Category: inspirational sayings

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Do Your Kids Know What Goals Are?

Do your kids know what a goal is? Or do they think it’s what occurs when somebody scores in soccer?

Recently, I’ve been listening to a motivational/inspirational speaker named Zig Ziglar. Zig has an amazing audio book called Goals, which I highly recommend.

Listening to the CD’s, I got to thinking about my boys. Have I been teaching them about goals?

For some reason, probably because they’re both so bright, I assumed they already knew what a goal was.

When I asked them about it and got the, “it’s when somebody scores in soccer dad” response, I realized that I had not been teaching them — at least not in a direct way. We work on goals all the time, but I had never given them the language to understand what it was we were doing.

They needed a kid-friendly definition of the word and the concept. And they needed it now so that goal setting (and attainment) could become a core value and a way of life.

Although I’ve been “setting goals” for many years, until recently I have not written them down or defined them clearly — so they were always in a cloudy, “gaseous” state. Since they were not clearly defined, I didn’t have a tangible idea of how I would attain them, which made it impossible to fully commit to them. I just figured they’d manifest eventually if I did a little something for them here and there.

In other words, I didn’t really know how to set a goal. I was never taught.

Without a plan with realistic steps in it, I found that my “a little here and there,” was nowhere to be found. Without a clear intention there is no real goal to work towards. Just a lofty idea. As Zig would say, I was a “wandering generality,” and I needed to become a “meaningful specific.” He goes on to mention that even Howard Hill, the greatest archer in the world could not hit a bulls-eye while blindfolded. “How on earth could anybody hit a target they couldn’t see? …How can you hit a target (goal) you do not have?”

So, what’s the best way to teach these values to our children? Live them ourselves.

I do my best to start each day by asking myself: “what great thing am I going to do today?” This puts me in a good frame of mind to be proactive.

I’ve also started asking myself the following:

– Do I have milestone goals for my kids? To teach them how to ride a bike, be able to read or understand an appropriate level of spirituality by a certain age?

– Do I help my kids set “high-reaching” goals, teaching them to reach high for themselves in the process?

– Am I helping my kids set their own goals, and giving them the space to attain them? Am I supporting them (when necessary) through the process so they can come out of it having completed the goal — developing the values of integrity and perseverance?

I want to make sure that my boys know even if it’s hard, in this family we don’t give up. If this is important to you, you can get it done. I believe in you.

And remember, you are not alone…

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The Modern Day Dad Award Goes to David Goldman

This is the first Modern Day Dad Award presented by Daddy Brain.

I was inspired to create this post when I heard the heart-wrenching story of David Goldman, a dad who had been denied seeing his son for over 4 years. It is an unusual story, one which I fear is more common than we might think.

David’s strength, dedication and refusal to give up under extremely difficult circumstances exemplifies what it means to be a modern day dad. 

Before you read the article, I’d like to ask a question. What would you do if your wife took your 4-year old son on vacation to her homeland and never came back?

The following is a reprinting (in its entirety) of the Today Show’s online article about David’s crusade…

After bitter 4-year fight, he finally sees his son again

Dad has ‘beautiful’ reunion with boy whose mother abducted him to Brazil

By Mike Celizic, TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 9:41 a.m. CT, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

Choking back tears that had been building up for more than four and a half years, a New Jersey father tried to describe the emotions he felt at finally being able to hold and hug his son and tell the boy how much he loved him.

“It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since his birth. It was incredible. Amazing. I got to see my son,” David Goldman told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira Tuesday by phone from Brazil.

The previous day, accompanied by U.S. Rep. Chris Smith of New Jersey, Goldman had finally reached the end of a nightmare that began in June 2004 when his wife, Bruna, left with their son, Sean, for a two-week trip to visit family in her native Brazil. She never came back.

In all the years since, Goldman had traveled to Brazil numerous times hoping to see his son, but all the contact he was allowed to have consisted of a few brief phone calls.

International dispute
A New Jersey court ruled that Bruna had to return Sean to New Jersey for a custody hearing. But despite international law and treaties between the United States and Brazil that upheld the court ruling, Bruna refused to either return or to give up custody of the boy. Instead, she divorced Goldman in a legal proceeding that violated international law, and married an influential Brazilian attorney.

Then, last August, Bruna died while giving birth to a child by her new husband. After her death, that husband petitioned a Brazilian court to take Goldman’s name off his own son’s birth certificate.

Although the system seemed stacked against him, Goldman never gave up. Finally, with the help of Smith, the New Jersey congressman who accompanied Goldman to Brazil, father and son were reunited for a visit on Monday.

