Category: inspirational sayings

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The Four H’s of Self Destruction: Have You Fallen Into The Trap?

I’m tired. All the time. And I’m ashamed of myself that I have not been able to overcome it. Quite simply, I have not been accomplishing what I’d like to in my life — specifically when it comes to my blog and the “bigger” plans I have for it.

People struggle with so much more than I do on a daily basis. I feel like a weakling, a 40-year old dude from NY who can’t get his shit together. I’m doing my best, but it never feels good enough.

I’m dedicated to my kids and my wife. They come first, and that’s how I like it. But somewhere along the way I have lost my balance. Being dedicated to my family should not mean sacrificing all of oneself. But in my mind, in a twisted subconcious way, it seems I have done just that — sacrificed my professional happiness in order to be a better dad and husband.

But nobody asked me to.

I just feel there’s just not enough time in the day to get it all done (or so it appears at first glance). And after working long hours 5-days a week, how can I take more time away from my family?

The result is a crabby, edgy, non-satisfied dad who feels unfulfilled in the career department. Since I have no plans of putting my kids or wife anywhere but in the number one position, I need to find another way to make time for myself. Time where I have enough energy and cognitive process to work on Fulfilling Career Stuff (FCS).

Although the term does sound a bit funny, I think just about any parent can understand where I’m coming from.

So I took a closer look at my situation, how I spend my time.

I realized (for the umpteenth time) that there is a small window of opportunity after the kids go the bed for me to be productive and work on my FCS. About 2 hours before I pass out (only to wake up with keyboard face).

So why do I play Internet poker instead of working on my blog, my idea for a TV show or my book? Why aren’t I working MORE on making Daddy Brain a bigger deal, one that can potentially support my family? This is what I THINK & SAY my goal is, so why aren’t I taking ACTION on it?

When the night rolls around, I WANT A BREAK. But then all day long, I WANT CHANGE. I’m getting stuck in wants, and when that happens I find myself lacking the very things I desire. I’m basically stuck in resistance.

Is part of it self sabotage? Maybe, but it think the problem is more complex than that.

It begins with being exhausted. And when I’m this tired I become captured by the Four H’s of Self Destruction: Hobby becomes Habit becomes Harmful becomes Hated.

Bear with me while I explain because this is a dilemma I think most people struggle with. One that traps us in a particular state of mind that makes us incapeable of accomplishing that which is so important to us.

Hobby
Many of us have hobbies, things that are fun, bring us joy, help us relax and so on. Technically speaking, hobbies are harmless as long as they remain hobbies. But sometimes something happens to these harmless things — they change and become…

Habit
Let’s take my Internet poker playing as an example. At one point playing Internet poker was just a hobby. But somewhere along the way it became a coping mechanism. It became something that, as the day wore on, I would feel more and more of a compulsion to do.

Don’t worry, I’ve made money and I’m not broke from it. But it has robbed more hours from my life than I can count. Just an hour or two a night, but the hours add up. Put together, these same hours could have resulted in a book, dozens of blog posts or a spec script for the TV show I’m developing. It could have also been dedicated to some extra sleep which would keep me in a better state of mind (making it easier to avoid the Four H’s of Self Destruction).

Another example: a casual drinker who has two or three beers a week. This turns to a six pack a week. Then multiple beers a night until this casual drinker (hobby) has a drinking problem (habit). It could be any hobby that mercilessly grasps you — sex, drugs, TV, reading, puzzles, exercise, naps, crosswords… the list is endless.

Harmful
Now your little hobby has turned into a monster. It negatively affects your life, your relationships, your work — whatever. And since it’s no longer a hobby, but a habit, it is very difficult to stop.

Hated
Sometimes we hate the habit, sometimes we hate ourselves for having the habit. Often, people just feel unhappy and unfulfilled and don’t allow themselves to go any further. Let’s face it: turning a hobby into a habit is a great way to hinder ourselves. For many it is a path to self destruction.

In the following weeks, I plan on diving deeper into each of the for H’s. I hope you’ll stick around to read them, and more importantly to share your opinion so we can all become happier, more fulfilled human beings.

