small, but felt you were inadequate to get it done?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you’ve experienced the need for approval. When we’re wanting approval, we’re actually feeling disapproval of ourselves — feeling we’re not good enough, not ready, not qualified, not smart enough, not talented enough, and the list goes on…

When we’re seeking approval, there’s an underlying feeling of lacking it. When this happens, “we act in ways designed to help us get it, while all the time sabotaging actually getting it. We are focused on ourselves, and we feel self-conscious.

We become overly concerned with what people think of us. We may say “yes” when we mean “no.” We may allow others to give us the runaround or control us in order to get them to like us. We may take on too much responsibility or not delegate tasks, because we think it will make us more popular.

You can recognize wanting approval, because it feels soft and exposed and also like: “gimme,” or “do-it-for-me.” When we want approval, we feel like we don’t have love and that we need to do something to get it back. Synonyms for wanting approval include wanting love, acceptance, admiration, caring, to be understood, nurtured, liked, among others.

As we let go of wanting approval, we will feel more loving and caring, more loved and accepted.”

— Hale Dwoskin,
CEO and Director of Training of Sedona Training Associates

Lately, I’ve been working on letting go of my need for approval concerning Daddy Brain. I have many plans for this blog — from a book, to workshops with dads, to a film or TV show. But I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy that have been holding me back — literally stopping me from attaining that which is within my reach.

Here’s an exercise that will give you an idea of what it’s like to let go of the need for approval. You may find it hard to do, or you may find it easy. Either way, it’s OK just the way it is. Remember this is only one “slice” of the program. There’s much, much more to it than I am able to explain here.

And remember, it’s OK to take each step as slowly as you need to…

Take a deep breath and focus inside.

Think of a situation where you wanted approval from a specific person or from yourself.

Could you welcome that sense of wanting approval, just for a moment?

Notice what it feels like to want approval.

Could you let it go?

If you repeat this process a few times, I think you’ll find that at least some of your need for approval has been lifted (if it hasn’t already). Remember, this is only a small part of what the Sedona Method has to offer.

The next installment will focus on letting go of wanting security/survival. In the meantime if you’d like to learn more, or try the CD program risk free, click here. You can also purchase the Sedona Method book, available at Amazon.com and fine bookstores everywhere.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related Links:
Part 5 looks at letting go of the need for security/survival

Family Blogs
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Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of October

Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of October 2008

 

Welcome to what is supposed to be this month’s installment of Tops in Pops. Unfortunately, at least for the immediate future, Tops in Pops is on hold.

Frankly, I have not been receiving enough nominations to sustain the series, and I have not had the time to seek out great posts myself.

Thanks to all involved over the past few months. Although I’m disappointed that the series did not take off, I am grateful for the wonderful submissions I did receive. I’m also grateful for the dad’s I’ve met because of Tops in Pops. 

Who knows, maybe one day it will be back.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Obama vs. McCain: Who’s Best for Our Kids?

As the 2008 Presidential Election approaches (thank God it’s almost over), have you thought about which candidate has our children’s best interests in mind?

Who do you trust, not only to run the country and make things better NOW, but who has the right mindset to build a better future for our children?

Here’s an anonymous poll to gauge how parents are viewing the election. You are also welcome to comment in as much detail as you like (this will not be anonymous).

– – – –

Remember, McCain couldn’t even take the time to answer some questions for Parents Magaazine. Only his wife showed up. What does that say about how he prioritizes kids? And moms?

And remember, you are not alone…

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Tops in Pops: Nominate the Best Daddy Blog Posts of the Month

It’s not too late to nominatie for this month’s Tops in Pops. Choose yourself or someone else — either way, you have until midnight, November 2nd to submit. So what are you waiting for? Click on the link below & vote!

What is Tops in Pops?

Have you read an awesome post on a daddy blog lately? Have you written one? Well, here’s your chance to shine (or help a fellow daddy blogger shine) by submitting a post you feel is “Tops in Pops,” for the month of October.

Every first Monday of the month, the previous month’s picks will be posted.

You have until November 2nd to submit a nomination. Just go to the Tops in Pops Submission Form at Blog Carnival. Fill in a few lines of information, and you’re done!

Looking forward to seeing everybody’s favorites.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of June 2008
Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of July 2008
Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Blog Posts of August 2008
Tops in Pops: The Best Daddy Bog Posts of September 2008


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No Small Consequence: Our Children’s Future

Years ago, it was common practice for parents to physically reprimand their children when they “misbehaved.” Spanking, hitting and far worse occured with regularity, and seemed to be the norm.

Although there is still a percentage of the world that hits their kids (which I don’t agree with), there is an increasing percentage of parents who do not discipline their kids at all (which I do not agree with). 

So if we want to help our children learn, but we don’t want to use violence to “teach them,” what’s a dad to do? What other ways of discipline are there?

Yelling? Nope. Been there, done that. It sucked…
Click here for research and details as to why yelling at our kids is an inferior form of discipline. As a matter of fact, it can permenantly damage their brains!

What we can do is offer consequences. Large or small, consequences can be handed out with the calmest of voices, without any physical abuse. I’ve found that as long as I follow through with whatever consequence I offer, it is incredibly effective. It also helps my kids learn to be responsible for their actions.

If we don’t teach our kids to act in acceptable ways through some type of discipline, what kind of adults will they grow up to be? And if we spank or beat the crap out of them, well, what are we really teaching them?

I see too many parents letting their kids do whatever the hell they want. The kids run the show. Until recently, I often found myself in the role of the typical pushover dad  — making idle threats about consequences I never followed through on. Saying things like, “stop it… stop it or there’s no more TV for the rest of the day… I said stop it or there’s no more TV!” Of course, I never turned off the television and the behavior I was trying to stop continued until I would yell.

Not how I wanted to handle things.

Frustrated, I wrote two posts: How to Retrain t he Reactive Brain, Part 1 & Part 2, and in the process discovered that offering & following through on consequences seemed like the most effective, least harmful form of discipline for me to practice.

Last week my wife and I received a letter from my son Max’s (4.5 years old) teachers. He’s been acting out in preschool, yelling at them when they tell him to come to circle time. Max has also taken to raising his voice at us at home.

We do not allow him to raise his voice at us. We use consequences, coupled with discussion (when things calm down), to help him modify his behavior. Of course, yelling at his teachers is unacceptable too, so we let him know there will (and have already been) consequences for this negative behavior.

But it’s a fine line, because I want to procure Max’s independence. I want him to grow up believing in himself, that his opinion matters. Because it does. On the other hand, he needs to learn that yelling is NOT the way to express himself.

But I can’t put it all on Max. I am partially (possibly to a large degree) to blame for his behavior. Although I am constantly working on not yelling (see Stop Yelling Daddy! Part 1 & Part 2), both my boys have seen and heard me do yell. Like it or not, I’ve set a poor example.

We need to treat our kids with respect if we’d like them to be respectful people. We need to listen to them if we expect them to learn how to listen. We need to guide them in ways that do not damage them or riddle them with baggage that they may wind up carrying around through adulthood.

We’ve got to walk a tightrope, giving them space to shape themselves while shaping their space so it’s a positive environment.

And remember, you are not alone…