“After all this time I got to see him, walk over to him and hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him and how joyful it was to be with him,” Goldman said.

‘It was beautiful’
He had no idea if Sean would really remember him and how he would greet him, Goldman said.

“I was expecting the worst. And when our arms locked, it wasn’t that way at all. It was beautiful,” he told Vieira, fighting back tears the entire time he spoke.

Sean asked his dad why it took so long to visit him. “That was very painful,” Goldman said. “I saw the anguish on his face.”

What to tell the boy? Goldman was understandably reluctant to tell Sean how his mother first left him and then refused to let him see Sean.

“I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him the absolute truth, so I just said that the courts were making things very difficult,” Goldman said. “I said, ‘Sean, I’ve been here many, many times to try to be with you. The last time I was here I stayed for 10 days and I couldn’t be with you.’ ”

Smith told The Associated Press that Goldman shot baskets and went swimming with Sean during Monday’s visit. Goldman was scheduled to see his son again on Tuesday.

Vieira asked what plans he had for today’s visit.

‘It’s going to happen’

In a later interview with TODAY correspondent Amy Robach, NBC senior legal analyst Susan Filan said that Goldman should eventually regain custody of his son, whose room in Goldman’s Tinton Falls, N.J., home remains as it was the day he left for Brazil with his mother more than four years ago. Filan said that international law and treaties between the United States and Brazil are unequivocal in affirming Goldman’s parental rights.

“You can’t take a kid from one country and hide him another country and say it’s OK,” Filan said. “There’s no question this case should have been decided in a New Jersey court.”

TODAY
In happier times: David Goldman with his son, Sean, and his late wife Bruna.

Filan said she’s looked at the facts from every angle and can conceive of no legal justification or explanation for how the Brazilian courts have acted. According to every law, she said, the man who married Goldman’s wife “has no legal rights to this child whatsoever.” 

She added that the change of administrations in Washington and the personal involvement of Rep. Smith have clearly helped Goldman press his case. Public attention given the case should embarrass the Brazilian government into bowing to the dictates of the law, she said.

“Once one government accuses another government of being in violation of a treaty, it’s embarrassing,” she said.

Filan cautioned that it may still take time for Sean to finally come home to live with his father.

“I don’t think it’s going to be as quick as everybody wants, but I think ultimately it’s going to happen,” she said.

Links to The Today Show’s videos:
Today Video Interview #1
Today Video Interview #2

Stories like this that remind me how lucky I am. I am so grateful for my family.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Sex and the Daddy, Part 2

In Part 1 of this series, Tyler from Building Camelot kicked off a discussion about relationships and the importance of sexual fulfillment (that men crave) vs. emotional fulfillment (that women crave).

Tyler is a brave man to write about this. I have been wanting to touch upon this topic for months, but have been avoiding it. Alas, now there’s no turning back…

As Tyler points out, “if you both make it a priority and work on fulfilling each others needs at the same time, mutual fulfillment can be achieved. If you value your marriage, neither you nor your spouse can afford to sit around and wait to have your needs met.”

I totally agree. It’s not a question of whose needs should be satisfied first. And the problem isn’t necessarily a lack of desire to satisfy our partners.

The problem, at least for me, is not having the energy to do it.

Do I want to be more supportive? YES. But by the time we’re able to talk, after the kids are in bed, my wife is half in bed herself (to sleep unfortunately), and my brain is mush (hence the title of this blog).

Does my wife want to make love with me more? YES. But the truth is she’s exhausted and currently suffering from diabetes, migraines and a knee problem. My incessant talking about the subject doesn’t help much. Just call me Mr. Romance Killer (but hey, it’s not my fault she’s so cute).

To compound things, most of us husbands find sex to be a stress relief (I know I do). The more stressed I am, the less I’m able to be compassionate. The less I’m compassionate, the less likely my wife is going to feel fulfilled  (hence less sex).

The more stressed I feel, the more I seem to obsess on sexual thoughts (bare with me readers, I’m bearing my soul here).

I have trouble differentiating my need for sex with my need to be nurtured. I think that men and women are wired differently, and the male ability to admit to emotional needs is overshadowed by our need for a nice piece of ass.  But really, it’s the same thing we want, there’s just different ways of getting there.

And I wonder how much of that difference is imposed on us by society.

I’m from NY, where every street corner used to have a little candy stand with rows magazines depicting half-naked women on them. What is that saying to young boys AND to young girls? What have we been taught?