A clear indication of whether I’m figuring this out or not will be the amount of blog posts I am able to complete. And the amount of poker I am able to avoid.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
The Four H’s of Self Destruction: When Hobby Becomes Habit
 

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Give Your Kids One of the Greatest Gifts of All: Their Own Voice

This holiday season, many of us are facing tough economic times. With little or no “spending” money for holiday gifts, what’s a dad (or mom) to do?

Fortunately, you can give your kids one of the greatest gifts of all. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it lasts a lifetime. And its positive effects are immeasurable.

You don’t even have to wait for Christmas! You can give this gift on a daily basis (hopefully many of you already do)…

Give your kids one of the greatest gifts in the world: their own voice.

No, I’m not talking about a lovely singing voice. I’m talking about something far more important. Every time our kids’ share a thought, opinion or feeling with us, it’s a moment filled with potential — the potential to support their voice or to undermine it. If we’re able listen, we show them respect — acknowledging that what they say (and who they are) is important.

This gift is as simple (and as difficult) as taking the time to really listen to what our children have to say. They might be telling us something that seems completely trivial, insignificant and unimportant. But it’s important to them. If we disregard what they’re expressing to us as unimportant (either verbally or non-verbally), what are we really saying to them? The situation becomes ripe for feelings of rejection and disapproval.

This is not to say that we always need to agree with our kids. It means that we need to hear them out. Not when they reach a certain age, but now.

I firmly believe that honoring our children as human beings is one of the major ways we can help them fulfill their potential in life. I do not want my boys to become “cookie-cutter kids” that fall onto the conveyor belt of life. My job is to support, nurture & love them for who they truly are, and do my part in giving them the tools to discover just who that really is.

Just because someone’s little, doesn’t mean his or her opinion is any less significant than ours. We all deserve the right to be heard. Kids deserve the same basic human rights as us.

Like it or not, we are the ones who play the largest part (at least while they’re little) in bestowing these rights upon them. In doing so we’re shaping our kids’ sense of self worth & self esteem. We are responsible for making sure they don’t grow up to be directionless, opinionless lost adults who are always seeking approval from others because they lack it for themselves.

If we teach them to believe in themselves now, empower our little buggers and let them know they are worthwhile people, I’m hoping this will make them more resilient to the unyielding grind of life. Hey, maybe it won’t even feel like a grind if we do our job right.

Our children are superstars. It’s our business to help them shine.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Easy Decorating Tips for the Holidays

There’s a new trend in holiday decorating, well at least there could be if we start it now.

It will leave us all with extra time on our hands. And it just might save us money, too.

It involves using items found around your house, specifically on your floors and rugs — and the result is holiday bliss!

Tired of asking your kids to clean up after themselves? Then use their messes as holiday decoration.

Crumbs on the floor from that cracker snack? No problem. Call them Christmas Crummies and be done with it.

Toys scattered everywhere? Stick some hooks through them, hang ’em on the tree and call them ornaments! 

Who needs tinsel when you can decorate your tree, and your foyer floor with all types of shiny recyclables like tin cans and plastic blister packs with ultra-sharp edges? Now there’s a lesson in merchandising & safety, too!

The great thing about this new holiday craze is that you can practice just about all year round. 

Starting around Labor Day (September) is the best. Start off your decorating by letting those beer cans and chicken bones pile up (from the BBQ). If anybody asks, you just tell them its part of your Labor Day decoration. At first, they may look at you funny, but then the next thing you know they’ll be copying you like a Xerox machine.

For Halloween, simply add some orange junk to spruce up and transform your Labor Day decoration into the picturesque Halloween motif. By mid October, the chicken remnants you left lying around should have turned at least partially green with mold. The insects you’ve attracted add a creepy crawly touch that brings the whole look together. 

Now you might be wondering, how can I top that??

Simple. Let the kids make Thanksgiving dinner. A month early. Let them make it on the living room rug, with extra gravy and chunky cranberry sauce. You can use the leftover Labor Day chicken to make bullion for the turkey. Include the bugs in the stuffing to add a bit of crunch and extra protein. Again, easy decorating that the whole family can enjoy.

Best of all, on Christmas Eve tell the kids they need to clean the entire house or Santa’s bringing NOTHING!

You’ve just saved yourself 4-months of cleaning time and your home will be spotless for the New Year.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Today is My Birthday

Today, December 20th, is indeed my birthday.

I am now 40.

I am a lucky man. I receive the greatest gift of all every single day of the year — the gift of my family.

I am so grateful for my boys, my wife and yes my cat, too. Thank you Universe for this gift.

im001553 

My goal this year (and for decades to come) is to live in appreciation.

Thanks to all my readers for making this past year of blogging such a success. It has truly changed my life.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Join Daddy Brain on the Radio!

Join me today @ 5pm (CST) on Wisconsin Public Radio, for an hour-long discussion on giving your kids one of the greatest gifts of all. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it lasts a lifetime. What is it? Their own voice. 

You can listen in from anywhere in the world by clicking here and adding Wisconsin Public Radio’s Ideas Network to your iTunes, Windows Media Player or RealPlayer. It takes about 30 seconds to download the station. Then, just double click the icon on your desktop to automatically add to your playlist.

The show gives listeners opportunity to call in, be heard and be part of the conversation. Just dial (800) 486-8655.

If you’re local to Wisconsin, you can also listen in on any of the following stations:

– WHA-AM 970 Madison
– WERN-FM 88.7 Madison
– KUWS-FM 91.3 Superior
– WHRM-FM 90.9 Wausau
– WHAD-FM 90.7 Delafield/Milwaukee
– WPNE-FM 89.3 Green Bay
– WLSU-FM 88.9 La Crosse

I hope you get a chance to tune in!

And remember, you are not alone…

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Great Gift Ideas: Give Your Kids Your Guts

Alright, I’m not speaking literally about your actual guts. Or am I?

Your kids may not agree with you, but it’s not about the toys you buy.

It’s not about what you do with the kids, how much money you spend or where you go. It’s about the quality of the time you spend together — being present and embracing the gift of each moment — even when it might seem mundane on the surface.

It’s about giving them your love, your attention and your respect.

But it’s more than that — it goes beyond words or individual pieces of yourself. It’s giving them your “guts.” And it takes guts to be open enough to give your guts. To lay it all on the table, so to speak.

Your legacy as a dad, the positive impact you make on your children’s lives, has little to do with things like presents, fancy vacations, the size of your TV and other possessions or “outward” things. These are trivial, they’re just things.

What’s important is who you are as a dad, and the improvements you make within your self along the way — how you “upgrade.”

When all is said and done, when your kids are your age, they might vaguely remember the X-Box 360-Version2-Millennium-Titanium-Edition, and how cool the games were. But if we do it right, they’ll look back and clearly remember that we took more than good care of them. They’ll remember that we empowered them. They’ll realize that some of those times we denied them something (like a toy — NEVER deny hugs or love), or held them responsible for their actions, we actually gave them something far greater in return.

And if we do our job really, really right — they’ll be better (and happier) human beings for it.

And remember, you are not alone…

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Dads Are Not Second-class Parents, Part 2: And Then There’s Dad

And Then There’s Dad
by guest blogger Tom @ Being Michael’s Daddy 

While I have not personally been dismissed as a second-class parent simply because I’m a male, I am not at all happy with the common illustration of fathers in the media.

It really bothers me that husbands and fathers are most often portrayed in television commercials as helpless, clueless, bungling goofs.

I did an informal study of television commercials during prime adult viewing hours over the last week, and found that out of thirty-seven commercials featuring husbands or dads, thirty-two of them depicted these men negatively.

Not that they were shown to be bad men, but were shown as a loveable oaf at best, or a slacker and a burden on his wife, or somewhere in between.

There’s the sleeping, stubble-faced doofus in the Windex commercial who gets up and crashes into the plate-glass window that he presumably didn’t clean. Or the doughy, “might as well be another kid” husband in the refrigerator commercial who’s calling out to his wife because he can’t find some critical food item. And then there’s the FluMist nasal spray commercial in which the father bumbles his way through dressing his kids in summer clothes, sending them out in the dead of winter.

This is neither a fair representation of the truth, nor is it an image we want to continue to uphold. Like it or not, life imitates art. This includes television commercials, which are specifically designed to make a lasting impression on people.

What boys see depicted as role models for men, they will come to emulate. What girls see depicted as role models for men, they will come to expect. The cycle is self-sustaining.

Staying on this course, we’ll eventually see a generation in which the men are spineless and pathetic, and the women expect no better from them.

What needs to happen, aside from the TV being switched off, is that men need to pick up the mantle of leadership, integrity, perspicacity, strength and guts and raise their sons likewise. Men need to treat their wives and daughters well, behaving like men.