But underneath the top layer, it’s not really about sex. The predominance of sexual thoughts and feelings are merely a coping mechanism. It’s a way to distract myself from what’s really on my mind, like:

– My wife’s health. She’s got diabetes and she struggles with her weight. I’m afraid of losing her.

– I miss my kids all day, 5 days a week. I shouldn’t complain, I get to go home to them every night. But I miss them, and I’m missing out on their lives. They’re only going to be this age once. Sometimes I feel like a bystander.

I get so aggravated with myself about these thoughts, which expends energy. I’m walking around thinking about sex. I’m not being true to myself, I’m not taking a moment to center myself in a meditative moment. I’m harping on something that merely frustrates me even more!

I am dedicated to my wife and my boys. It’s one thing to fantasize, but having sex with anybody other than my wife would go against everything I stand for as a man, a husband and a father. When dads cheat, they don’t just cheat on their wives, they’re cheating on the whole family – and in doing so the foundation of the family is shattered.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my wife and I are never intimate. For a couple with two kids, we somehow occasionally find the energy. Of course, then we pass out immediately, unless of course one of the kid’s SEX RADAR goes off. That’s always fun.

Has this happened to you? It’s 2 am. You’re both awake. Somehow, someway you both feel inclined to be intimate. It’s wonderful! Until one of the kiddies waltzes into the pitch black room (thank God it’s dark) and wants you to refill his Sigg bottle or wipe his butt after he poops!

Aggggggggggggggggggg! 

Geeze dude, couldn’t you wait like 20 more minutes to poop?

The question is, where did this thought process come from? When & why has this become a coping mechanism for me? And such a strong one?

And does it really matter? If I’m not acting on it, is it so bad? Well, if it’s causing me emotional pain then yes.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Finally! Palmer Candy Company Responds to My Letter

If you’re just joining this series, it began with: Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie.

This was followed by a letter to the Palmer Candy Company regarding the harmful ingredients they put in their products —specifically Partially Hydrogenated Oils (PHOs).

Most recently (after Palmer failed to respond in a timely manner) I took the liberty of rewriting their “Quality Pledge” in The Palmer Candy Company Doesn’t Care About Your Kids. 

The other day, I did finally receive the following response:

“Dear Joey:

Thank you for expressing interest in Palmer products and your disappointment that we use Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (Palm Kernel).

First of all, let us assure you Palmer is very concerned about our consumers. It is our corporate policy is to produce candy novelties that are not only attractive but designed to delight the hearts of consumers during the holidays.

A fat is required in order to hold the solids together in our products and to melt in your mouth combining the flavors of the other ingredients. Since our products must be shipped, stored and eaten in a solid state, that fat must be one that is solid at room temperature and slightly above. Generally, partially hydrogenated fats provide both the stability and performance that is needed.

The category ‘partially hydrogenated,’ covers oils which are barely hydrogenated all the way to ones almost fully hydrogenated. We select oils which are as least hydrogenated as possible, yet provide the characteristics necessary to maintain the qualities in our products that our customers both expect and deserve.

We continue to look for and test alternative oils, in order to further reduce hydrogenization in our oils.

We at R.M. Palmer care about our consumers and it will continue to be our pledge to provide you with wholesome products.

Again, thank you for writing and we hope you will seek our delicious Palmer quality products in the future.

Sincerely,

R. M. PALMER COMPANY”

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Although I want you to reach your own conclusion about the response I received, I can’t keep these burning questions to myself:

If other companies, some of which are chocolate companies that require the same  “performance qualities” mentioned above, have found healthier ingredients to replace PHOs, why hasn’t Palmer?

Am I supposed to feel better because they use oils with lower amounts of PHOs? If there’s only a little poison in their candy?

If someone told you that feeding your kids a cup of Comet could kill them, would feeding them a teaspoon a week be acceptable?

And remember, you are not alone…

Related Links:
– Ban Trans Fats
– What’s Wrong with Partially Hydrogenated Oils?
– The latest U.S. health safety distraction ploy: Blame China!
– Recovery Medicine
– 6 Rules To Avoid Eating Bad Fats, by Ban Trans Fats.com

Related posts:
– Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes For Better Health

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Daddy Brain Classics: Was Buddha a Schmuck?

I’ve been thinking about having a Daddy Brain Classics series for a while now.

Some of the posts I wrote way back in the beginning of Daddy Brain didn’t get too many hits, because not too many people knew the blog existed. Although I always want to provide fresh material, a few of these classic posts deserve a larger audience. So I’m finally jumping off the fence and giving this series a try.

Today I’d like to present one of my favorites — a post that questions Buddha’s decision to abandon his family in order to find enlightenment…

Was Buddha a Schmuck?

And remember, you are not alone…

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The Palmer Candy Company Doesn’t Care About Your Kids

Two weeks ago, I e-mailed a letter to The Palmer Candy Company regarding the harmful ingredients they put in their products — specifically Partially Hydrogenated Oils (PHOs).

After I posted the article, Healthy Food Tip #4: Beware of Food Companies That Lie, I wanted to give them a fair chance to express their side of the story and hopefully “make it right,” as promised in their Quality Pledge.

I have received no response. Nothing — not even a piece of toxic candy. So I’ve decided to rewrite their “Quality Pledge” in an effort to make it more honest:

The Old Palmer Quality Pledge

“For Over 50 years, Palmer has been a national brand making candy for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter and Halloween. We use only the finest ingredients and are proud of all our products. If you are not satisfied, please let us know and we will make it right. We would also enjoy hearing from you for any other reason. Visit us at: www.rmpalmer.com“

The New Palmer Quality Pledge

“For Over 50 years, Palmer has been a national brand making candy for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter and Halloween. We use only the CHEAPEST ingredients and are proud of all our PROFITS.

Some people ask why it took so long for us to tell the truth about the poison we put in our candies. We stand by our company’s code of ethics:

We, the upper management of Palmer Candies, are a bunch of liars. We simply don’t care about your children’s health. We’ll just keep putting Partially Hydrogenated Oils in our products, which has been linked to cancer, diabetes, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, obesity and allergies that can cause arthritis.

And don’t get us started on how it disables your body from properly absorbing good essential fatty acids (necessary to sustain healthy life). We know consumers are too stupid to understand this stuff, so why bother to explain, let along make a change?

But we promise to make these little pieces of death look all cute so your children will find them irrestible. And we’ll just depend on parents to keep trusting us, and keep being ignorant to the crap we’re selling.

If you are not satisfied, please let us know and we will IGNORE YOU. We would MUCH RATHER not hear from you at all. Visit us at: www.rmpalmer.com“

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So what do you say parents? Are you willing to send this company an e-mail asking them what gives? Maybe if enough of us speak up, the will listen.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related Links:
– Ban Trans Fats
– What’s Wrong with Partially Hydrogenated Oils?
– The latest U.S. health safety distraction ploy: Blame China!
– Recovery Medicine
– 6 Rules To Avoid Eating Bad Fats, by Ban Trans Fats.com

Related posts:
– Healthy Food Tip #1: Decoding PLU Codes For Better Health

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Sex and the Daddy

Tyler over at Building Camelot beat me to it.

He talked about sex, and what he had to say made me realize that I’ve been avoiding this topic for too long.

I’d like to highlight Tyler’s article in its entirety here. It touches on many good points about the dynamics of relationship, which is a great place to start…

What Comes First In Marriage? Sexual Or Emotional Fulfillment?

by TYLER on JANUARY 11, 2009

It’s like the age-old question “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Does sexual fulfillment or emotional fulfillment come first in marriage? I was watching the Today show a few days ago and they were doing a segment on relationship resolutions and how to start off on the right foot for the new year. It was a panel discussion which focused on people who are in either committed or non-committed relationships and what steps they should take in the upcoming year to find happiness. 

When the discussion turned to those who are married, or at least in a committed relationship, one of the guests, Shannon Ethridge, author of The Sexually Confident Wife, said something that has been stuck in my head that I wanted to share and get your opinion. Fast forward to the 3:20 mark to Shannon’s part.

(Link to the msnbc video. Sorry, having trouble  imbedding)

Shannon mentions that at the beginning of each year she evaluates what she needs to do in the upcoming year to inspire her man (she’s been married for 17 years) to meet her emotional needs. I love that she uses the word inspire! It’s certainly a word that’s lost in many marriages these days especially if you have children or you’ve been married for any length of time.

She goes on to clarify that if a woman meets all of her mans sexual needs then he will fall all over himself to meet her emotional needs. I agree with her and here’s my question; does his sexual fulfillment or her emotional fulfillment come first in marriage? Does the wife make sure her husband has all of his sexual needs met first or does the man support his wife emotionally before his own needs?

In a good, healthy marriage I think the answer to the question is simple…it’s both. How can it be both? How can his needs be met at the same time as her needs? If you both make it a priority and work on fulfilling each others needs at the same time, mutual fulfillment can be achieved. If you value your marriage, neither you nor your spouse can afford to sit around and wait to have your needs met.