A man is a leader. A man is strong, determined, decisive and capable. A man can be tender and gentle when he needs to be, but he stands for what is right and protects his own.

He doesn’t have to be a bombastic despot, a slick, lecherous womanizer or a buckskin-wearing mountaineer in order to be a real man. He just needs to have his priorities straight, his resolution firm, and genuine love for his wife and family.

Of course, it’ll be a lot harder for the ad agencies to come up with clever commercials if they can’t pick on the easy target. But they change their tactics to match the market. So let’s make it our goal to change the market.

– – – –

Many thanks to Tom for submitting this article. Click here if you’d like to learn more about the series, submit your own story, or view other dad’s stories.

And remember, you are not alone…

Additional Dads are Not Second-class Parents Articles:
– Part 1
– Part 3: A Divorced Dad’s Perspective
– Part 4: Dads Need Help Too
– Part 5: Perceptions & Paradigms
– A Question for Dads: Have You Been Treated Like a Second-class Parent?
– Where’s the Dad in Toy Story?

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Being Grateful Makes You Full of Greatness…

Thanksgiving week always brings about talk of what we’re thankful for in our lives.

Of course there are the basic answers like family, friends, food, a place to live, indoor toilets and any opportunity to eat massive amounts of pizza from NY.

The other day, as I tried to go beyond my usual list of things I’m grateful for, my thoughts turned into a question…

What are the results of being grateful vs. the results of being ungrateful? What are the different “side effects” or manifestations that occur on a physical, emotional and a cognitive level?

To clarify, when I say “ungrateful” I mean active complaining or ingratitude — in other words being negative.

“What you are thinking about, you are becoming.”
                                                 – Muhammad Ali

When we’re being ungrateful, we’re keeping in mind something that we’re not happy about — something negative, unwanted, bothersome or just plain annoying.

In this state of being, we get stuck in the mucky-muck of negativity. We use our energy dwelling on something we’re unhappy about instead of using that same energy to find solutions. And in doing so we help solidify what we’d really like to change.

When we’re grateful, the outcome is very different. We’re being positive, freeing up & refreshing our energy to move forward instead of holding ourselves back. Sure, there may be things we’re not happy about, but when we’re focusing on something positive, we’re letting go of being negative about something else.

I’m not saying to pretend to be grateful for something that just plain sucks. But why not think about something that doesn’t suck? Why not make a plan to make that particular issue less sucky, instead of just dwelling on it? Are humans so driven to misery that we can’t do this simple thing?

Muhammad Ali said it so beautifully. What we think leads to what we speak. What we speak leads to how we act, and in turn the reality we create.

There was a time when I was so unhappy with my job that I became physically ill and almost died. I was so ungrateful for everything good in my life that my personality became very negative, my soul spiritless. And in turn my body started failing me (I had Crohn’s Disease).

Getting sick turned out to be one the greatest gifts of my life. It woke me up (which was my body’s intention in the first place) and empowered me to make the changes I needed to make.

Although I am aware of the benefits of being grateful, that doesn’t mean I always am. It’s a constant battle to remain mindful about my thoughts (no pun intended).

I’d like to leave off with a question:

Can you allow yourself to be greatness? I’m not talking about ego here, but the greatness that comes with being grateful, positive and true to who you really are.

Anything is possible. The simple choice of being grateful just might change your life.

And remember, you are not alone…

Related links:
– The Road to Nowhere: It’s Not Too Late to Recreate Your Reality
– The Magic Quarter: Creating Your Own Reality
– Anything is Possible
– Out of Energy. Out of Time. Out of Luck?
– Can You Let Go of the Need for Control? The Sedona Method, Part 3

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New York Times Highlights Moms, Dishonors Dads

In today’s New York Times, there is an article nestled into the bottom half of page one that reads:

“To Buy Children’s Gifts, Mothers Do Without”

The article goes on to describe how moms are making sacrifices this holiday season, and how the mom highlighted in the article “will go without the designer jeans she covets this season.”

What about dads, you might ask? Don’t we count? Don’t we sacrifice?