I doubt that I’m going out on a limb when I say that every man wants a wife who is confident and fulfills his sexual needs. On the flip side, I’m sure the same women want their man to be able to fulfill them emotionally. It’s just as important for men to support their wives emotionally as it is for women to leave their men sexually satisfied.

The one thing that I know I struggle with is recognizing, reacting and inspiring my wife’s emotional needs. I’m always selfishly thinking that she should satisfy my sexual needs first, but we should be working on mutual fulfillment.

What do you think? Drop me a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

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I hope you’ll take some time to visit Tyler at Building Camelot and read some of his other articles. He certainly has a lot to offer, especially to us dads out there.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
Sex and the Daddy, Part 2

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Dads are Not Second-class Parents, Part 4: Dads Need Help Too

This is a video I came across on Twitter. It’s made by a “dude” named Hugh Weber. Although he’s still awaiting the birth of his child, that hasn’t stopped him from beginning the transition “from dude to dad.” His powerful message is a perfect fit with this series…

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You can find Hugh on Twitter, or visit his page @ vimeo.com

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Want to share your own Second-class Parent story? Submit it as a comment and I’ll be happy to highlight you on my blog. Click the widget on the right-side tool bar (near the top) for more info.

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And remember, you are not alone…

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Additional Dads are Not Second-class Parents Articles:
– Part 1
– Part 2: And Then There’s Dad
– Part 3: A Divorced Dad’s Perspective
– Part 5: Perceptions & Paradigms
– A Question for Dads: Have You Been Treated Like a Second-class Parent?
– Where’s the Dad in Toy Story?

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Can You Let Go of Wanting Security/Survival? The Sedona Method, Part 5

The Sedona Method is a powerful & easy-to use program that helped me learn to let go of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors that were holding me back in every aspect of my life — from health, to career, to relationships.

If this is your first look at the series, you might want to check out Part 1 for an overview before you get started.

Part 2 focuses on letting go of resistance
Part 3 is about letting go of the need for control
Part 4 introduces how to let go of wanting approval

This installment focuses on letting go of wanting security/survival.

Wanting Security/Survival
“When we want security, we feel like we don’t have security. We approach life as though it’s a battle for survival. We see everyone, at least on a subtle level, as an enemy.

We may often feel and react to even the smallest changes or decisions as if our lives are threatened. We may avoid taking risks, even if that means giving up success. We may avoid confrontation, even if it’s necessary. We may walk around expecting the next disaster.

You can recognize wanting security, because it may include a sense of being threatened, uneasy, in danger, on guard, or impending doom. In the extreme, it’s a paralyzing fear – we feel like we’re about to die. We also feel like we’ll do anything to get it back.

Synonyms for wanting security include wanting safety, to survive, to get revenge, to protect ourselves and others, to attack, to defend, to kill, and to be safe, to name a few.

As we let go of wanting security, we feel safer, more secure and at home wherever we are without feeling like we have to achieve safety at other’s expenses.”

— Hale Dwoskin, CEO and Director of Training of Sedona Training Associates

Lester Levenson, the creator of The Sedona Method, had this to say about how fear affects us: “Fear, and it will appear.” These words do more than rhyme. They contain a truth about how we manifest our reality. The more we keep a fear in mind, the more we attract it.

There’s another saying, “What we fear, we create,” which is a slightly different way of looking at it. Have you heard of the law of attraction? It states the same thing. The more we focus on something, positive or negative, the better chance it has of becoming reality. For more on this, you can read The Road to Nowhere: It’s not too late to recreate your reality.

So let’s get started with letting go of the need for security/survival.

This exercise, taken directly from The Sedona Method course, will give you an idea of what it’s like to let go. You may find it hard to do, or you may find it easy. Either way, it’s OK just the way it is. Remember this is only one “slice” of the program. There’s much, much more to it than I am able to explain here.

And remember, it’s OK to take each step as slowly as you need to…

Take a deep breath and focus inside.

Think of a situation where you felt the need for security or survival.

Could you welcome the feeling for a moment? Let it fully be here.

Could you let it go?

I find that taking a deep breath and exhaling while I let go is helpful. If you repeat this process a few times, I think you’ll find that at least some of your need for security/survival has dissipated (if it hasn’t already).

Remember, this is only a small part of what the Sedona Method has to offer. If you explore the course further this will all make a lot more sense.

If you’d like to learn more, or try the CD program risk free, click here. You can also purchase the Sedona Method book, available at Amazon.com and fine bookstores everywhere.

And remember, you are not alone…