“In this economy, nearly everyone is forgoing indulgences, and many fathers will no doubt sacrifice this year to put toys under the tree. But figures suggest the burden is falling most heavily on women, particularly mothers…”

Let’s take a look at said statistics: women’s apparel was down 18.2% this October compared to last October, while men’s apparel has only decreased 8.3%. Notice these numbers are generalized to men and women, not moms and dads — so technically they are meaningless…

In a survey, “61% of mothers said they would shop less for themselves this year, compared with 56% of all women and 45% of all men.”

All men? Nowhere in the article is there mention of what percentage of DADS said they would shop less for themselves. Apparently dads have been lumped into the “all men” category.

Once again, nobody bothered to ask dad. Of course it’s not really about the numbers, it’s about the lack of equality and respect dads experience. The fact that the survey taken didn’t bother to include dad’s spending trends is just a cheap way to put “mom” on a pedestal. Honestly, I am sick of dads being treated like second class parents (in case you didn’t notice). 

I can tell you that I don’t buy anything for myself anymore. This year I got myself a new winter hat and a scarf for when I shovel the inevitable & immense amounts of snow that will befall the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin.

More importantly, what about the dads & moms who go to work every day, sacrificing time away from their kids? What about the hours upon hours that we miss, that we can never reclaim? I’m sorry, but not being able to buy a pair of “designer jeans” doesn’t come close to what I sacrifice EVERY DAY as a working parent.

Not to mention the parents that sacrifice eating meals so there’s enough food for the kids. And what about the families who can’t even feed their kids three meals a day?

The article quotes the featured mom, Kristen Hunt, as saying “I want her (Kristen’s daughter) to look back and say, ‘even though they were tough times, my mom was still able to give me stuff.'”

What kind of message is this? On the cover of the NY Times no less?

Is giving kids “stuff” really what we want them to remember?

I would prefer that when my kids look back, they remember my spending as much time with them as I possibly could. The gift of my time, my attention and my listening to (and respecting) my children is what is most important — not an X-Box 360 or a Wii that will eventually become a dust collector.

Sure, my wife and I got the kids some “stuff” for Christmas. But it’s not the important stuff, or the stuff of fond memories — its just stuff.

During the holiday season, it certainly is timely to run an article on finances and spending, especially with what our world looks like right now. But if you’re the New York Times, get it right. Do your research and provide appropriate survey numbers for both parents, not just for the ones who don’t have a penis.

The real story here is not about money or toys. It’s about how these tough economic times are the perfect opportunity for parents to share the greatest gift of all with our kids — ourselves. 

And remember, you are not alone…

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A Question For Dads: Have You Been Treated Like a Second-class Parent?

One of my very first posts was called Dads Are Not Second Class Parents. It touched on a topic that does not get much attention: equal rights for dads.

This message has been discussed on At Issue With Ben Merens, a local radio show here in the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin. But that’s not enough. I want to raise awareness beyond the radio waves, beyond local efforts.

My next step is to listen to (or in this case read) and share other dads’ stories — dads like you.

Submitted stories and their authors will be highlighted…
How have you been treated like a second-class parent? Whether it feels like big deal or small inconvenience, your experience is important and needs to be told. Every story approved by the Daddy Brain editor (that’s me) gets its own post, along with a link to the author’s blog or Web site.

I’d love to know why there are so few opportunities for us dads to talk about what we’re feeling and struggling with. We’re not machines. We don’t think only about money and sex (although both of these topics do cross my mind often).

Whether you’re divorced, married, widowed — whatever your story, this is your chance to be heard.

Submit by commenting on this post, or e-mailing me @ joeyguido@juno.com.

Every generation has its movement. We’ve seen women rise above oppression, finally being treated and respected as equals to men. We’ve seen African Americans overcome horrible mistreatment, finding hard-fought equality in the highest position in America — President of the United States (who by the way, seems like a very involved dad).

Don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing the inequality dads face with either of the above-mentioned travesties that plagued our country for decades. But it is a real issue, a real problem — and it deserves attention.

I am on a quest for equal rights for dads (and equal rights for kids, too). We have a right to be treated as equal parents — by our families, our communities and the world.

Will you join me?

And remember, you are not alone…

Additional Dads are Not Second-class Parents Articles:
– Part 1
– Part 2: And Then There’s Dad
– Part 3: A Divorced Dad’s Perspective
– Part 4: Dads Need Help Too
– Part 5: Perceptions & Paradigms
– Where’s the Dad in Toy Story?

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